Monday, June 30, 2008

It's Time.

My temperature dropped today, I’m 11 DPO and it looks like AF is on her way in. No spotting or anything yet, but I just don’t feel right. And, I POAS today. Oh, my nemesis, this time you won. Of course, it was negative, white, blank, blah. What a waste of money, my only consolation is that the tests were on sale. That’s right – tests, I bought a 2 pack. The other one will be safely stored in the cupboard for the next time that my willpower leaves me.

I think it’s time that we started the IUI with injectibles process. I want to have a baby; I am so ready my body aches when I see one now. The major stumbling block is that H. is still out of work and that we (he) is paying over 4K out of pocket to have our car fixed up after the spectacular crash he caused. The IUI is $300 for a single and $500 for double, the injectibles will likely cost around $1000 (which will be covered by my insurance). Of course, it’s all paid out of pocket and then insurance will reimburse us for the meds, but, I feel like there will be more costs that haven’t been considered like ultrasounds, blood work and monitoring. And, then there’s the fact that I’m only covered up to $2000 lifetime, which gives us 2 shots at IUI before we have to pay completely out of pocket.

The mental stumbling block for me is that once we cross over to this procedure, I will officially be “INFERTILE”. Sure, I’ve gone through all of the tests, been unable to get pregnant for a year and a half, have been diagnosed with high FSH – less than 10% chance of getting pg on our own, taking 11 supplements each morning and 6 each night, acupuncture weekly, but until I actually start jabbing myself needles, in my warped mind, I’m not really “infertile”. It’s crazy. I’m crazy. I guess it is just that I see the path I have to walk down and there are so many horror stories. The path is littered with the carcasses of shattered dreams and lost hopes. I try to focus on the successes, the wishes fulfilled, but it’s the other that scares me, the reality that nothing is guaranteed.


Deborah said...

Try not to think of yourself as infertile, but fertlity challenged. OK, it is just semantics, but it does sound more like something to be overcome instead of doing you in. There are so many success stories out there, I know they continue to give me hope. Take care!

Chelle said...

I meant to stop by sooner to say thank you for stopping by my blog. I am sorry to hear about your disappointment. I wish that decisions like yours could be easier, and that there were more options. It all seems so unfair at times. Here's to hoping the next cycle is the one you've been waiting for. :)