Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Land of Denial

I live in the land of denial and actually quite like it. Every month, I watch my cycle and H. and I have sex at the most appropriate times of the month. I then obsessively check my boobs and scan myself for symptoms until inevitably AF shows up. Then I start the whole process over again.

The likelihood of us getting pregnant is somewhere between 5 and 8%, yet every cycle I am hopeful. I am disappointed every single time. I sometimes wonder how long I can keep this up.

Last week was tough. I was pretty much down in the depths of despair. I even made an appointment with a psychologist. Which I ended up cancelling after speaking with her. When I made the appointment I said it was to talk about stress management and my infertility. When she called me back she said ‘It says here that you mentioned infertility, you do know I’m not a medical doctor’. That right there ended it for me – what am I a complete idiot, why would I possibly think a psychologist would help me medically. Argh. I felt like she was calling me a moron. Then there was her voice. All whispery and caring, so phony; how could she possibly be that concerned for me… we hadn’t even met and she had no idea what I wanted to talk about. I cancelled the appointment.

Also I think it was just a rough patch that I needed to get through. I’m doing much better now; I have such a better mindset. Who knows, maybe I’m in denial about this too.

5 comments:

G & H said...

I totally do the same thing and am currently living in the land of denial! It sucks when I read boks that pull me into reality but still I hold on to my huose in denial land!

S said...

It's not denial love, it's called hope. You're hopeful that this will be your time and there is nothing wrong with that.
As for that psychologist, what a stupid cow. Maybe that was a sign that you weren't meant to go and see her.

Hugs
S X

La La said...

Actually, Hubby and I went to a counselor together to talk about the IF thing a handful of times. It really helped! The lady we met with had seen couples before who were on the verge of divorce after spending all they had on fertility treatments, so she was happy to see us in there takeing preemptive measures. I'd try a differnt psychologist, it sounds like you might have just gotten a dud.

Hang in there hun.

Spacey said...

It's not denial, it's hope. I always said that without hope we have nothing. Hope is what keeps us going.
I used to hope every cycle that maybe this was the one although we had a 0% chance. I was hoping for the one that ran away.

Yeah, that psychologist sounded phony. Does your FC have someone they can recommend who specializes in infertility? That might be more helpful in case you need to talk to someone.
**Hugs**

Alex P said...

I just found your blog by bouncing from others I follow. I 1) am also canadian and 2) love that you drop the f bomb and 3) think that a psychologist who calls a potential patient because she doesnt see the link between fertility issues and needing a professional to share with is daft and useless, and youre better off without her. That said, your posts which occur later (July) seem very hurt, and you are really allowing your self worth be tied to your ability to bear children. Please take care of yourself first! Your desire to have a child to love, and the desire to raise it responsibly is what makes you a parent, not just your "working parts".

Im glad youre warming to the idea of adopting eggs (if not a whole baby... but thats a whole other story) you seem like an amazing lady, and no matter where a child comes from... you would make them a lucky child. Be strong, and good luck! take care of yourself first, so youre ready to support baby, wherever they may come from!