Satisfaction

Went to a magic show last night, one of my friends was the magician, let’s call him Mr. Magic. I’ve known Mr. Magic for about 10 years or so, been friends almost as long. Until last night I hadn’t seen him perform anything except his card tricks. I’m not a huge magic fan so I wasn’t really looking forward to the show. Fortunately, I was pleasantly surprised. It was a very amateurish production; the A/V booth missed almost all of the musical cues, but Mr. Magic was excellent. It was fantastic to see him up there on stage, letting it all hang out and pursuing his dream.

It got me thinking about my dreams and I’ve realized lately that I’m completely out of touch with what I want out of life. Obviously, being a parent is high on my list of goals/dreams, but what else is there? I have always felt like there was something out there I’m supposed to be doing and it usually involved writing or journalism. I wanted to work for City TV as a sports reporter or work for Fashion TV or be a news reporter. Then my Aunt told me that if I wanted to do that I’d have to lose weight (I was 5’10.5 and weighed 155lbs at the most). And, I allowed doubt to creep in.

Now I’m 37 years old, in a job I don’t really like making decent money. I own my home, have a car, a husband and a couple of dogs, but I’m not satisfied. I’m still haunted by the weight issue. My weight has ballooned and ballooned out of control. I still feel like there’s something bigger and better out there for me, like I haven’t really found my niche. Do people always feel this way? Do all people feel like this?

There are times I think about how I got to be where I am; I feel like I kind of let life live me not the other way around. Don’t get me wrong I’m generally happy and feel lucky to have my husband, friends and family. I just can’t help wanting more. I think having a baby will give my life more of a sense of purpose and make our family more complete.
But, I need something that is just mine that I can do solely on my own that gives me a sense of satisfaction.

I think I’m going to start writing again, possibly children’s books. I remember when I was a little girl my favourite book was The Pokey Little Puppy. It set me on a lifelong love of books. I inhaled them when I was a kid, Judy Bloom, Louisa May Alcott, the Trixie Beldon books. To this day I continue to read voraciously.

Maybe I can write something that will be my little girl’s/boy’s favourite book.