Friday, March 12, 2010

That was a Doozy

Last night I had the worst panic attack I’ve ever had. Things had been so good lately that I wasn’t prepared for it. I was pacing around my home for about an hour and a half. At around 8pm I started feeling just a little off, pain in my left collarbone and a burning sensation in my shoulders. Then I had that sense of impending doom. I tried all of the normal things that I do when I feel an attack coming on – telling myself it’s just a panic attack, taking some cleansing breaths, singing the number song from Sesame Street. I started to be less convinced that it was a panic attack and more convinced that something was actually wrong with me. I couldn’t sit still. I started pacing. Around 9pm my Father in Law came home. I called down to him and asked him to come up and just talk to me for a while. So, he sat in the living room while I paced. At around 9:30 I thought I couldn’t take it anymore, I wanted to go to the hospital so that they could give me something – anything – that would end the attack. I didn’t want to feel, I wanted to be drugged into submission. I called H. to tell him we were contemplating going to the hospital and to tell him which hospital to meet us at. Then after hanging up with him I changed my mind, I’d wait for H. to get home instead, so I called him and told him as much.

H. got home around 10pm and it was like he was my magic potion, he was just there and I calmed down. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to get to sleep, but I did. Waking up only at around 1:30am to go get a drink of water.

I still feel shaky today; fragile. But, I’m at work and trying to white knuckle my way through the day. I may end up going home early though. I really just want to be in bed. I’m mentally and physically exhausted from these strange random pains and this anxiety.

H. thinks that this is happening because I don’t really want to go to Brno and I don’t really want a baby. I’m not convinced of that. There is some truth there. I don’t want to have to go to Brno. I’m still so angry that this is where our fertility inabilities have led us. I don’t want to have to use another woman’s eggs; I want to use my own. But, I will go to Brno and I will use another woman’s eggs because that is what it takes to get me pregnant. That is what will give us the family we so desire.

I kept my own name when H. & I got married. I just thought that’s who I’ve been my whole life so why would I change it now. As we get closer to using donor eggs, I’ve been re-thinking my position on this. Our child(ren) are going to have his genetics and not mine, his name and not mine; that invisible connection will just be there. Maybe I should informally take his name so that we have that link all together? Or, we could hyphenate their last name, but I hate when people do that. Is this even rational?


Valery said...

In my opinion it is very important what (last) name you carry. And in my mind there is not a sliver of any doubt: my baby(s?) will carry my last name!!
I have known this forever, not related to DE at all.
In Spain it is the norm everyone has a double last name, one from Mother and one from Father.

So, that was screaming from across the water...

Good on you for calling FIL, good on you for calling H, extra good on all of you of avoiding hospital. I think you're getting stronger!
Like any kind of fitness, don't give up the fight, keep putting in the work. Weekend almost there.

Anonymous said...

whoa... I am feeling it too. Just posted on how I feel like I am not cycling at all - very disconnected from it all so either we are both whacked or both feeling normal feelings. Let's pretend they are normal - ok? Maybe I should see a therapist too? sigh. I hope I feel different once I have my transfer - and I hope you will too!
If you think it will make you feel better to take on his name make it official - go get it done the right/legal way at the courthouse. It can be confusing for children and I think it might make you feel better. While I am quite independent I did take on my husband's name when we got married. Not sure how I would feel now if I had not, but I get what you are saying.

Phoebe said...

So sorry about the panic attacks. It's a big, new, and scary thing you are doing, so no wonder you are having panic attacks! When I look back on my panic attacks, I wonder if I should have been on valium or something similar? Just something to get me through the panic.

I kept my last name when I got married. If I do DE, I'm still planning to keep my last name. That whole genetic thing really messes with your mind, but I don't think the heart will care one bit about genetics. You'll still love your baby just as much as if it were your genetics.

Spacey said...

I'm so sorry you had such a bad panic attack. I am glad that it ended and you were able to find some peace when H came home. Thinking of you. **big, big hugs to you**

Kate said...

Sorry that things are so rough. But you're doing well just hanging in there. And it's great that H and your FIL are good supports who can help you feel calmer without drugs. Hope today was ok at work.
I kept my own name too, and was thinking of giving both our last names to our children (my last name as their second middle name), but DH really wants to keep it simple. And insists that our deal was that I'd keep my own name if the kids took his name. So I guess that's what we'll be doing.
And I agree - I think when you're nurturing the little fetus, and feeling it kick, and growing that bond with it, you won't be thinking of the genetics, just the miracle of the life that you and your DH will be bringing into the world. You'll be the mother in all the ways that count.

Mad Hatter said...

It sounds like you are figuring out how to cope with the attacks, which is a great thing.

We all know infertility is a huge stressor to begin with. IVF requires one psychological adjustment, DE requires another (a very big one) and traveling across the world requires yet one more...In my inexpert opinion, these are all compounding for you right now and causing the panic.

Something that might help is to realize how in control you actually are (even if it doesn't feel that way, even if you feel like you don't have a choice). I remember very well the posts when you announced your decision to do DE in Brno - you were so excited about moving forward after a long period of feeling stagnant. Now that it's getting closer, I'm sure it must feel so overwhelming, but I don't doubt for a minute that you want this baby very much. And you are choosing the path to parenthood that you feel is best for you and H, which is all that matters.

If it helps you to feel more connected to share your name with your baby, then I say go for it. You will also share your body and your blood and your breast milk and your life with them, and they will have your mannerisms and facial expressions and people will constantly tell you how much they look like you. I know this because it is the case with my stepchild.

My guess is that a lot of what is going on with you right now is due to the anticipation - once you are in Brno and it's finally game on, you will be just fine.

Lots of love and hugs,

Lost in Space said...

I'm so sorry you are so overwhelmed with everything. It sounds like your mind is running a mile a minute and your body is attempting to keep up.

Is there anything your doc can give you to help you through the really bad attacks? I just hate knowing you are going through this...

As for the last name, I changed mine when we married because I wanted both of us to share the same name as our be "The Ourlastname's family". The decision is as personal as each of us. If you feel it will help your mind feel more connected I say give it some thought. I think your heart will connect to your baby regardless.

Hang in there sweetie...