Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Superstitious

There are so many things I want to write about, but I feel like if I put them out there in the world that I am tempting fate. Things about this being our last natural cycle before the medicated IUI. Or, the fact that I haven’t ovulated yet.

I feel like if I actually talk about good things that I think are about to happen for me or my family that they actually never materialize (or good things I want to happen). For instance, H. is still looking for a job and in the past I have talked about big interviews that are coming up for him that I think he’s got a real shot at. Then nothing comes from them and I’m left saying “nope, he didn’t get it” and thinking that damn I shot my mouth off again.

So, I won’t write my thoughts down, but perhaps through mental telepathy I can send my thoughts to you.

On a completely different note – I am a bit weird when it comes to my health. If I have something wrong with me, I automatically think the worst (like the time I found a lump on my back and it turned out to be my rib. Seriously.) I am taking DHEA and I’ve heard its virtues expounded – recently I’ve heard of some of the side effects that can happen. For instance, if you have a cancerous growth then you shouldn’t be taking it because DHEA will make it grow more rapidly. So, now I’m thinking – geez, what if I had a small growth that I didn’t know about and now I’m taking the DHEA and that small growth is growing and growing. What if it starts to spread? Could I be killing myself while trying to get pregnant? Then the sane part of myself says “Get a hold of yourself, you don’t have cancer and you’re not killing yourself” I know logically I’m fine. I know physically I’m fine. But that little part of me that worries about anything and everything can sometimes get me going down very dark, depressing paths.

3 comments:

Lifeslurper said...

I have never taken so many medications in my life! After a while with all the IVF medications I found I had to stop reading the scary information pamphlets. The pharmaceutical companies seem to be protecting themselves against future class actions with their list of "May cause...." everything from the DTs to the plague! This is all part of the IF treatment process...I am sure you will soon grow used to it! Best wishes for your cycle!

Lost in Space said...

I can relate way too well to not wanting to talk about good things for fear it will effect the outcome. I have always been like this and admitted it to my ex-therapist recently. No answers on how to get past it, but just wanted you to know that I "get it". Hugs.

I gave up on all those label warnings as they constantly change their minds anytime they do the next big study. I think it's all a crap shoot.

Chelle said...

Oh man I HATE that! I totally know what you mean all around. It always makes you wonder if we really do have the power to tempt fate, doesn't it? And I freak out easy too. One time all of the lymph nodes in my neck swelled up (visibly and very painfully) and I was sure it was cancer and I was going to die. It was just mono. I'll take mono. lol

Good luck with your cycle and with hub's job search! HUGS!