Tuesday, February 03, 2009

So That Wasn’t Good News

I went to the clinic yesterday for Day 3 blood work and ultrasound. Had a few small follies – think the largest was .6 and as I found out this morning an FSH of 20. That’ right 20. So, I’m basically fucked. The IUI for this month is cancelled. H. and I are considering moving straight to IVF. We do not have any coverage for this and aren’t sure how we’re going to come up with the money, but if it increases our chances of getting pg then that’s what we’re going to do.

H. doesn’t understand why I’m so sad. He doesn’t understand that I’m mourning the chance to get pregnant naturally, spontaneously – to do what millions of women do every day. I know there is still a good chance of getting pregnant via IVF; I’m still disappointed that we can’t do it ourselves. My body has betrayed me. I feel like a failure. H. thinks that I should be happy because we have options. I am thankful that there are options, but I am not happy that I have to use them.

I think I’ll take me and my old eggs out for a few drinks. I’ve been “good” lately. Not overdoing things, not drinking – just to make things optimal. Optimal – shmoptimal. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what I do.

The scary thing is that we can’t really afford IVF – what if it doesn’t work. What then?

6 comments:

G & H said...

My husband does his best to understand but yeah I think they just dont have that maternal instinct of wanting a surprise im pregnant moment...not a beta check done exactly 14 dpo...good luck to you guys though hangin there its so hard i know! i got a BFN again today yet still no period!

G & H said...

My husband does his best to understand but yeah I think they just dont have that maternal instinct of wanting a surprise im pregnant moment...not a beta check done exactly 14 dpo...good luck to you guys though hangin there its so hard i know! i got a BFN again today yet still no period!

Spacey said...

**hugs**
I'm really sorry to hear about the high FSH and the cancelled IUI. That really sucks. :(
It's such a tough decision of the options we need to use in order to have a child.
It will happen though!
**hugs**

CHAR said...

I totally understand hon..having someone possibly say it will not happen naturally can be devastating.

xo

S said...

I can totally relate to what you're thinking about "what then". Something that crosses my mind a lot.

Go and get sloshed babes, that always makes me feel better - cosmopolitans make everything alright.

Hugs
S X

Lost in Space said...

Huge hugs, hun. That is alot to take in all at once. There are so many losses associated with IF and realizing that our only real chance for pregnancy is through needles and surgeries and embryology labs can be devastating in many ways. It is a loss and very much deserved to be grieved so do whatever you need to just really feel it all before you move on.

It's alot to take in too when cost and time become huge players. We are 100% out of pocket too and it is not an easy thing to do. When I first learned that IVF was our only real shot at this, I felt that we were at the end of the road, the big guns.........In some ways I still feel this way, but I try to remind myself that it is just another medical procedure and the most aggressive available to help us achieve our dreams.

I wish I could give you and IRL hug. Keep talking here and getting it all out. Much love to you.