Monday, December 21, 2009

Longing

H and I went for breakfast with his Dad yesterday and then made our way to the Eat.on Centr.e for a little Christmas shopping. We were on our way to Wil.liams and So.noma when we passed the Santa Claus and the line of smiling anxious children and parents. Santa was good, I mean really good. I mean Miracle on 34th St good. He had a great red suit trimmed with faux fur and a real beard. The little kid in me jumped for joy when she saw him. We meandered past the group and up to the next level to the store. I decided I'd wait outside, which meant I could lean on the banister of the upper level and look down to the ground below where families were getting their picture taken with Santa. My heart ached as family after family placed their kids on Santa's knee. It was such a heart warming scene to be privy to, but also it just killed me. I held back the tears as the longing swelled inside of me. I want to be a Mom placing her child on Santa's knee, taking his / her picture or laughing as the child makes shy. It hurt to watch the scene below, but I just couldn't turn away.

H, and my parents and my brother and my father in law have all asked me what I want for Christmas, they asked me to provide a list. I don't need a list for that, there's really only one thing that I want. All I want for Christmas is to have a healthy baby; to have our family be completed.

6 comments:

Mad Hatter said...

Oh, such a lovely and sad post. My heart aches for you, for all of us. That's the way it is, isn't it? You go about your day, whatever fertility plan is under way in your life, and then you stop and feel the emptiness, usually triggered by some sort of scene such as the one you describe. I have my own story to share: I was out for afternoon tea in Yorkville yesterday with a friend and there was a toddler making a big loud fuss at the other table - crying loudly and throwing things. I had a very interesting, embittered response - in that moment I actually didn't long to have a toddler (or, specifically, THAT toddler), but I had NO sympathy for the parents because I thought they handled it poorly and had unrealistic expectations about what their son could handle. I know I would be much better at the job. And so will you. And YES, we must have playdates in 2010. Can't wait!!! Hang in there, friend.
Love,
Maddy

Valery said...

o yes, the longing... wishing your wishes come true.

This year my uncle forbid my aunt to ask what gifts I wanted, saying it wasn't even fair to ask (knowing about my infertility)
Instead we gave each other old things, with stories about the memories.. (in poems)

Kate said...

I've been to the same mall, but thankfully missed out on the Santa display. It's a rough time of year for many of us.
I hope 2010 brings you what you wish for!

babyrecipe said...

we went to a holiday event and the talking tree asked me what I wanted - almost blurted out "a baby" and then I realized that I was surrounded by strangers and would have got many odd stares. I hate that question too!

Anonymous said...

I know what you mean-the holidays are really tough. I am 39 and we've been thru 6 failed IVF cycles.. and I'm still here so hang in there.
www.wishtobeamommy.com

Lost in Space said...

I avoid the mall from Thanksgiving through Christmas (New Years really) because of this very thing.

I'm sorry it hurts so much...