Tuesday, September 16, 2008


For the last two days my temp has been 36.6 down from 36.8. I have this horrible feeling that this IUI was a bust. My body feels like it's getting ready for a visit from AF and there's nothing I can do to stop it. Of course I still have hope... hope that my temperatures will re-bound, hope that miracle of miracles this actually worked. I have been scared since the IUI, not sure if I really conveyed that here; I was scared because I definitely didn't think the IUI was well-timed. My cervix was still pretty high, the trigger shot didn't seem to work for me - at least not in the time frame they allowed. Then Dr. B told us to go and DTD for the next 3 days. I was scared and guilty because we only did it once - and I was scared because I thought he was crazy - DTD doesn't get us pg. I was also scared/overwhelmed by the 14 days to Beta. My body doesn't do a 14 day LP, 13 at the very most, but usually 12 days. So, I was/am scared that I won't actually make it to beta. I feel like I can't even do that right. On top of it all, I'm scared that by writing this post about my fears and my feeling that this cycle is a bust that I am tempting fate. you know - what you put out is what you get back. So, I could be ruining this with my negativity.

I have never felt crazier than I do now after having read that last bit. I know that wishing and hoping and praying and begging and sticking a smile on my face for everyone and making all my thoughts shiny and happy hasn't worked. None of those things have gotten me pg, but by allowing myself to acknowledge my fears - that's what's going to sabotage a cycle. See - crazy.

This reminds me of my conversation with Dr. W at my last acupuncture appointment. She said it's so weird how I'm like a different person from appointment to appointment. I go from being strong and happy and positive to being down and negative. There's no consistency. She said that most of the IFers that she sees go from neutral to negative and don't waver very much. I do see the consistency. I'm up and positive when I'm starting a fresh cycle - when there are no indications that the cycle could fail, when I allow hope to shine free. Then when I'm down it's because I'm feeling the way I do now - I know my body and the cues it sends me. And it hurts that it doesn't do what it's supposed to do. To me it's all nauseatingly consistent.

On a completely different note, I'm on the progesterone suppositories - 1 every night. After reading a lot of the blogs out there it seems that most women do one in the morning and one at night. Will one each night actually do anything?

1 comment:

Lost in Space said...

Sorry you are having mixed thoughts. The 2ww is never easy and I think it's only normal for scary thoughts to creep in.

I can totally relate to the ups and downs throughout a cycle. The hope to despair, over and over again. It can be vicious.

Are the blogs you are reading about progesterone supplements doing IUI or IVF? Egg retrieval and the meds used to prevent premature ovulation in IVF cycles can cause the production of natural progesterone to be inadequate so more progesterone is generally used for these cycles. Will they check your progesterone with your beta?

Oh, and progesterone readings can be lower with vaginal suppositories than PIO shots because the PIO gets into your bloodstream (which is what they test).

Wishing you lots of luck. Hugs.