Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Dark Place

Hubby is at a course tonight and I've had a lot of alone time. Maybe too much. I'm really good at shoving my feelings way down deep and ignoring them. Or I just eat them away. Tonight they are bubbling up. I'm just plain sad and angry. I was snuggling with one of our puppies and was hit with the thought that this may be as close as I get to being someone's mother. Then I just got angry. Quietly, sadly, angry with the universe. What have I done that has made me this way? Why me? Why us? I don't let myself go to this place very often because there's just no good answer. There's nothing tht we did to bring us to this spot. And, there's nothing we can do to change it. Oh we can go to doctors, and we can take our vitamins, I can shoot myself with needles and face the indignity of the dildo cam. But, really, in the long run that's just giving us a shot. There are no guarantees. And, that scares me.

It also scares me that I've been looking around at our life and thinking "hmm, we don't really need kids, we've got a pretty good life" etc. As if I'm preparing myself for some inevitable outcome. I don't want to think like that. I'm not done fighting. I watch different shows about parenting or see families walking down the street and this little piece of my heart just sceams out in longing.

If I bring this up with H. he'll just say I'm being negative and I have to thing positively. It's so hard to be positve all of the time. It's so hard to go to work and laugh, and smile, and pretend to care. Pretend that inside I'm not completely coming undone. I just don't know what to do with myself.


Spacey said...

**big hugs** I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I think it’s perfectly normal and it’s really hard to digest. I found that no matter how much I fought it and no matter what I did, infertility changed me. It didn’t change the way I feel, laugh, smile, cry, but it changed who I am. It becomes such a big part of our life that it becomes part of us.
Hang in there and I hope you’ll receive some great news tomorrow from the new clinic!

Sweet Georgia said...

Thanks - I needed to hear that. Infertility really does take it's toll.

wereyoulookingforme said...

I feel just like this - that no matter what we do we're not going to have a baby. And I've caught myself considering a life without kids and catch my breath because that isn't how it is supposed to be. I'm sorry you're in this place but maybe it helps to know you're not alone. {{HUGS}}

Sandra D. said...

I just found your blog and it's like I'm reading my own thoughts! I'm also in a dark place right now. And I'm also doing that "hmm, our lives are okay right now" mental prep. Totally stinks. I hope you come out of the dark soon :-)