I have been blogging about TTCing since a few months after we started trying to have a baby. My first post was in January of 2007. My blog for the first year was very hopeful and upbeat and embarrassingly naive. When it became clear that I had issues getting pregnant I blogged about that. And, for 3+years I blogged about my efforts to get and stay pregnant.
I was successful and now am a mom to a beautiful little girl. Little G is the light of my life.
My husband H and I have made the decision that, unless things change significantly financially, there will not be any more children or attempts for children in our future. This is an incredibly difficult thing for me because in my heart of hearts I don't think our family is complete. Continuing to blog here is kind of counter-productive. My TTC & Infertility blogging has run its course and to come here to talk about my daughter and life as a mom at 40 just doesn't seem to fit anymore.
I have made the decision to retire this blog (I will not be deleting it as a few women have found my reviews on DEIVF useful). I am not, however, leaving the blogosphere. I am going to continue blogging on my new blog Midlife Momasita. It is about being a mom, working full time and just living life. I hope that you will stop by from time to time to check in on me. I will continue to follow your blogs and cheer you on wherever you are in this process.
For those of you who have found me because of DEIVF, Reprofit or MyIVFAlternative here are two links that will aid you in your research:
My Review of Reprofit et al which I wrote before getting the results of my beta so that it would not be tarnished by the result.
An Addendum I wrote about the clinic.
To those of you who have followed me along my path, thank-you for your support. Your comments have lifted me up, made me feel supported and understood and not quite so alone as I went through all of this. I hope you will continue to check in from time to time at my new blog.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Happy Valentine's Day!
Again, it's been awhile, but I am still reading along and trying to comment as often as I can on some blogs.
Little G has been at daycare for almost a month now and she seems to be enjoying it. I am pretty good about leaving her there now, but every day at around 3pm I start to countdown the minutes until we can pick her up.
I am now in my second week back to work and it feels like I have never left. I started a week ago Monday, came in and sat down at my desk. Re-familiarized myself with my passwords, systems and phone and then poof it was like I had never been off work. I do like the full pay cheque after having been off for a year living on EI. (Employment insurance)
The wonky AF cycles continue. I had a few that were right on track, then one that was 18 days, one was 20 days and as of today I am on CD30 with no signs that AF is about to show. And, we did not hit anywhere near to an ovulation window so I'm not pregnant. Lovely, perimenopause or menopause is just messing with me. I am thinking about going back to acupuncture to try and sort all of this out.
Speaking of sorting things out. I am considering shutting down, well shutting it down in the sense that I will no longer be updating. I think it's a good reference point for people going through the DEIVF process, particularly if they are going the international route. But, I don't have a lot to say these days on IF.
Having a child has certainly made the ordeal of IF a lot less intense and also something that is not with me on a minute to mintue basis. But, it lingers. I still get upset that people get pg so easily. I still get angry with my body. I still think of where I am in my cycle and how good our chances would be of ovulating... an then check the TP constantly when I am in my LP. I think that it will be something that will always be with me.
In just writing this post, I have realized it is time to end my blog. I will put up one more post in a few days to say good-bye.
Little G has been at daycare for almost a month now and she seems to be enjoying it. I am pretty good about leaving her there now, but every day at around 3pm I start to countdown the minutes until we can pick her up.
I am now in my second week back to work and it feels like I have never left. I started a week ago Monday, came in and sat down at my desk. Re-familiarized myself with my passwords, systems and phone and then poof it was like I had never been off work. I do like the full pay cheque after having been off for a year living on EI. (Employment insurance)
The wonky AF cycles continue. I had a few that were right on track, then one that was 18 days, one was 20 days and as of today I am on CD30 with no signs that AF is about to show. And, we did not hit anywhere near to an ovulation window so I'm not pregnant. Lovely, perimenopause or menopause is just messing with me. I am thinking about going back to acupuncture to try and sort all of this out.
Speaking of sorting things out. I am considering shutting down, well shutting it down in the sense that I will no longer be updating. I think it's a good reference point for people going through the DEIVF process, particularly if they are going the international route. But, I don't have a lot to say these days on IF.
Having a child has certainly made the ordeal of IF a lot less intense and also something that is not with me on a minute to mintue basis. But, it lingers. I still get upset that people get pg so easily. I still get angry with my body. I still think of where I am in my cycle and how good our chances would be of ovulating... an then check the TP constantly when I am in my LP. I think that it will be something that will always be with me.
In just writing this post, I have realized it is time to end my blog. I will put up one more post in a few days to say good-bye.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Sick!
After 3 days at daycare Little G got sick. She was acting up, crying and wanting to be held.. nothing like her usual self. She was running a low-grade fever. By the next morning it was a full blown fever with runny nose so I kept her home from daycare. She was still eating/drinking OK - I just gave her baby tyl.enol every few hours. She seemed ok on the following morning so I sent her to daycare, at about 1pm I got a call saying that her fever was 102 so I went and got her. Poor kid! On Saturday when the fever still hadn't broken we brought her to the walking clinic. Turns out she had an ear infection, inflamed tonsils and a stomach bug. We were given antibiotics and sent on our way.
Saturday night was not a good one, the fever was just not breaking -it got up to around 104/105 and scared the hell out of me. I would give her a sponge bath and that would momentarily lower the fever and then it would shoot right back up again. It finally broke sometime on Saturday night. The antibiotics seem to be working and my little girl is almost all the way back to her former self.
Of course, both H and I have her cold now. Poor H is in Van.couver on business and is feeling awful.
I'm glad that I had her start back at daycare while I am still off work. I can't imagine what it would have been like if I was just started back to work and she got sick like that.
I hope this isn't a sign of things to come for Little G. She only had 1 cold in her first 12 months. And has already had one in her first week of daycare. Argh!
Saturday night was not a good one, the fever was just not breaking -it got up to around 104/105 and scared the hell out of me. I would give her a sponge bath and that would momentarily lower the fever and then it would shoot right back up again. It finally broke sometime on Saturday night. The antibiotics seem to be working and my little girl is almost all the way back to her former self.
Of course, both H and I have her cold now. Poor H is in Van.couver on business and is feeling awful.
I'm glad that I had her start back at daycare while I am still off work. I can't imagine what it would have been like if I was just started back to work and she got sick like that.
I hope this isn't a sign of things to come for Little G. She only had 1 cold in her first 12 months. And has already had one in her first week of daycare. Argh!
Monday, January 16, 2012
First Day of Daycare
Little G had her first day of daycare today. We took a picture to mark the occasion, I'll try to upload it here later. Her Dad and I dropped her off. She cried at first, H and I stayed for about an hour or so, then I cried in the car. Even though I had a minor cry, it really wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. She was only there for a few hours so it was pretty easy to get through. Tomorrow she goes full time and I imagine that will be a lot worse! I am off for the next two weeks, so I will be tying up loose ends etc and will be available in case anything goes wrong at daycare.
Then it's back to work. I am SO not looking forward to that.
On another note, my cycle was 19 days this month so it's pretty obvious my fertility is basically falling off a cliff. We aren't even 100% sure that we want another baby, but to know that even my 1% chance is disappearing is so depressing and frustrating. Having a baby gives you distance from infertility (and definitely makes having gone through the shit worth it), but it doesn't erase it. I feel like an asshole complaining about this stuff when there are women fighting to have a baby. But, it is hard to get rid of this "why can't my body just do what it's supposed to do" feeling.
Then it's back to work. I am SO not looking forward to that.
On another note, my cycle was 19 days this month so it's pretty obvious my fertility is basically falling off a cliff. We aren't even 100% sure that we want another baby, but to know that even my 1% chance is disappearing is so depressing and frustrating. Having a baby gives you distance from infertility (and definitely makes having gone through the shit worth it), but it doesn't erase it. I feel like an asshole complaining about this stuff when there are women fighting to have a baby. But, it is hard to get rid of this "why can't my body just do what it's supposed to do" feeling.
Tuesday, January 03, 2012
Happy New Year!
My cycle is messed up and it's driving me crazy. I got my period on CD20. It was really light - like only there when I wiped or some occasional spotting for 5 days. On the 5th day it was mixed with eggwhite CM and today (CD6) there was more eggwhite CM. So apparently, my body thinks it is ovulating... on CD6! I bought an HPT and took it because of how weird I have been feeling. Of course it was negative. That's right because I don't get pg on my own!
We want to start TTCing again and see what happens because you never know what could happen. There is a teeny tiny chance it could happen. Then we'll probably go back to the Czech Republic in the summer of 2013 and do a FET.
Regardless of what/when/how we try to get pg it would be great if I could have normal cycles. Not ones that are all over the place. Freaking period on CD20!
On top of this, I am already getting over-whelmed by this year. We are moving - hopefully before the end of April. I am looking for a new job. We have 3 weddings this year. One in Canada's capital, one at an ivy league school in the States, and one just north of the city. I am a bridesmaid in that one and Little G is the flower girl (hopefully she's walking by July). I know it doesn't all happen at once, but it seems like a lot.
I just need to breath and take one day at a time.
We want to start TTCing again and see what happens because you never know what could happen. There is a teeny tiny chance it could happen. Then we'll probably go back to the Czech Republic in the summer of 2013 and do a FET.
Regardless of what/when/how we try to get pg it would be great if I could have normal cycles. Not ones that are all over the place. Freaking period on CD20!
On top of this, I am already getting over-whelmed by this year. We are moving - hopefully before the end of April. I am looking for a new job. We have 3 weddings this year. One in Canada's capital, one at an ivy league school in the States, and one just north of the city. I am a bridesmaid in that one and Little G is the flower girl (hopefully she's walking by July). I know it doesn't all happen at once, but it seems like a lot.
I just need to breath and take one day at a time.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Hope your Christmas was fabulous (if that's what you celebrate)! We had a very busy one. Little G doesn't really get the whole gift giving concept yet, but she loved pulling the tissue out of the gift bags. The Christmas crackers were a little overwhelming for her at dinner so that wasn't very enjoyable. All in all, it was a fantastic day. We all were terribly spoiled.
New Year's Eve we think will be spent at the zoo where they have a children's new year event with an early countdown at 8pm. She's a little young to appreciate it, but I think it's a good tradition to start.
Hope the New Year holds great things for you!
New Year's Eve we think will be spent at the zoo where they have a children's new year event with an early countdown at 8pm. She's a little young to appreciate it, but I think it's a good tradition to start.
Hope the New Year holds great things for you!
Saturday, December 17, 2011
A Visit with Santa
Well, that didn't go as I expected. H and I took Little G to see Santa a couple of weeks ago. I dressed her up in her Christmas dress and away we went to a local shopping centre to meet the Big Guy. He was an amazing Santa, kind, friendly and patient. Poor man! G did not like him at all. She screamed bloody murder. I felt so horrible for her and for Santa.
Here's the pic we got:
Santa gave us a couple great tips for making next year's visit better. When they are little, have them facing away from him so that they don't see him until after their picture has been taken. Also, take a couple of trips to the mall prior to the actual picture day so that the little one gets familiar with Santa. We'll try that next year and see how it goes.
Here's the pic we got:
Santa gave us a couple great tips for making next year's visit better. When they are little, have them facing away from him so that they don't see him until after their picture has been taken. Also, take a couple of trips to the mall prior to the actual picture day so that the little one gets familiar with Santa. We'll try that next year and see how it goes.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
A Little Sad
I am taking a break from playing catch up on my course work - I am doing my final course of a degree program and have left everything to the last minute to be completed. I hate that I do this to myself!
But, that's not why I am writing.
I have a friend who also went through IF and was lucky enough to finally be successful from her 2nd IVF with twins. She now is the mom of boy/girl twins and they are adorable. Every now and then she will post pics on facebook of them hugging each other or biting each other or just hanging out together (they are around 6 months old now) and I get incredibly envious and sad. We should have had triplets. There should be 3 babies here now. My world would be completely upside down and there would be no way I could be finishing this course, but I feel the loss of my twins deeply. It just creeps up and hits me every once in a while. Every so often when H and I are playing with Little G we look at each other and say "can you imagine if there were 2 more of her?" then we chuckle because life would be utter chaos. But deep down I am always wistful.
And, then there is the possibility that we won't have any more kids. That too just makes me sad. It goes without saying that I am incredibly happy that I have Little G. It just doesn't feel like our family is done.
But, that's not why I am writing.
I have a friend who also went through IF and was lucky enough to finally be successful from her 2nd IVF with twins. She now is the mom of boy/girl twins and they are adorable. Every now and then she will post pics on facebook of them hugging each other or biting each other or just hanging out together (they are around 6 months old now) and I get incredibly envious and sad. We should have had triplets. There should be 3 babies here now. My world would be completely upside down and there would be no way I could be finishing this course, but I feel the loss of my twins deeply. It just creeps up and hits me every once in a while. Every so often when H and I are playing with Little G we look at each other and say "can you imagine if there were 2 more of her?" then we chuckle because life would be utter chaos. But deep down I am always wistful.
And, then there is the possibility that we won't have any more kids. That too just makes me sad. It goes without saying that I am incredibly happy that I have Little G. It just doesn't feel like our family is done.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Almost 11 Months Old
This post consists of two parts... the first talks about infertility and chemical pregnancy and wishing, the second gives an update on Little G.
Last month I believe I was pg. We weren't trying, although our timing did coincide with ovulation so I had hoped that we might get lucky. We are still throwing around the idea of going back to the Czech Republic and trying a FET for a second child. If it happened naturally that would be a miracle. Anyway, I felt distinctly pg last month, I had pregnancy dreams etc. all the things that happened in the past when I have been pg. I did not test because I just don't do that. Too many negative tests and heartbreak under my belt. I have to rely on what I was feeling, but I know I was, for a blink of an eye. Then AF came and I wasn't. At the same time, as I was dealing with that, a friend announced her surprise pregnancy. She is a veteran of IF and eventually adopted. This was out of the blue. I am so incredibly happy for her and so incredibly sad for myself. How is it that after all of this time and having a baby in my arms I can still feel these feelings? It's been about a week since this all happened so I am doing considerably better, I just keep realizing that once you're an infertile, you're always an infertile.
Anyway, here's a little update on Little G:
Well, it's been awhile since I last posted. Little G is almost 11 months old; where has the time gone? She is now cruising quite a bit and standing on her own here and there. She is babbling a lot with her mamamamas and dadadadas and some unintelligible mutterings as well. She is now giving unprompted hugs and kisses which are amazing and squishy and wet. They make my heart swell. She loves her books and will sit on the floor flipping the pages of her cardboard books as if she is truly reading them. It's pretty cute. I am preparing myself for having to go back to work in the new year. Blah! I am sooooo not looking forward to that. We have daycare organized already; she will be starting in January part time and will be going full time by the end of the month.
I can't believe she will be a year old next month. We are organizing her birthday party now and are debating what gift to get her. Since her birthday is so close to Christmas I am also trying to figure out a gift for that. I also have to get her a Christmas dress so that she can wear it to get her picture taken with Santa. The other day I started singing Christmas carols to her and was overcome with emotion because she's here. There will actually be a child in our home for Christmas. (Last year doesn't count because we were in the hospital and it really didn't feel like Christmas at all!).
Little G was a duck for Halloween...
Last month I believe I was pg. We weren't trying, although our timing did coincide with ovulation so I had hoped that we might get lucky. We are still throwing around the idea of going back to the Czech Republic and trying a FET for a second child. If it happened naturally that would be a miracle. Anyway, I felt distinctly pg last month, I had pregnancy dreams etc. all the things that happened in the past when I have been pg. I did not test because I just don't do that. Too many negative tests and heartbreak under my belt. I have to rely on what I was feeling, but I know I was, for a blink of an eye. Then AF came and I wasn't. At the same time, as I was dealing with that, a friend announced her surprise pregnancy. She is a veteran of IF and eventually adopted. This was out of the blue. I am so incredibly happy for her and so incredibly sad for myself. How is it that after all of this time and having a baby in my arms I can still feel these feelings? It's been about a week since this all happened so I am doing considerably better, I just keep realizing that once you're an infertile, you're always an infertile.
Anyway, here's a little update on Little G:
Well, it's been awhile since I last posted. Little G is almost 11 months old; where has the time gone? She is now cruising quite a bit and standing on her own here and there. She is babbling a lot with her mamamamas and dadadadas and some unintelligible mutterings as well. She is now giving unprompted hugs and kisses which are amazing and squishy and wet. They make my heart swell. She loves her books and will sit on the floor flipping the pages of her cardboard books as if she is truly reading them. It's pretty cute. I am preparing myself for having to go back to work in the new year. Blah! I am sooooo not looking forward to that. We have daycare organized already; she will be starting in January part time and will be going full time by the end of the month.
I can't believe she will be a year old next month. We are organizing her birthday party now and are debating what gift to get her. Since her birthday is so close to Christmas I am also trying to figure out a gift for that. I also have to get her a Christmas dress so that she can wear it to get her picture taken with Santa. The other day I started singing Christmas carols to her and was overcome with emotion because she's here. There will actually be a child in our home for Christmas. (Last year doesn't count because we were in the hospital and it really didn't feel like Christmas at all!).
Little G was a duck for Halloween...
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Been Awhile
It's been about 3 weeks since my surgery and I am feeling pretty good. Some of the digestive issues have resolved themselves while some have remained. My Mom had hers out and said it can take up to 6 months for everything to get back to normal; I hope she is right.
H. took a week off to help me at home which was very nice of him. It turned out to be a little stressful as we argued a bit and I was all drugged up, so the first couple of days are a little hazy to me. Then I went to my parents for a week with Little G. It was amazing to see them get to really bond with her. And, also to not have to cook, clean, or do anything other than get my legs back under me. My parents were sad to see Little G go when we left.
Then we had Thanksgiving with most of my Mom's side of the family. There were 45 people there. It was also my uncle's 50th birthday and my second cousin's 1st birthday. It was a really nice celebration and so great to see so many of my relatives all in one place.
Little G is getting to be such a big girl already. She will be 10 months old on the 23rd. She is in mostly 12 month clothing now and some 12 to 18 month stuff. She is really tall. She is crawling everywhere and is mastering the art of couch/table/any surface surfing. She looks like she will be walking soon, but who knows when that will be. She is getting to be a little rascal, preferring to play with our magazines/books/remotes for the tv rather than her toys. I have to keep a constant eye on her. I am loving every minute of it and am so thankful I was given the opportunity to be a mom.
We are still undecided about when to try for number 2 (or if we will try). A large part of me really wants to do it, but I still am having some doubts. One of the major things is what if we decide to try via FET and it fails? Do we get back on the treatment roller coaster? I don't think I could go through that again. Oh well, we have lots of time (well, some time) to decide.
H. took a week off to help me at home which was very nice of him. It turned out to be a little stressful as we argued a bit and I was all drugged up, so the first couple of days are a little hazy to me. Then I went to my parents for a week with Little G. It was amazing to see them get to really bond with her. And, also to not have to cook, clean, or do anything other than get my legs back under me. My parents were sad to see Little G go when we left.
Then we had Thanksgiving with most of my Mom's side of the family. There were 45 people there. It was also my uncle's 50th birthday and my second cousin's 1st birthday. It was a really nice celebration and so great to see so many of my relatives all in one place.
Little G is getting to be such a big girl already. She will be 10 months old on the 23rd. She is in mostly 12 month clothing now and some 12 to 18 month stuff. She is really tall. She is crawling everywhere and is mastering the art of couch/table/any surface surfing. She looks like she will be walking soon, but who knows when that will be. She is getting to be a little rascal, preferring to play with our magazines/books/remotes for the tv rather than her toys. I have to keep a constant eye on her. I am loving every minute of it and am so thankful I was given the opportunity to be a mom.
We are still undecided about when to try for number 2 (or if we will try). A large part of me really wants to do it, but I still am having some doubts. One of the major things is what if we decide to try via FET and it fails? Do we get back on the treatment roller coaster? I don't think I could go through that again. Oh well, we have lots of time (well, some time) to decide.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Gallbladder free!
Yesterday was the big day for my surgery. I was very (VERY) nervous going into it, but decided to just suck it up and not whine too much about it. I was irrationally worried that I would die on the table, that little G would be motherless at the age of 9 months and that she would never remember our cuddles and squeezes and all of the times I have whispered in her ear how much I love her.
The surgeon came in to see me after the surgery to tell me things had gone smoothly. Apparently, I did not have an inflamed gallbladder, just the stones which made it a lot easier to remove. I have atypical symptoms from the gallbladder stones and he said there's a 50/50 chance that my GERD symptoms could go away simply by having the surgery. PLEASE let that happen!
I am on perco.cet right now. They make me groggy and a little dizzy, so I mostly just sleep them off. I have been walking around quite a bit and am much more mobile than I thought I would be. H. is off taking care of Little G since I can't really pick her up and also taking care of me. So far, I think we've gotten on each others' nerves more than anything (me on his a lot since I am a bit of a control freak about our daughter and her schedule). This weekend I will be going to my parents' place to convalesce a little more and give them a chance to hang with their granddaughter. I think my Mom is really looking forward to it.
After I heal up from the surgery, H and I are going to join Weigh.t Wa.tchers and I am going to start up a swimming/walking regime to get into shape. As I have probably said a bunch of times here before (I know I've thought it a hell of a lot) I don't want to be a fat mom, I want to be a good example for our daughter. So, it's time to make it a reality.
The surgeon came in to see me after the surgery to tell me things had gone smoothly. Apparently, I did not have an inflamed gallbladder, just the stones which made it a lot easier to remove. I have atypical symptoms from the gallbladder stones and he said there's a 50/50 chance that my GERD symptoms could go away simply by having the surgery. PLEASE let that happen!
I am on perco.cet right now. They make me groggy and a little dizzy, so I mostly just sleep them off. I have been walking around quite a bit and am much more mobile than I thought I would be. H. is off taking care of Little G since I can't really pick her up and also taking care of me. So far, I think we've gotten on each others' nerves more than anything (me on his a lot since I am a bit of a control freak about our daughter and her schedule). This weekend I will be going to my parents' place to convalesce a little more and give them a chance to hang with their granddaughter. I think my Mom is really looking forward to it.
After I heal up from the surgery, H and I are going to join Weigh.t Wa.tchers and I am going to start up a swimming/walking regime to get into shape. As I have probably said a bunch of times here before (I know I've thought it a hell of a lot) I don't want to be a fat mom, I want to be a good example for our daughter. So, it's time to make it a reality.
Friday, September 23, 2011
9 Months Old
Little G is 9 months old today! I can't believe it, time is just flying by. In the past couple of weeks she's really been adding to her repertoire of tricks. She is crawling, pulling herself to standing, trying to climb things, waving and clapping. She is also saying Mamamama and Babbababa, but the Mama isn't in context with anything yet. She is learning the names of her toys and if I say "where's bunny" she will go get her stuffed bunny. She is very cute and a going concern.
We are debating going back to CZ for a FET. A few months ago, I was 100% convinced that we would be going back in January. But, as she gets older and is getting to be more to take care of I am seeing how difficult having two will be. Particularly at my age. G is such a happy, easy, laid-back kid (touch wood). She has been sleeping through the night since about 8 weeks old and we can take her anywhere without much fuss. We are completely spoiled. We (I) worry what if we don't get so lucky a second time. Will I have the patience for a colicky, screaming, non-sleeping baby? Also, we live in a 2 bedroom home and are rapidly running out of room with 2 adults, 2 dogs and a baby and all of the stuff that entails. I am scared to try again. What if it's twins or triplets, if we're lucky enough for it to be successful?! Despite all of the fears, I still think I'd like to try again, but just not so soon. I just don't know.
On top of everything else, I am having my gallbladder removed on Tuesday. I am pretty scared to go under the knife. It is just a day surgery and lots of people have undergone this procedure, but now that I have G I am so worried that something will go wrong. H. is taking the week off to stay home and take care of G while I recuperate. And, then for the second week G and I will be going to my parents' place for a little more recuperation time.I just wish I could blink my eyes and be two weeks in the future recovering from a successful day surgery.
We are debating going back to CZ for a FET. A few months ago, I was 100% convinced that we would be going back in January. But, as she gets older and is getting to be more to take care of I am seeing how difficult having two will be. Particularly at my age. G is such a happy, easy, laid-back kid (touch wood). She has been sleeping through the night since about 8 weeks old and we can take her anywhere without much fuss. We are completely spoiled. We (I) worry what if we don't get so lucky a second time. Will I have the patience for a colicky, screaming, non-sleeping baby? Also, we live in a 2 bedroom home and are rapidly running out of room with 2 adults, 2 dogs and a baby and all of the stuff that entails. I am scared to try again. What if it's twins or triplets, if we're lucky enough for it to be successful?! Despite all of the fears, I still think I'd like to try again, but just not so soon. I just don't know.
On top of everything else, I am having my gallbladder removed on Tuesday. I am pretty scared to go under the knife. It is just a day surgery and lots of people have undergone this procedure, but now that I have G I am so worried that something will go wrong. H. is taking the week off to stay home and take care of G while I recuperate. And, then for the second week G and I will be going to my parents' place for a little more recuperation time.I just wish I could blink my eyes and be two weeks in the future recovering from a successful day surgery.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Little G will be 8 months old on the 23rd, not sure where the time is going, but it sure is flying by quickly. She is still combat crawling, ut she has gotten better at it, she is now starting to pull herself up on things. We are going to have to lower her mattress because she is pulling herself up on the side of it and I am scared she will fall out. Of course there have been a few bumps and bruises with her new exploration, but we have now baby-proofed the house and she is much safer.
Today we were at Gym.boree and the instructor complimented Little G on her smile, Then she turned to me and said that Little G's smile is going to be tough to deal with in the future because it is so nice that I won't be able to get mad at her. Well, that brought a smile to my face because, a. Little G is a pretty smiley kid and I think she is adorable and b. people used to say the same thing about me to my Mom.
Oops got to run, Little G is up from her nap.
Today we were at Gym.boree and the instructor complimented Little G on her smile, Then she turned to me and said that Little G's smile is going to be tough to deal with in the future because it is so nice that I won't be able to get mad at her. Well, that brought a smile to my face because, a. Little G is a pretty smiley kid and I think she is adorable and b. people used to say the same thing about me to my Mom.
Oops got to run, Little G is up from her nap.
Thursday, August 04, 2011
Still Here
I am still here. I have taken a bit of a break from reading blogs and blogging lately. Life just got a little hectic.
Little G is officially crawling, well army crawling, not quite on all 4s yet. She sure can move. She is attracted to wires, bathrooms and the dogs' waterbowl. We play this game where she makes a beeline for the forbidden items and I scoop her up before she gets there.
We have also started solids, a little later than most people think should happen, but meh, it is what it is. So far she's had apples, pears, bananas, avacado, zucchini, sweet potato and rice cereal. She really likes the avacado and cereal. Hates pears.
She is also saying "mamamama", but not calling me it, just making the sounds. She is reaching for me now. I have to pinch myself sometimes to make sure it is all real. That I really have a kid.
A friend made the decision to stop her pursuit of a child. It is tough for me to comprehend stopping trying without having exhausted all means. She doesn't want a child that is not genetically linked to both her husband and herself. Which, I can respect if not understand. I had contemplated having to make that decision, but I knew I wouldn't find peace with it until we had at a minimum tried DE. I realized that being a Mom was more important than the genes. Anyway, I am actually really happy for my friend. She can stop slugging through the hell that is failed cycle after failed cylce, the rollercoaster of having hope and losing hope. She can look forward and build a different, and wonderful life with her husband without the weight of cycling. I think you have to be a really brave person to know when to say enough is enough.
Little G is officially crawling, well army crawling, not quite on all 4s yet. She sure can move. She is attracted to wires, bathrooms and the dogs' waterbowl. We play this game where she makes a beeline for the forbidden items and I scoop her up before she gets there.
We have also started solids, a little later than most people think should happen, but meh, it is what it is. So far she's had apples, pears, bananas, avacado, zucchini, sweet potato and rice cereal. She really likes the avacado and cereal. Hates pears.
She is also saying "mamamama", but not calling me it, just making the sounds. She is reaching for me now. I have to pinch myself sometimes to make sure it is all real. That I really have a kid.
A friend made the decision to stop her pursuit of a child. It is tough for me to comprehend stopping trying without having exhausted all means. She doesn't want a child that is not genetically linked to both her husband and herself. Which, I can respect if not understand. I had contemplated having to make that decision, but I knew I wouldn't find peace with it until we had at a minimum tried DE. I realized that being a Mom was more important than the genes. Anyway, I am actually really happy for my friend. She can stop slugging through the hell that is failed cycle after failed cylce, the rollercoaster of having hope and losing hope. She can look forward and build a different, and wonderful life with her husband without the weight of cycling. I think you have to be a really brave person to know when to say enough is enough.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Little G will be 7 months old on Saturday. I can't believe how fast time is flying by! I finally started her on solids. So far she has had rice cereal, sweet potato and bananas. She wasn't a big fan of the sweet potato and indicated this by blowing raspberries with every spoonful. I was the one in need of a bib as the puree was spat at me!
She is almost crawling and is now saying mamamamama particularly when she gets whiny/crying for a bottle. She knows our chocolate lab's name and loves playing with his tags. He is less enamoured of her.
I love being with her and am so thankful that I am able to stay home with her for a full year (thank you H!) She has been on two waiting lists for daycare since before she was born and I just called to check where she is on the list and was told they won't know until late November/early December. That really doesn't work for me because what if they say they can't take her and then it's the last minute and would be impossible to find daycare. We did find a new place pretty close to our home that is under construction now. We may end up going with them for convenience. To be completely open, I do not want to go back to work. I want to stay at home with her and can't imagine having to leave her with strangers. I am just not going to focus on it right now.
We are still planning on using our frozen embryos early next year. I am torn about this. Well not really torn. I want another child, if we are lucky enough to be successful. But, I love Little G so much... is it possible to love another baby as much? I know they say that your heart just grows and encompasses each child. But, I'm still a little nervous about it. I refuse to think about it not working.
That's it for me right now.
She is almost crawling and is now saying mamamamama particularly when she gets whiny/crying for a bottle. She knows our chocolate lab's name and loves playing with his tags. He is less enamoured of her.
I love being with her and am so thankful that I am able to stay home with her for a full year (thank you H!) She has been on two waiting lists for daycare since before she was born and I just called to check where she is on the list and was told they won't know until late November/early December. That really doesn't work for me because what if they say they can't take her and then it's the last minute and would be impossible to find daycare. We did find a new place pretty close to our home that is under construction now. We may end up going with them for convenience. To be completely open, I do not want to go back to work. I want to stay at home with her and can't imagine having to leave her with strangers. I am just not going to focus on it right now.
We are still planning on using our frozen embryos early next year. I am torn about this. Well not really torn. I want another child, if we are lucky enough to be successful. But, I love Little G so much... is it possible to love another baby as much? I know they say that your heart just grows and encompasses each child. But, I'm still a little nervous about it. I refuse to think about it not working.
That's it for me right now.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
6 Months
We took Little G for a photo shoot on Friday, in honour of her half birthday - that's right she turned 6 months old on Thursday the 23rd! I don't know where the time has gone. I will share one of the shots with you at the end of the post. She was really good for most of the shoot, but by the end she'd had enough of getting her picture taken. We got a few nice family shots. We bought a package with this photographer off a website called living.social and it includes 4 1-hour sessions. So, we are going to go back again in a few months and do a larger family shoot. We'll have my parents and grandmother, H's Dad, and my brother and his fiancee (Little G's guardians) together. The picture I'm looking forward to is a generations shot with my Mom, Grandma, me and G.
Life has been pretty good. IF is still rearing its ugly head from time to time. My cycle this time was 35 days. I'm usually a 24ish day cycle so I guess this was an anovulatory cycle - a nice reminder that I am definitely perimenopausal. Oh well. My health is about the same. I am having an endoscopy on Tuesday to check things out. I am not looking forward to going through it, but am looking forward to find out if there is anything going on in there. If they could just diagnose something and tell me how to fix it that would be great. And by "something" I mean an ulcer or irritable bowel syndrome, nothing scary or life-threatening. Something manageable and treatable. I have a feeling though, that everything is going to come back just fine. And, if that is the case I will just deal with it.
I will also be signing the papers to have my gallbladder removed. That surgery should be happening sometime in September. Then in January we are supposed to be heading back to Brno. I just don't like the idea of flying at that time of year. It will be snowy and cold here, and it will be snowy and cold there. Blech. I wish we could have our embies transferred to a clinic here. But, the clinic doesn't do that and I would be worried that something would happen to them en route. Ah well, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
Here's a pic of Little G...
Life has been pretty good. IF is still rearing its ugly head from time to time. My cycle this time was 35 days. I'm usually a 24ish day cycle so I guess this was an anovulatory cycle - a nice reminder that I am definitely perimenopausal. Oh well. My health is about the same. I am having an endoscopy on Tuesday to check things out. I am not looking forward to going through it, but am looking forward to find out if there is anything going on in there. If they could just diagnose something and tell me how to fix it that would be great. And by "something" I mean an ulcer or irritable bowel syndrome, nothing scary or life-threatening. Something manageable and treatable. I have a feeling though, that everything is going to come back just fine. And, if that is the case I will just deal with it.
I will also be signing the papers to have my gallbladder removed. That surgery should be happening sometime in September. Then in January we are supposed to be heading back to Brno. I just don't like the idea of flying at that time of year. It will be snowy and cold here, and it will be snowy and cold there. Blech. I wish we could have our embies transferred to a clinic here. But, the clinic doesn't do that and I would be worried that something would happen to them en route. Ah well, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
Here's a pic of Little G...
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Missing my twins
It is really easy to forget that when we finally had success we were pregnant with triplets. It is easy on the surface to put aside the trauma of early onset TTTS and having to make the devastating decision to reduce my pregnancy from triplets to a singleton. We are overjoyed to have a healthy baby girl. My heart belongs to her. But, every now and then I am overcome with the sadness and a feeling of what could have been.
A friend of mine recently gave birth to boy-girl twins. They are beautiful, but seeing them makes my heartache. It simply aches for those two missing little beings. The thought of having triplets scared the hell out of me, and there was a small piece of me that was relieved when things went the way that they did. A small selfish piece of myself that I hate myself for. But, over-riding it was a sense of loss that I forced aside and chose to ignore.
I miss what could have been, even if it would have been crazy and scary, I miss those babies.
A friend of mine recently gave birth to boy-girl twins. They are beautiful, but seeing them makes my heartache. It simply aches for those two missing little beings. The thought of having triplets scared the hell out of me, and there was a small piece of me that was relieved when things went the way that they did. A small selfish piece of myself that I hate myself for. But, over-riding it was a sense of loss that I forced aside and chose to ignore.
I miss what could have been, even if it would have been crazy and scary, I miss those babies.
Wednesday, June 01, 2011
Still in one piece
It finally happened, and I was remarkably ok. I was at my hairdresser showing off the G and I could see her looking at the baby and then looking at me. She finally said, "does she look a lot like your husband?" and when I said yes, because she really does, my hairdresser said something like, right because she doesn't really look like you. The words I have been dreading were finally spoken and you know what? it didn't really bother me. That kid is mine and she could be green with purple spots and I wouldn't care.
My manic thoughts of the moment are about seeing her grow up and get married and have kids. Being a Mom at 40 makes me scared that I won't be around to see her walk down the aisle or hold her own children. She is 5 months old and I am worrying about those things. Crazy I know.
My manic thoughts of the moment are about seeing her grow up and get married and have kids. Being a Mom at 40 makes me scared that I won't be around to see her walk down the aisle or hold her own children. She is 5 months old and I am worrying about those things. Crazy I know.
Monday, May 30, 2011
5 Months
I can't believe the little G is 5 months old now. She is the light of my life and I still have to pinch myself to make sure this is real. She is growing and chaning almost on a daily basis. She is rolling over from her back to her front, when she is on her stomach she looks like she will be ready to crawl at any moment, She is starting to communicate by screeches and squeals. She has a fake cough that she is doing now that is really funny. We are incredibly lucky because she sleeps through the night, from around 8pm until around6:30am. The thing is that I don't really sleep soundly because I have one ear open for her. So, I am tired and snappy, parti ularly with H. I hate myself when I snap at him. It is like some momster takes over my body. blech. I at leats can recognize it and apolgize. I am really going to work on that part of things.
On the health side of things, I am doing ok. My gallbladder has been pretty good (touch wood) but the acid reflux is still pretty bad. I have kept the weight off from giving birth, but haven't lost anymore and feel like my body is just gross right now. The weight has shifted on my body. I need to find my mojo and find a workout that will work for me. I don't want to be an overweight mom, I want to be a good role model for my Little G. I also want to be in better shape before we go to Brno for our FET. I need to figure out what it is that is keeping me at this weight. I was thinking about it today and realized that my family may be one of the major reasons. And not in a way that I had ever thought of before. My Mom's way of showing her love was to feed us, so I find comfort in food. But that is not the reason that I fell on today. I was molested when I was young and sexualized by men when I was a teenager, a layer of fat helped protect me from those feelings of shame. But that is not what I figured out today. I realized that when I was growing up my family was thought of as the perfect family. We could be yelling at each other before going to a family party, but as soon as we walked out the door we all had our roles to play. We didn't talk about our feelings or open up to each other, we never talked about the molestation after it happened and I never told my parents about the other things that happened. I think I learned to just eat to shove away all the negative feelings. And now that I am an adult, the eating has just become a habit. They say knowledge is power and now that I know myself just a little bit better, I hope that I will be able to turn my health around.
On the health side of things, I am doing ok. My gallbladder has been pretty good (touch wood) but the acid reflux is still pretty bad. I have kept the weight off from giving birth, but haven't lost anymore and feel like my body is just gross right now. The weight has shifted on my body. I need to find my mojo and find a workout that will work for me. I don't want to be an overweight mom, I want to be a good role model for my Little G. I also want to be in better shape before we go to Brno for our FET. I need to figure out what it is that is keeping me at this weight. I was thinking about it today and realized that my family may be one of the major reasons. And not in a way that I had ever thought of before. My Mom's way of showing her love was to feed us, so I find comfort in food. But that is not the reason that I fell on today. I was molested when I was young and sexualized by men when I was a teenager, a layer of fat helped protect me from those feelings of shame. But that is not what I figured out today. I realized that when I was growing up my family was thought of as the perfect family. We could be yelling at each other before going to a family party, but as soon as we walked out the door we all had our roles to play. We didn't talk about our feelings or open up to each other, we never talked about the molestation after it happened and I never told my parents about the other things that happened. I think I learned to just eat to shove away all the negative feelings. And now that I am an adult, the eating has just become a habit. They say knowledge is power and now that I know myself just a little bit better, I hope that I will be able to turn my health around.
Saturday, May 07, 2011
M Day.
Infertility sucks and it particularly sucks at this time of year. I think in the past I have just kept my head buried in the sand and tried not to notice the big fuss that is made about this day. It was just too painful to let in. I was at the grocery store today and the cashier told me to have a wonderful mother's day. There are ads on tv and on the radio, even on the 'net. Every time I see something or hear something, my heart hurts a little for the women who have not had their dreams come true yet. I want to say to those who are still reading who are in the midst of IF crap I will be thinking of you and wishing that this time next year you will be celebrating with me.
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