Friday, April 18, 2008

Under Attack

Yesterday, I thought I was going to die. From eating spicy food. No, I'm not kidding. I went to The Bay to the take out counter and bought a chicken roti. Yum! Except not so yum, because when I got it back to my desk and ate a few bites I found that it was excruciatingly hot. I like spicy, but not that spicy. At one point, I took a particularly fiery bite and it actually felt like it scalded my throat. I started coughing, had big gulps of water and then when that didn't ease the flame, I frantically grabbed a piece of milk chocolate from a co-worker's desk in hopes that the "milk" part would douse the spice. No such luck. Then my mind started working overtime. I thought my throat was closing, my temperature spiked and I was feeling dizzy. Then when I looked around and realized that none of my co-workers were at there desks I started worrying about what would happen if I passed out; cue the heart palpitations. I was in the launching sequence of a full blown panic attack. I recognized the signs and was able to talk myself down. But, man, it can be scary!

Up until a year ago I had never experienced this feeling; I don't know what changed, but I've had 3 in the last year. Not full blown, just the beginnings, but wow! I don't know how people deal with these.

Obviously, I'm not handling stress very well. And, right now I have a ton of stress in my life. The big IF is of course a concern, but I have other things as well e.g., debt. We are up to our eyeballs in debt. It's not so bad that we can't pay our mortgage and monthly obligations, but it is starting to stifle our lifestyle. Then there's work. I hate my job. I love the people I work with, and there are interesting aspects to my job, but I've been at this company for almost 9 years. It's time for a change. Plus, they have really crappy benefits - no maternity topping up, no Group RRSP, no massage therapy (but they do cover acupuncture, and physical therapists - grrr, we used to have massage, but they took it away because too many people were using it - yes, really) etc. But the real thing weighing so heavily on me is my H. He was laid off last week and then he swore me to secrecy. Nobody knows. If i talk about how I'm scared that we are working without a net it ends up in an argument. And, he's been so depressed about it that almost anything we've talked about in the last week and a half has turned into an argument. Argh, so despite the promise I made, I'm writing about it here. Just to get it out. You don't know us in "real life" and I know you won't tell anyone. So there it is.

Anyway, my blood work is done and I know that the results have been faxed to my FC. I called my Dr.'s office (not the FC) to see if they would give me the FSH number over the phone. Nope - have to see the dr. if I want the number. Boo. So, then called the FC. All the nurses are on lunch and one of them will call me when they review the blood work. So, I guess I go through the weekend without knowing the number. I guess it doesn't really change anything, but I was so ready to go to Dr. Google with it.

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