Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Catharsis

It’s hard for me to put into words what my parents mean to me. I never had to worry about whether they loved me or not and because I was so sure of my love I really abused it when I was a teenager – particularly my Mom’s love. I don’t know what it was or why I did it, but I rebelled. Not in a violent or self-abusing way, not criminally or with drugs, in a much meaner way – mentally. I just basically rejected her, took her for granted and drove her crazy. It shames me, how I treated here. I have to remind myself that I was a teenager, a child, and that I wasn’t completely in charge of myself at that time. I have apologized many times. I don’t know if the damage caused by those years can ever be erased, but I know that we are forming, have formed, a much stronger relationship as adults.

As for my Dad, he seemed to always take a backseat to my Mom. I know, knew, that he loves me. He was always there, but I never really had much of a relationship with him. We didn’t do things together. A few times we went skiing or to baseball/hockey games, but other than that not much. I think he didn’t know how to relate to me as a teenager, but as a kid he could wrestle with me or tickle me until I almost peed my pants, just be goofy. Despite that I worshipped him, was totally Daddy’s little girl. My Mom used to say I was exactly like him and that made me glow inside. Wherever he was in a room I wanted to sit beside him. I still feel like I idolize him a little. No man will ever truly measure up to him. Don’t misunderstand me, H. is an amazing husband, he loves me so much and takes care of me. He is an equally good man, but he’s not my Dad (thank gawd, or that would be a little weird).

I think my Mom got a bit of a raw deal because she was the one that got the brunt of everything with me. She was the one laying down the law, doing the work of raising me. I think she always thought I loved my Dad more. I didn’t it just was different.

Thinking about having a baby and what it really means to be a parent has made me think a lot about my childhood. There are a lot of things I would do the same as my parents; there aren’t many thing that I would change. I think the only thing I’d do a little more is praise my child a little more, let them know that they’re loved and that they make me proud every day. Also, try to realize that saying things in anger can be extremely hurtful and can change a child’s view of themselves.

I remember when I was around 14 and being a complete bitch, arguing with my Mom she yelled at me that she loved me because she had to because I was her daughter, but she didn’t like me very much. It hurts as much today to think about it as it did 23 years ago. There’s a part of me still that is not sure that my Mom really likes me as person. Our relationship has changed for the better so much, but I’m still seeking her approval.

For the record, there were many many instances of great love expressed and shared in our home, laughter and tears and fun. It’s a shame that one angry argument can cast a shadow on all of it.

Sigh. This is really getting away from why I started this post. My point was really to say that I love them both and am proud that they’re my parents. I hope that I can be as good a parent when it’s my turn.

7 comments:

seriously? said...

I relate a lot to your post. My mom suffered the worst with my issues when I was a teen/young adult. She said the same kinds of things and those didn't really hurt because I knew in my heart if I was nicer to her she would like me too.

I also wouldn't change many things that my parents did. I wouldn't comment on my child's weight. My mom never did but my dad did and I remember those remarks cutting.

Best of Luck in your journey, here from ICLW.

Deborah said...

I could have written this post, almost to the T. It's funny how my relationship with my mother and my father was extremely similar to yours. It wasn't until I graduated college that I really started having a much more in depth relationship with my father, but I was always his little girl and was always proud to be "just like my Dad", even though it was often said not as a compliment. I lost my father when I was 25 and miss him everyday. You would think that would have made me take my mother less for granted, unfortunately, I still forget.

alicia said...

when trying to have your own child it is hard not to think of your own childhood, I am glad you had times of laughter and fun, and I think all families have hard times.

here from ICLW

Andrea said...

Here from ICLW.

I also have high FSH (although mine is probably higher than yours). I wanted to wish you luck this cycle and I hope your dad is doing better.

Raggedy Ann said...

Growing up is really tough and so is being a parent...and for some of us becoming a parent is even tougher. I had a difficult relationship with my mother, still do. We are wonderful on the phone, but at each others' throats when together for more than 24 hours. I always planned to be a completely different type of mom and now it scares me when I realise how similar we actually are. There are so many things I took for granted with her when growing up.

Thanx for the lovely post. Really got me thinking...going to give my mom a call.

RAxx (ICLW)

In Due Time said...

Coming from ICLW...

I lived a different childhood, but love my parents the same. I too, hope I am a great Mom! I'm sure you will be too!

Lost in Space said...

The mother-daughter relationship is often not an easy one. Don't beat yourself up over your teenage years. You were growing and learning and are not the same person now as you were then.

I'm sure you will be a great mom!!