Thursday, May 28, 2009

I'm a Duck

I read a post on a blog today – a final post. It was so filled with excitement and hope for the future, and was all about looking and moving forward. It was from a couple who had done their time in the IF ditches and had finally, resolutely, made the decision to move on to adoption. It talked about feeling calm and relaxed and about how great it felt to get out of the ditches. Of not having to look forward to the next cycle or worry about the last one. It brought a tear to my eye and I’m not sure why.

H. and I have been talking a lot lately about adopting. Neither of us is ready to start that process and to officially give up on trying for one of “our own”. I am finding it tough to even contemplate not having a bio-kid, but there is a certain appeal about giving up this battle. I am getting tired of always staying positive, always being hopeful, always thinking this might be the one.

I feel like I’m a duck. You know that metaphor, everything is calm above the water as the duck sedately floats by. Meanwhile under the water his little legs are paddling feverishly away. That is so who I am right now. Must keep my eye on the prize, no being negative, no giving up, certainly not acknowledging those feelings of contempt for my body or envy for my cousin/friend/co-worker/stranger that just “got” pregnant. Must appear serene, strong, confident and happy. Don’t forget the happy. Nothing to see here folks, I’m fine, we’re fine. It’s all going to work out fine.

4 comments:

Cathy said...

I know exactly what you mean - great analogy!

Fran said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Fran said...

Hi, I also know exacly what you mean. But here, in your blog, you don't have to be a Duck.
On the adoption front: in our side of the World, it takes years before you are matched with a baby probably living in some Country you never heard of, so we decided that at least we start the paperwork while nearing our next fresh ICSI cycle. It did give me so much peace. It will work out in the end one way or another. A big hug to you. Fran

Sandra D. said...

That duck analogy is great. I often feel like I'm holding my breath, or just standing still. But I think we are actually moving towards something. Every month, we are closer to where we want to be :-)

I also wanted to let you know that I've nominated you for a Sisterhood Award. I've found great support in reading your blog and I just wanted to say thanks. You can read about the award here: http://smother-nature.blogspot.com/