There is a study being done at my old clinic to see how Co-enzyme Q10 can assist with fertility in women over age 38 with high fsh. I am 38 and I have high FSH so I figured I'd give it a shot. The study is measuring the success from high dosage of CoQ10 - 800 mg. I bought it last month and figured if I didn't get pregnant I would up my CoQ10 intake... I was already taking around 100mg of it a day. I ordered 3 months of the high dose capsules and started taking them on Sunday. Hmmm, I keep calling them capsules, but their more like bullets... they're pretty big. It needs to be taken with soluble fat, luckily I take Omega 3 every day and that counts.
Additionally, I have heard about the wonders of Royal Jelly. I'm not a firm believer in its merit, but I figured it can't hurt. I ordered 3 months worth of that stuff as well. I'm going to go back to the clinic next cycle and then I'll measure my progress if any.
That is as much of a fertility plan as I have right now and I'm loving it!
I don't feel any different taking these supplements, but I'm not sure if I'm supposed to. I've read that coq10 can help with high blood pressure. I was borderline high the last time I went to the doctor, so it may help with that as well.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Mish Mash
I got my period on Saturday, my cycle was 26 days last month. That's pretty good for me, I'll take it. It was disappointing to see the toilet paper tinged with blood and I had a moment of anger, of why me. Why can't this fucking happen. You know how it is, whether you're in the battle or on the other side. I forced myself back to the zen state of "it will happen". I was supposed to call in my Day 1 this cycle, but I just couldn't do it. I talked to H and let him know how great I feel not being at the clinic. He agreed that it's probably for the best for now. So, I just didn't make the call. I feel free and almost normal. We're still trying on our own and I have faith that it will happen for us.
This past weekend was pretty hectic. We have a little tiny den with two desks, 2 computers, a large and small filing cabinet, a ginormous bookshelf and a tall cd rack/thingy. We had to move all of that out of the room in order to paint it. This was the first time that H and I have decorated a room together. We moved into a house that had been recently done up in colours that we mostly liked so we really just had to move our stuff in. At any rate, there was minimal arguing, 2 coats of paint on the walls, 2 coats on the trim and we were done.We chose a shade of gray called Sweet innocence and a white for the trim called Wedding Veil. We had samples on the wall for a week just to make sure we picked the correct shade. Well, Sweet Innocence look a littl like baby blue in certain lights, with a grey undertone. It looks lovely, but would probably be as good for a baby's room as a den. Oh life's ironies. We also installed a light fixture. (I did it) I was terrified that even though the power was off that some residual energy waiting in the wires was going to shock the life out of me. Didn't happen. After a few grumbling arguments, a little sweat and some profanity the fixture was in place and working!
We also got news from our insurance company that they are going to write off our car. We have to forward them the bill of sale from our old car and they will then set an amount for the settlement. Sigh. I see a struggle ahead. They also informed us that once they give us the offer, we have our rental for 3 more business days, so basically we have to know what car we're going to buy right away so that we are not without wheels. We went to a dealership yesterday and conditionally purchased a beautiful, shiny car. It's bigger and more costly than what we have now. We kind of have a case of buyers' remorse, but we'll wait and see what happens.
In weight loss news, I'm down 5lbs.
ETA - i have been nominated for the Lovely Blog award. I will be writing a post on it in the next few days. Thanks!!
This past weekend was pretty hectic. We have a little tiny den with two desks, 2 computers, a large and small filing cabinet, a ginormous bookshelf and a tall cd rack/thingy. We had to move all of that out of the room in order to paint it. This was the first time that H and I have decorated a room together. We moved into a house that had been recently done up in colours that we mostly liked so we really just had to move our stuff in. At any rate, there was minimal arguing, 2 coats of paint on the walls, 2 coats on the trim and we were done.We chose a shade of gray called Sweet innocence and a white for the trim called Wedding Veil. We had samples on the wall for a week just to make sure we picked the correct shade. Well, Sweet Innocence look a littl like baby blue in certain lights, with a grey undertone. It looks lovely, but would probably be as good for a baby's room as a den. Oh life's ironies. We also installed a light fixture. (I did it) I was terrified that even though the power was off that some residual energy waiting in the wires was going to shock the life out of me. Didn't happen. After a few grumbling arguments, a little sweat and some profanity the fixture was in place and working!
We also got news from our insurance company that they are going to write off our car. We have to forward them the bill of sale from our old car and they will then set an amount for the settlement. Sigh. I see a struggle ahead. They also informed us that once they give us the offer, we have our rental for 3 more business days, so basically we have to know what car we're going to buy right away so that we are not without wheels. We went to a dealership yesterday and conditionally purchased a beautiful, shiny car. It's bigger and more costly than what we have now. We kind of have a case of buyers' remorse, but we'll wait and see what happens.
In weight loss news, I'm down 5lbs.
ETA - i have been nominated for the Lovely Blog award. I will be writing a post on it in the next few days. Thanks!!
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Perspective
Today is CD24 I *think* I'm 10 DPO. Other than some sore boobs I don't have any symptoms. I really want this to be THE cycle, but I'm not too sure at this point. What I am sure about is that my body is giving me a nice normal cycle. If this is not THE ONE, then it means that I ovulated a little later than usual and it's more like a NORMAL person's. I am thankful that I am still ovulating and that my body will still give me these cycles. With high FSH your cycles get shorter and shorter and you ovulate earlier and earlier due to the immense amount of FSH being put in the system. The egg doesn't get to mature properly and therefore is harder to fertilize.
When I first started out TTC, the two week wait was torture as time moved I just hated it. Now, my perspective on the two week wait has changed, now there's a part of me that loves it. Because it represents possibilities. This little no man's land of the two week wait allows me to ask the "what if" questions, to think I may actually be pregnant and feel that little glow of anticipation. Yes, the let down of seeing AF can hurt emotionally, but then I have a fresh month to try. Hope used to hurt so much. I don't know where this sense of peace has come from, I just know that this journey has changed for me. I am willing to do all that I can to get and stay pregnant, but I am not willing to give up on me or my life. I don't know if that makes any sense.
I have been pregnant in the past, in October and December of 2008 I had chemical pregnancies. It is a real possibility for me to get pregnant naturally. Maybe that's what continutes to give me hope and peace of mind. The IVF showed that my eggs were a good quality and H.'s sperm is excellent. It's just a matter of time, effort and steely determination until we hit that magical combination of quality egg and stellar sperm, and have a pregnancy that sticks.
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CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! To Fran of Everyone Else But Me, her repeat beta was 673 after her recent IVF.
When I first started out TTC, the two week wait was torture as time moved I just hated it. Now, my perspective on the two week wait has changed, now there's a part of me that loves it. Because it represents possibilities. This little no man's land of the two week wait allows me to ask the "what if" questions, to think I may actually be pregnant and feel that little glow of anticipation. Yes, the let down of seeing AF can hurt emotionally, but then I have a fresh month to try. Hope used to hurt so much. I don't know where this sense of peace has come from, I just know that this journey has changed for me. I am willing to do all that I can to get and stay pregnant, but I am not willing to give up on me or my life. I don't know if that makes any sense.
I have been pregnant in the past, in October and December of 2008 I had chemical pregnancies. It is a real possibility for me to get pregnant naturally. Maybe that's what continutes to give me hope and peace of mind. The IVF showed that my eggs were a good quality and H.'s sperm is excellent. It's just a matter of time, effort and steely determination until we hit that magical combination of quality egg and stellar sperm, and have a pregnancy that sticks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! To Fran of Everyone Else But Me, her repeat beta was 673 after her recent IVF.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Forgive Me
Sorry I haven't been posting or commenting a lot lately. I am busy most weekends right now. And, then there's what happened last night. There was a major storm in Toronto - 90km winds, pouring rain, continuous lightning and thunder. And, one of the beautiful 150 year old trees in our backyard decided it was time to die. Half of the tree fell on our car, my FIL's car, blocked our next door neighbour's driveway and fell into the street. Our car looks to be totalled. Thank god nobody was hurt.
The whole tree has to be taken down. It turns out that it's a city tree, so the city came and took most of it down. The rest - or as they call it the peg - will be coming down tomorrow.
It was a beautiful Locust Tree. It flowered every year, and when we had particularly steamy springs it reminded me of what the trees in the deep south must look like.
Bye bye beautiful tree.
The whole tree has to be taken down. It turns out that it's a city tree, so the city came and took most of it down. The rest - or as they call it the peg - will be coming down tomorrow.
It was a beautiful Locust Tree. It flowered every year, and when we had particularly steamy springs it reminded me of what the trees in the deep south must look like.
Bye bye beautiful tree.
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
2WW - I think
So, I'm not temping right now - not just because my chocolate lab ate my thermometer again. I"m just taking a break from all of the stresses of my ttc voyage. I may be repeating myself here, but I believe that I ovulated on CD14 or so. Now I'm in my 2 week wait and am trying to maintain some semblance of normalcy. Well, normalcy for someone who has gone this far down the road of TTC.
Sorry if I'm not entertaining or interesting right now. I'm just kind of floating along and waiting to see what's next.
After all that I've been through, all of the crap at the fertility clinics, the doom and gloom diagnoses, I still feel like I am going to get pregnant. I'm just putting it out there in the world. I am going to get pregnant and give birth to a healthy child that will live a long and satisfying life. I will be there to see him/her grow up and have children of their own. I can see it and feel it.
Sorry if I'm not entertaining or interesting right now. I'm just kind of floating along and waiting to see what's next.
After all that I've been through, all of the crap at the fertility clinics, the doom and gloom diagnoses, I still feel like I am going to get pregnant. I'm just putting it out there in the world. I am going to get pregnant and give birth to a healthy child that will live a long and satisfying life. I will be there to see him/her grow up and have children of their own. I can see it and feel it.
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
Relaxed
I had a wonderful long weekend (that's why I haven't written in a while). We went to celebrate Simcoe Day at my friend's parents' place in Simcoe. It was fabulous. My parents took care of the dogs and we headed up there Saturday afternoon. It was fun to sit around have a few drinks and tell stories, play games etc with good friends.
Sunday we drove home dropped the stuff off and then went to my parents to pick up the dogs. It sounds like the weekend went well. I don't think they really wanted to take care of them, but did because we were in a tough spot. I think they were surprised at just how well behaved the dogs really were. It was a little bittersweet though. I know my parents would really love to be taking care of our kids rather than our pets. I would love for that to be the case as well.
Monday I did some yardwork and spoke to a neighbour that I have never spoken to in the 4 years that we've lived there. He was a very nice man. I was outside picking apples up off the ground and then off the small apple tree in our front yard. Geez those things make a mess, and he happened by and we had a small chat. Then I also trimmed the hedges, weeded the garden and raked up everything and bagged it. I actually really like working outside because it gives me a lot of time to think and daydream.
Today I'm back to work. Meh. It gets me out of the house.
Sunday we drove home dropped the stuff off and then went to my parents to pick up the dogs. It sounds like the weekend went well. I don't think they really wanted to take care of them, but did because we were in a tough spot. I think they were surprised at just how well behaved the dogs really were. It was a little bittersweet though. I know my parents would really love to be taking care of our kids rather than our pets. I would love for that to be the case as well.
Monday I did some yardwork and spoke to a neighbour that I have never spoken to in the 4 years that we've lived there. He was a very nice man. I was outside picking apples up off the ground and then off the small apple tree in our front yard. Geez those things make a mess, and he happened by and we had a small chat. Then I also trimmed the hedges, weeded the garden and raked up everything and bagged it. I actually really like working outside because it gives me a lot of time to think and daydream.
Today I'm back to work. Meh. It gets me out of the house.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Time2LoseW8
I have started a weight loss blog - Time2LoseW8
I have realized that during our battle with infertility I have put on a whopping 40lbs and I wasn't a light weight to begin with. I have completely ignored my health.
A couple days ago I asked myself the following questions:
If you are so serious about getting pregnant, why haven't you done everything possible to ready your body for it? Why have you let yourself go?
The easy answer is hormone treatments, depression and emotional eating. The embarassing answer is laziness.
So, I've given myself a huge kick in the ass and made a plan. I'll be posting periodically over there. Tuesdays are weigh-in days. Feel free to drop by and cheer me on or give me a swift kick in the pants if I'm floundering.
I have realized that during our battle with infertility I have put on a whopping 40lbs and I wasn't a light weight to begin with. I have completely ignored my health.
A couple days ago I asked myself the following questions:
If you are so serious about getting pregnant, why haven't you done everything possible to ready your body for it? Why have you let yourself go?
The easy answer is hormone treatments, depression and emotional eating. The embarassing answer is laziness.
So, I've given myself a huge kick in the ass and made a plan. I'll be posting periodically over there. Tuesdays are weigh-in days. Feel free to drop by and cheer me on or give me a swift kick in the pants if I'm floundering.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
I Have Been Honoured
Fran at Everyone Else But Me nominated me for the Honest Scrap Award. I googled to find out just what the award means, I couldn't find one definition, but the gist is that it's given to bloggers who speak from their hearts. Thank-you very much Fran!
The rules are pretty simple:
1. Post the picture on your blog.
2. List 10 honest things about yourself.
3. Pass the award on to 7 other bloggers. Link to them on your site and then let them know.
So here goes nothing...
1. I was exceptionally shy as a child, and some of that still lingers today.
2. I was molested both by a stranger at 7 years old and an uncle in my teen years.
3. I have a very dark sense of humour.
4. I'm allergic to cats, horses and dust.
5. I don't really like my job.
6. My deep dark fear is that I'll never be a mother.
7. I know all of the words both narrative and lyrical to the movie Blue Ha.waii.
8. I can't sing to save my life.
9. I want so much to be able to sing.
10. I miss my Grandfather every day and can still feel his whiskers on my cheek from the time we said our final goodbye.
Phew. That was tougher than I thought it was going to be.
So, now I'll pass this award onto the following bloggers (in no particular order):
1. Mrs Hoping at Living in Hope
2. Phoebe at Tales of the Phoenix
3. Cathy at Just Another Cycle
4. Stacey at IAmStacey's Blog
5. Echloe at Non-Elusive BFP
6. The Worms at Inconceivable?!
7. Another Dreamer at An Unwanted Path
The rules are pretty simple:
1. Post the picture on your blog.
2. List 10 honest things about yourself.
3. Pass the award on to 7 other bloggers. Link to them on your site and then let them know.
So here goes nothing...
1. I was exceptionally shy as a child, and some of that still lingers today.
2. I was molested both by a stranger at 7 years old and an uncle in my teen years.
3. I have a very dark sense of humour.
4. I'm allergic to cats, horses and dust.
5. I don't really like my job.
6. My deep dark fear is that I'll never be a mother.
7. I know all of the words both narrative and lyrical to the movie Blue Ha.waii.
8. I can't sing to save my life.
9. I want so much to be able to sing.
10. I miss my Grandfather every day and can still feel his whiskers on my cheek from the time we said our final goodbye.
Phew. That was tougher than I thought it was going to be.
So, now I'll pass this award onto the following bloggers (in no particular order):
1. Mrs Hoping at Living in Hope
2. Phoebe at Tales of the Phoenix
3. Cathy at Just Another Cycle
4. Stacey at IAmStacey's Blog
5. Echloe at Non-Elusive BFP
6. The Worms at Inconceivable?!
7. Another Dreamer at An Unwanted Path
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
My Heart Aches for a Baby, but I Will NOT be Defined by That
Lately, I've been finding myself wanting to go back to simply TTC. To forget that there are significant female factors impeding our route and to just go at it. Let nature take it's course so to speak. Then I go back to the belief that I must go to the fertility clinic because I am 'damaged' and that we'll probably have to go to donor eggs or even adoption. It's kind of like I can't give up my little badge of damage, that in order to go to the FC and to TTC I have to have these negative views, and all of the stress that goes with it.
It wasn't until just at this moment, as I write a post that I was driven to write even as I still had no words, that I have realized that I DON'T HAVE TO FEEL THIS WAY. So, we're having problems getting pregnant, so I have high FSH, so we need intervention... SO WHAT! I can go to the FC and still love myself. I can go to the FC or not go to the FC and we still have a chance of getting pregnant.
I am not someone to be pitied nor should I pity myself. This is the road that I have to walk down so I might as well do it right. As me. The fun-loving, slightly scatterbrained, pudgy, loveable woman that I am.
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I am working on an award that I was lucky enough to receive. I will have a post about it tomorrow.
Also, Madhatter, you asked a while ago if I had any side effects from taking DHEA. There were none that I noticed. I will say though, that I was at one of the best research facilities for fertility in Canada and they are currently looking into co-enzyme q10. For women over 35 with high fsh, apparently it works. (well it worked in rats). It's a high dosage between 600 and 800mg per day. You may want to talk to your RE about this or consult with Dr. Google.
It wasn't until just at this moment, as I write a post that I was driven to write even as I still had no words, that I have realized that I DON'T HAVE TO FEEL THIS WAY. So, we're having problems getting pregnant, so I have high FSH, so we need intervention... SO WHAT! I can go to the FC and still love myself. I can go to the FC or not go to the FC and we still have a chance of getting pregnant.
I am not someone to be pitied nor should I pity myself. This is the road that I have to walk down so I might as well do it right. As me. The fun-loving, slightly scatterbrained, pudgy, loveable woman that I am.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am working on an award that I was lucky enough to receive. I will have a post about it tomorrow.
Also, Madhatter, you asked a while ago if I had any side effects from taking DHEA. There were none that I noticed. I will say though, that I was at one of the best research facilities for fertility in Canada and they are currently looking into co-enzyme q10. For women over 35 with high fsh, apparently it works. (well it worked in rats). It's a high dosage between 600 and 800mg per day. You may want to talk to your RE about this or consult with Dr. Google.
Monday, July 27, 2009
I'm Back
What a wonderful week! The cottage was gorgeous and we had a really relaxing time. We got back last Friday and our dogs are still exhausted. We watched one of those Cheaper by the Dozen movies and it hit home just how crazy IF has made me - I actually thought to myself "how is it fair that they can have 12 kids and I can't have any". ahem - note to self - it's fiction! Bonnie Hunt didn't actually give birth to those 12 kids.
Got my period on Monday - that made a 23 day cycle. Fuck. That was a short one. got to get back to the acupuncture and get back in the habit of taking my vitamins. Because we were at the cottage when I got my period, I wasn't able to go for my day 3 blood work. So, we're on another month break (23 day) until we can actually cycle again. Oh well. C'est la vie.
Don't really have a lot left to say. I am trying to stay positive and relaxed because it just makes me feel better. I am not going to focus too much on what I can't have right now and instead focus on what I do have. Which is a loving husband, phenomenal friends and family and two cuddlicious dogs.
One of my BFFs gave birth last Sunday. Alexander John weighed in at 8lbs 5oz. His mama had to have a c-section. Haven't had a chance to meet him yet, but I can't wait!
Got my period on Monday - that made a 23 day cycle. Fuck. That was a short one. got to get back to the acupuncture and get back in the habit of taking my vitamins. Because we were at the cottage when I got my period, I wasn't able to go for my day 3 blood work. So, we're on another month break (23 day) until we can actually cycle again. Oh well. C'est la vie.
Don't really have a lot left to say. I am trying to stay positive and relaxed because it just makes me feel better. I am not going to focus too much on what I can't have right now and instead focus on what I do have. Which is a loving husband, phenomenal friends and family and two cuddlicious dogs.
One of my BFFs gave birth last Sunday. Alexander John weighed in at 8lbs 5oz. His mama had to have a c-section. Haven't had a chance to meet him yet, but I can't wait!
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Ciao for Now
We leave for the cottage tomorrow returning on the 24th. Just wanted to say so long for now and wish everyone a phenomenal week! My Aunt has agreed to look after our house while we're gone. It's such a load off knowing that while we're away our belongings should be safe. I'm such a worry wart when it comes to these things.
Anywho, ciao.
Anywho, ciao.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Oh What a Night!
The hills are alive la la la la la la! My BFF and I went and saw the play The.Sound.of.Music last night. It was incredible. From the sets and scenery, to the costumes, to the actors and their glorious voices - sigh - it was spectacular. Toronto is truly a fabulous city for plays and dinners out.
First we went to a restaurant called Big.Daddy’s.Crabshack as it is participating in this year’s Summerlicious
Summerlicious is a city-wide event that offers fixed price dining at some of the better (more expensive) restaurants in the city. It allows us normal folk to try out restaurants that would otherwise be out of our league. There are some mid-range restaurants that take part – like Big Daddy’s – but the food is amazing and who doesn’t like a deal?
We had Cajun Grilled Calamari, Grilled Atlantic Salmon with Jambalaya Rice and grilled veggies and dessert as our fixed menu. In addition we shared the Crab Cakes & Crawfish. YUM!
Then it was off to the show. We got our tickets at a special price – they were $50 a seat for anywhere in the house. We ended up in the Orchestra section, 10 rows from the stage. AWESOME!
Oh and we capped the night off with a glass of Dan.Akroyd’s (a good ole Toronto boy) wine at the Elephant.&.Castle pub down the road from the theatre. Just right.
I could rave and rave and rave about our evening. I love living in the city and being able to make last minute plans like these.
First we went to a restaurant called Big.Daddy’s.Crabshack as it is participating in this year’s Summerlicious
Summerlicious is a city-wide event that offers fixed price dining at some of the better (more expensive) restaurants in the city. It allows us normal folk to try out restaurants that would otherwise be out of our league. There are some mid-range restaurants that take part – like Big Daddy’s – but the food is amazing and who doesn’t like a deal?
We had Cajun Grilled Calamari, Grilled Atlantic Salmon with Jambalaya Rice and grilled veggies and dessert as our fixed menu. In addition we shared the Crab Cakes & Crawfish. YUM!
Then it was off to the show. We got our tickets at a special price – they were $50 a seat for anywhere in the house. We ended up in the Orchestra section, 10 rows from the stage. AWESOME!
Oh and we capped the night off with a glass of Dan.Akroyd’s (a good ole Toronto boy) wine at the Elephant.&.Castle pub down the road from the theatre. Just right.
I could rave and rave and rave about our evening. I love living in the city and being able to make last minute plans like these.
Thursday, July 09, 2009
Quick Update
Well, what can I say… Life when I’m not cycling is much less emotional and eventful. We’re still thinking about the future and what may lay ahead of us, but we haven’t pursued anything as of yet. I’m not ready to say out loud to my cousin that we want her eggs, particularly because there’s a small stubborn piece of me that’s not ready to give up on my own.
We are getting ready for a week’s vacation (we leave a week tomorrow) and I can not wait! The cottage is such a welcome change from this day to day grind. I can’t wait for leisurely mornings drinking coffee looking out over the lake. Bliss.
It’s H’s birthday this weekend, he’ll be 41. I still don’t know what I’m going to buy him. He wants a few different things so I’ve got lots of options. Now I just need to get my lazy butt in gear. We’re having my Aunt & Uncle and FIL for dinner on Saturday night. It’s not specifically to celebrate his birthday, but we’ll have cake.
I guess that’s it for my update. Hope you’re doing well!
We are getting ready for a week’s vacation (we leave a week tomorrow) and I can not wait! The cottage is such a welcome change from this day to day grind. I can’t wait for leisurely mornings drinking coffee looking out over the lake. Bliss.
It’s H’s birthday this weekend, he’ll be 41. I still don’t know what I’m going to buy him. He wants a few different things so I’ve got lots of options. Now I just need to get my lazy butt in gear. We’re having my Aunt & Uncle and FIL for dinner on Saturday night. It’s not specifically to celebrate his birthday, but we’ll have cake.
I guess that’s it for my update. Hope you’re doing well!
Saturday, July 04, 2009
Friday, July 03, 2009
Hope vs. Worry
I want to know what the future holds. Will I have a baby? Will we adopt? Will we be forced to live child-free. I was watching a video from our family party on Saturday and I had such a yearning to be able to give that sense of love & belonging to my own children.
As each day passes I'm getting more and more okay with the idea of donor eggs. Now, I'm feeling shy about approaching my cousin about it. The offer didn't actually come from her, it came from her mother. I hope it still stands.
Not sure if you're aware, but in Canada it's illegal to offer compensation for donor eggs/sperm. If we used my cousin's eggs, we wouldn't have to pay about $10K in additional fees (administration fee, fee for donor etc). My cousin is 37 and I'm worried how she'll respond to meds, if she'll respond to meds.
I'm also worried about how our family would react to the child. Would it really be seen as ours? Or would it be seen as partly my cousin's?
There are so many things to worry about, but the thought of the option being there for us gives me hope. I guess I have to figure out if the hope outweighs the worry.
Madhatter - Hi! You asked if I had heard about DHEA. I have tried it, but can't say that it really did anything for me. I would definitely say that acupuncture has helped.
As each day passes I'm getting more and more okay with the idea of donor eggs. Now, I'm feeling shy about approaching my cousin about it. The offer didn't actually come from her, it came from her mother. I hope it still stands.
Not sure if you're aware, but in Canada it's illegal to offer compensation for donor eggs/sperm. If we used my cousin's eggs, we wouldn't have to pay about $10K in additional fees (administration fee, fee for donor etc). My cousin is 37 and I'm worried how she'll respond to meds, if she'll respond to meds.
I'm also worried about how our family would react to the child. Would it really be seen as ours? Or would it be seen as partly my cousin's?
There are so many things to worry about, but the thought of the option being there for us gives me hope. I guess I have to figure out if the hope outweighs the worry.
Madhatter - Hi! You asked if I had heard about DHEA. I have tried it, but can't say that it really did anything for me. I would definitely say that acupuncture has helped.
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
That was tough
On Saturday we had a family party at my Aunt's place in the country in honour of Canada Day (July 1st). In Canada we get the day off, but it's a Wednesday, so in order to properly whoop it up we celebrated early. It was a pretty good time.
My cousin was there with her 1 month old baby girl... my Mom held the baby for about an hour, smiling and cooing at the baby. And, slowly breaking my heart. You see I got my period that morning which was the final confirmation that the recent IUIs had not worked.
I felt alone and isolated at that party. Oh and it was great when my Aunt forced me to hold the baby. She was adorable and smelled great. It was bittersweet.
I wish I could find the old me.
My cousin was there with her 1 month old baby girl... my Mom held the baby for about an hour, smiling and cooing at the baby. And, slowly breaking my heart. You see I got my period that morning which was the final confirmation that the recent IUIs had not worked.
I felt alone and isolated at that party. Oh and it was great when my Aunt forced me to hold the baby. She was adorable and smelled great. It was bittersweet.
I wish I could find the old me.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Michael Jackson
The 80's was the decade where I had my first kiss, went to my first boy-girl dance, learned how to drive, had my first beer and developed my taste in music. I was completely enamored with Abba - I had all of there albums including SuperTrooper (one of my faves). The first album that I bought was Blondie, then the The Village People Go West, down the road Thriller entered my hands.
I never became one of the screaming girls enthralled by MJ, but I loved his music nonetheless. He changed the face of music (no pun intended) and of music videos for the better. It is that MJ that I am mourning today. Truly though, that MJ has been gone for a very long time.
I find it incredibly hypocritical that the same newspapers, radio and television stations that were calling him a monster and plastering pictures of his absent nose or him dangling children from balconies are now going on and on about what an icon we will be missing.
This man was incredibly flawed, I believe in more ways than most people. He is a cautionary tale and should not be made into some sort of saint. It's so normal for us to do these things; to only remember the good and throw out the bad when someone dies.
My condolences are with his family and children. His music was an anthem for my generation.
I never became one of the screaming girls enthralled by MJ, but I loved his music nonetheless. He changed the face of music (no pun intended) and of music videos for the better. It is that MJ that I am mourning today. Truly though, that MJ has been gone for a very long time.
I find it incredibly hypocritical that the same newspapers, radio and television stations that were calling him a monster and plastering pictures of his absent nose or him dangling children from balconies are now going on and on about what an icon we will be missing.
This man was incredibly flawed, I believe in more ways than most people. He is a cautionary tale and should not be made into some sort of saint. It's so normal for us to do these things; to only remember the good and throw out the bad when someone dies.
My condolences are with his family and children. His music was an anthem for my generation.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Negative
Another fucking negative pregnancy test, I knew it, but it still hurts. I actually felt my disappointment today.
Now we have 4 natural cycles with this clinic and then we’ll get the boot.
I’m not going to the clinic this month. We’re going to the cottage in the middle of July and I don’t want to be worrying about this while we’re there. On the plus side now I can buy Wii Active and start working out again.
I don’t know where we go from here. Looks like donor eggs or a clinic in the States. I don’t know it seems the only thing that actually guarantees that you’ll have a baby at the end of all of this is adoption.
I am in shock that this is my life. How the fuck did I get here?!
EDITED to ADD
Thank-you for your comments. I'm touched to have people following along on my little saga. Your kind words and support mean a lot to me.
Now we have 4 natural cycles with this clinic and then we’ll get the boot.
I’m not going to the clinic this month. We’re going to the cottage in the middle of July and I don’t want to be worrying about this while we’re there. On the plus side now I can buy Wii Active and start working out again.
I don’t know where we go from here. Looks like donor eggs or a clinic in the States. I don’t know it seems the only thing that actually guarantees that you’ll have a baby at the end of all of this is adoption.
I am in shock that this is my life. How the fuck did I get here?!
EDITED to ADD
Thank-you for your comments. I'm touched to have people following along on my little saga. Your kind words and support mean a lot to me.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Playing Hookey
I'm playing hookey today. I just couldn't face another day of sitting at my desk doing meaningless work. I am bone-deep sad and I realized that I'm really stressed. You can tell because it doesn't matter where I am or what I am doing my hands will be clenched in fists. I don't even realize I'm doing it.
Today I've been watching crap reality tv and having a little cry. I didn't really cry when I found out it's the end of the road with our RE. I think once the beta comes back on Thursday things will be more real and the countdown to donor eggs or whatever else is out there will commence.
I so want to be pregnant, but I'm just not feeling it. I have no symptoms. Well, my boobs aren't sore. My nips were sore for a few days (around 5DPIUI to 9DPIUI), but that's completely gone now. I have had a lot of diarrhea - that happens sometimes for me particularly around my time of the month. In other words there's nothing out of the ordinary for me. I'm trying to stay upbeat and hopeful, but today I"m not feeling it. God, please let me be wrong.
We've decided that we're going to try only on the months where my day 3 numbers are good. So, the first month that we don't have good numbers I'm going to take the opportunity to start working out again. I've been ambivalent about working out because I don't want to put at risk any early pregnancy. You know, you're not supposed to start a workout routine when you're first pregnant. So, I'll work out for the length of my cycle (hopefully it will be a 28 day-er) and then my body will be used to the regime by the time we're ready to try for the next month. I kind of feel like I need to start living my full life again and not just focusing on this one aspect.
The problem is that I feel like I'm hollow and I don't know how to go about living a full life. I guess I just take baby steps. (Ew, sorry, no pun intended. That was unfortunate)
Today I've been watching crap reality tv and having a little cry. I didn't really cry when I found out it's the end of the road with our RE. I think once the beta comes back on Thursday things will be more real and the countdown to donor eggs or whatever else is out there will commence.
I so want to be pregnant, but I'm just not feeling it. I have no symptoms. Well, my boobs aren't sore. My nips were sore for a few days (around 5DPIUI to 9DPIUI), but that's completely gone now. I have had a lot of diarrhea - that happens sometimes for me particularly around my time of the month. In other words there's nothing out of the ordinary for me. I'm trying to stay upbeat and hopeful, but today I"m not feeling it. God, please let me be wrong.
We've decided that we're going to try only on the months where my day 3 numbers are good. So, the first month that we don't have good numbers I'm going to take the opportunity to start working out again. I've been ambivalent about working out because I don't want to put at risk any early pregnancy. You know, you're not supposed to start a workout routine when you're first pregnant. So, I'll work out for the length of my cycle (hopefully it will be a 28 day-er) and then my body will be used to the regime by the time we're ready to try for the next month. I kind of feel like I need to start living my full life again and not just focusing on this one aspect.
The problem is that I feel like I'm hollow and I don't know how to go about living a full life. I guess I just take baby steps. (Ew, sorry, no pun intended. That was unfortunate)
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