Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Playing Hookey

I'm playing hookey today. I just couldn't face another day of sitting at my desk doing meaningless work. I am bone-deep sad and I realized that I'm really stressed. You can tell because it doesn't matter where I am or what I am doing my hands will be clenched in fists. I don't even realize I'm doing it.

Today I've been watching crap reality tv and having a little cry. I didn't really cry when I found out it's the end of the road with our RE. I think once the beta comes back on Thursday things will be more real and the countdown to donor eggs or whatever else is out there will commence.

I so want to be pregnant, but I'm just not feeling it. I have no symptoms. Well, my boobs aren't sore. My nips were sore for a few days (around 5DPIUI to 9DPIUI), but that's completely gone now. I have had a lot of diarrhea - that happens sometimes for me particularly around my time of the month. In other words there's nothing out of the ordinary for me. I'm trying to stay upbeat and hopeful, but today I"m not feeling it. God, please let me be wrong.

We've decided that we're going to try only on the months where my day 3 numbers are good. So, the first month that we don't have good numbers I'm going to take the opportunity to start working out again. I've been ambivalent about working out because I don't want to put at risk any early pregnancy. You know, you're not supposed to start a workout routine when you're first pregnant. So, I'll work out for the length of my cycle (hopefully it will be a 28 day-er) and then my body will be used to the regime by the time we're ready to try for the next month. I kind of feel like I need to start living my full life again and not just focusing on this one aspect.

The problem is that I feel like I'm hollow and I don't know how to go about living a full life. I guess I just take baby steps. (Ew, sorry, no pun intended. That was unfortunate)


Anonymous said...

My dear friend, let me give you a gentle virtual hug. I know it's absolutely impossible to stay positive all the way during the 2ww, whether you are right or wrong, it's just incredibly hard. So don't be tough on yourself, let it be. I think you are right about doing a bit of sport, specially if it makes you feel good about yourself.Love, Fran

Echloe said...

I'm so sorry you are feeling like crap. It was smart to take a day to yourself. I hope that the exercise regime you end up adopting does the trick and you start to feel better about things.

CHAR said...

Thinking of you. So hoping your dream comes true!! (())

Chelle said...

I am glad that you took a moment away from life and work for a day. If there is still room for hope, I hope pregnancy symptoms ensue soon.


Anonymous said...

It's good you took a day just for yourself. And I have to keep reminding myself of the same thing - to stay active and interested in other things so I don't get tunnel vision

Sandra D. said...

I've played hookey over AF, and sometimes it just needs to be done so we can make it through this crazy experience. It's amazing what a day of crap TV and an ugly cry can do for the soul.

If you're worried about working out, why don't you start by just going for walks in your neighbourhood. And then build on your exercises during the months that you feel it's safer. I find walking/working out is a huge stress reliever. Just being outside can really put things into perspective.

Another good thing to do is read some inspirational books. Michael J. Fox has a few good ones. Or go see a really silly movie. The Hangover was hilarious. It could be the nice break from reality that could put you back on track.

I hope you're feeling better soon :-)

Spacey said...

I just wanted to give you some big hugs. ((hugs))
I find too that infertility has taken over our lives. It's like we are in a holding patern waiting for what's next. We are not going on vacation or making any big purchases because we need to save and feed the money to the infertility monster.
I hope you get good news today though. ;)