Thursday, April 08, 2010

It's a Go

Well, it looks like we're good to go. I passed the final hurdle before making the trip to CR today. I went for my ultrasound this morning and endured the longest cootercam exam known to mankind. I was seriously on the table for 25 minutes - for a lining and follicle check. I have no follicles (yay! because I was worried, based on all the ewcm that I had, that I'd o'd through the lupron) and my lining is .73cm. I also have a simple cyst in my vaginal cul de sac that is measuring 1.4 x 1.2 x 1.0 cm, that sounds pretty big to me. I don't think it will have any impact on the DEIVF though and I don't think that it will interfere with implantation. I thought the technician was getting her kicks by torturing me on the table - there weren't any stirrups, so I had to lay with my knees bent in an awkward postion for almost half an hour. By the end, my left leg was getting all shakey and crampy. Oh well, it's done now.

I then went to work and got a half caf, half decaf coffee from Tim's. Bad idea. I had a mild panic attack for the first time in a couple of weeks this afternoon. I'm blaming the coffee. I haven't had a caffeinated coffee in quite a while. Caffeine doesn't like me any more. Sigh. I used to love my morning coffee. I wonder if it will always have this affect on me. I still have a decaf every morning, but it's not the same.

I can't believe we leave next Tuesday for our trip, it just feels surreal. And, there's a part of me that just kind of wants to skip over the trip and wake up to find out the results. I'm trying to be excited about going to Prague, but I'm just not interested. I also feel like an asshole for lying to EVERYONE that has asked me "oh, Prague, I hear it's beautiful, what made you pick there?" We don't want to have too many people waiting on news of the results and if it's bad news we definitely don't want to have that conversation over and over. The end justifies the means to us, but still I don't feel very good about it. Then there's the trip itself. I am excited to go to Europe and to see the history of the city in Prague. But, we're not really going on vacation. Neither H. nor I would have Prague in the top 10 places we want to visit, so if it wasn't for this DEIVF, we would not be going there. We are going to make the best of it and I'm sure once we're there we'll both love it. I just don't want to have that feeling of filling up the time so that we can get to the real business, if you know what I mean.

Well, this post hasn't really gone the way that I wanted. I really wanted to write about all of the feelings that I'm having. The swirl of nervousness, excitement and hope - god the hope - it's all a little terrifying. And, I'm so superstitious about how I'm feeling that I'm scared to put it down in writing.

Only 5 more days, until we leave, hopefully 12 more days until transfer and 26 days until we know the results of all of this. For now, I just have to take it one day at a time.


Lost in Space said...

Sounds like a very thorough appointment with great results!! So glad this hurdle is over.

Ugh on the latest panic attack. Interesting about the caffeine playing a part...

For the record, sharing how you are feeling won't change the outcome of any of this. If feelings controlled any of this we all would have been knocked up years ago when we were "relaxed" and hopeful and just knowing our first few months of unprotected sex would make a baby. (-; Hang in there and let the real countdown begin.

ks said...

Caffiene will definitely do that to you, especially when you've been off of it for awhile. Every now and again Tim's runs out of decaf and I end up with a reg. Same thing happens!

So glad the u/s was good! You are so close! I've heard nothing but wonderful things about Prague, I think you will be pleasantly surprised! It will be a different vacation though and hopefully a very productive one!

All my best!

Spacey said...

YAY for passing the final hurdle and moving along.
Prague is beautiful and I'm sure you'll find lots of things to see and do while having to wait.
When are you coming back?
Good luck with everything. We'll be here cheering you on!!!

Fran said...

You are so much in my thoughts my friend. I know it's weird but the fact that you are coming to my side of the World makes me feel even closer to you! Well done on the lining, that is truly beautiful and never mind the cyst, definitely not a problem. Only 4 days now!!

babyrecipe said...

Enjoy the trip - you'll have fun and think of the memories you'll have! Skip the coffee next time. I had one of those awful wanding sessions too and it hurt the next day. Amazing what all that digging can do! Hope you never have her again!

Kate said...

Hope you have a wonderful trip despite all the stress, and that you come back with the best souvenir ever!

Janice said...

Really really excited for you both! Good luck! xxoo

CHAR said...

Oh honey...I am so excited for you & your upcoming journey!! I am glad all seems to be on track:) That must feel good too.

Will you be updating your blog while away?