Thursday, April 24, 2008

Coming out and stuff

Well, I came out of the infertility closet today. I told two friends that are also co-workers about my high FSH. I think it will be good for me to be able to talk about it with some RL people rather than just to myself (or the 3 people that may be reading along) via this blog. It felt good to talk to them; I have wanted to confide in a few people lately and I didn't know how to start the conversation. Out of my group of friends there are only a couple of us that actually want kids. So, talking about fertility issues is not really high on their lists of priorities.

Also, I have this theory as to why so many IF ladies become so seemingly bitter about non-IF pregnancies and pregnant women. It may not be popular, but there seems to be so much secrecy around the subject that it makes women internalize everything. Not getting it out of them builds up the bitterness. Well, maybe I should just speak for myself and say that I realized that by not talking about my IF issues that I had 1. been allowed to live in denial (it's not true if I don't express it) and 2. let the issue build up to be almost all consuming. I realized I don't want to be that bitter, cynical infertile that mutters 'bitch' under her breath every time she sees a pregnant woman. I can see how easy it is to go there and I am going to fight it every step of the way. Yes I want children. Yes I will be devastated if we do not have children. I will feel guilty if I can't give my husband the family that he longs for.... BUT I will survive it, I will move on. I have a great life, a great husband and two great puppies, a loving family, and a fabulous group of friends. I have been lucky in life. So, if I am never able to have kids it will not be the end of my life. I am not going to live in secrecy like there is some huge shadow that I should be ashamed of. It's not fair. I did nothing wrong to deserve to go through infertility treatments - other than wait until I was 36 to start trying to have kids. This is simply a natural process - a screwed up, unfair, horrible natural process. I am going to do everything that I can to get myself pregnant and to stay pregnant, but if the day comes when we say enough is enough I hope I will be able to walk away with a little dignity. Oh and for the record, I am envious every time another pregnancy is announced around me, I think to myself how unfair it is that for some it's so easy and for others it's soooo not, but I try not to begrudge them their happiness, I try to be happy for them - 'cause that's how I roll.

The reason that the conversation even came up with my friends was that I made an appointment with a naturopathic doctor who specializes in fertility for Monday. I am very excited about it even though it will be acupuncture and I hate needles. There is so much great material out there right now about the benefits of acupuncture. I am hoping that it will help get my hormones in check.

Edited 04/25 to say: Last night I told all of my girlfriends my dirty little secret. It felt good to have all of them in the know, but also quite scary. There's no where to hide now and I'm sure I have opened myself up to unwanted questions and a whole lot of assvice (I already got, the "you just have to relax" one - yah, simply by relaxing my FSH level will lower, my cycles will regulate themselves and I will magically start ovulating again). But, I much prefer having to deal with that than being isolated from everyone, not being able to share my hopes and fears.

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