Friday, January 30, 2009

Feeling Blue

I’m such a loser. I get my hopes up every time and every time I am disappointed. Due to the recent chemical pregnancies (that I now believe can’t possibly have happened because my body just doesn’t get pregnant – chemically or otherwise) at the recommendation of my naturopath I took progesterone supplements during my luteal phase. Well of course, this month my body decided to act all whacky. I had a huge temp drop on CD11 (my usual ovulation time) but then I didn’t have the rise that usually follows. I eventually did O on CD16. The amount of sex that we had was insane and not that great quality towards the end as I’m sure you can understand.

I’ve been on the progesterone, but my temp dropped yesterday and went back up today. But, today was 14DPO – test day. I hate taking the tests because I know I’m just going to be disappointed. So, last night after FIL’s girlfriend’s funeral we stopped at a Shop.pers Drug.mart so I could buy a test. To add insult to injury, the tests were behind the pharmacy counter and I had to ask a pharmacist to get me the test. WTF?! I have never seen HPTs kept behind the pharmacy counter. I decided to go with the FRER digital because I had never used that type so it remained untainted in my brain.

Got up this morning with FMU – peed and after 3 minutes it said –NO. There were no tears, no moaning about it just not being fair. Just a small sigh, and the onset of a blue mood. Of course I’m not fucking pregnant.

Tonight I stop the progesterone and tomorrow or Sunday I’ll get my period, call in Day 1 to the clinic and we’ll move down the road to IUI#2. Can’t wait to become a pin cushion again.

I wanted to post about this all week and let it out… but I feared that I would jinx myself. Ha. What’s there to jinx? The outcome actually has to have a possibility of coming true in order to be jinxed.

I already feel like the IUI is not going to work. I hate being this negative, but I just feel like it’s never going to happen. I look at H and think he’s never going to be a father and it’s my fault. My stupid fucking body decided it was old before it’s time. I have no idea why this happened… the doctors have no idea why this happened. I just feel like I have missed my chance.

3 comments:

Greg and Heather said...

just a fellow if blogger who found your blog and wanted you to know i totally kno wthat feeling of non disappointment almost you just expect it! hang in there sending positive thoughts you way!


check out my wondrafulbaby.blogspot.com

Spacey said...

I'm so sorry about the BFN.
I only tried the digital test once and although it's cool that there is no guess work I found it more painful because of that. It just felt so definite seeing it written out.
**big hugs**
You will see a YES on those sticks soon.

Lost in Space said...

I'm so sorry, hun. The disappointment month after month can be too much to take. I wish I had the answer on how to get through this. Somehow that little bit of hope will find you again and you will try once more. I truly hope something works for you soon. Many hugs.