Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Feeling Low

What a crap day. I’ve already not ovulated, had a super quick session of piss poor baby making (that won’t even really matter if I don’t O), had an argument with H, cried, and had a boring training session at work and a cup of caffeinated coffee. And, it’s only 10:30am. The day has to get better, right?

I’m charting again because my naturopath says it can tell her a lot about what my body is doing. So, almost every morning I wake up early and take my temperature. It’s great when I’m having a normal cycle, but when I’m not it’s torture. I am on CD12 and I have not ovulated. The cm hasn’t really changed, which has always been my best sign that I am going to. My temps are really low and consistent – 36.2C for the last 4 days. And I’m driving myself crazy checking the TP every time I go to the bathroom to see if there are any new signs of O. I told H that we should just start BD’ing (I hate that term, hmm maybe from now on I’ll use TTMaB as in trying/tried to make a baby) until I either O or we’re well past the window for O.

I think I am still in denial. Even though I regularly post to various IF related boards and read numerous IF related blogs (occasionally commenting as well!), I still have this small part of me that thinks “This can’t be me.” “I don’t want this to be me”

I don’t want to deal with injections and procedures and IUIs and IVFs and finding out how to pay for it all while my husband is still out of work. I don’t want this to be my life; how the fuck did I get HERE. The more I read these blogs I see so many successes and that give me hope, but I see so many more failures – failed IUIs, failed IVFs and the miscarriages, I cannot say how I am devastated by the miscarriages. It opens my eyes to the fact that getting pregnant is only the first goal, staying pregnant and then delivering a healthy baby is the true goal, the true destination. It makes me feel like I have this huge mountain to climb with only a small respite at each short term goal. I ovulated – rest #1, well-timed TTMaB – rest #2, Positive HPT/Beta – rest #3, Hearing the heart beat – rest #4, etc etc. So far, H and I have only made it to Rest #2 before tumbling back down the mountain. Hmm, maybe it’s more like a Snakes and Ladders game; we just keep hitting the snakes.

I am realizing that I thought I was dealing with everything, that I was ok with this infertility business; that by reading and commiserating I was actually helping myself. What I’m finding is that I’m actually adding stress to myself, to my life. But, now I’m committed to reading the blogs and cheering on my fellow IFers, I don’t want to stop reading or commenting. So what do I do? How do I find distance so that when you cry I don’t cry? Is that even realistic to expect from myself?


Deborah said...

My opinion for what it is worth, knowing you are not alone and giving and getting support is so much better than going through this alone. Family certainly is helpful, but if you are like me, being a burden to them just seems so unfair. Putting your concerns, thoughts, observations etc on paper, whether it be a diary or blog, is so therapeutic. Hang in there, I am all for trying to give others as much support as I can and will be checking in on you to see how you are doing.

Sweet Georgia said...

Thanks Deborah. I was having a really down day yesterday. I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to be a burden.
Thanks again for stopping by and for your kind words.