Thursday, January 21, 2010

Floating Away on my Tears

I’m out. No miracle for me. On CD18 or so there was light pink when I went to the bathroom first thing this morning. I couldn’t stop the tears; despite my best efforts and the lives of many Kleenexes I just couldn’t dam the flow. My make-up was ruined and I didn’t even bother to re-apply. I was still crying in the car on the way to work. It wasn’t the deep soul shattering tears, just the ones that seem to keep flowing, like there’s tap that’s been left turned on behind your eyeballs. Of course, all of that crying gave me a headache. H. told me I should stay home, but I was stubborn and wanted to just get myself together and go to work. There’s a part of me that just doesn’t want to have to deal with this shit. Now, that I’m at work I realize I should not be here. I look like hell, bloodshot eyes and all, and my mind is not in it.

On the drive to work, H and I talked about the different paths that our lives have taken. H’s Mom got cancer when he was 12 or 13 and died when he was 16. He learned early that we are not in control of our lives and that despite wanting things badly you don’t always get them. I on the other hand have lived a pretty charmed life. There have been set backs, but for the most part I have never really had to try very hard to make things happen for me. Until now. I also haven’t really wanted anything quite as much as I want a baby. Now is the time that I must learn that lesson – you can’t always get what you want. It sucks and it’s hard and there are times I just want to give up. But, I want a baby more.

I am so sad that I won’t have a genetic connection to my baby. I am so angry that my body doesn’t work like most women’s bodies do. I am so angry at myself for some of the choices I made in the past. I thought I had made my peace with using donor eggs that I had grieved the loss of my eggs; mourned what might have been. Apparently not so much.

Our conversation in the car this morning also brought something else into focus. I am so done with clinics and giving myself injections and popping pills and vitamins and Chinese herbs. I’m done with daily blood draws and internal exams and all of the bullshit that goes with that. I know that all those REs offer me are false hope and a roller coaster of emotions. I am sick of the constant cycle of hope and disappointment.

A dear blogfriend wrote this morning that she had made a connection to an infertility expert who deals with POF. There was so much hope radiating from her blog. For a moment I was stunned by it and jealousy shot through me at lightning speed. A part of me felt ripped off that I hadn’t found this man and given myself a better shot. You see that was what I thought I was doing when I went from Dr. H to Dr H2.0. Then I read about the vitamins and supplements that he suggested she take. I realized that there would most likely be more poking and prodding and realized again that I do not want that. There are no guarantees in life, if I had found him it doesn’t mean that things would have been different for me, it may have just meant that I spent more time in this personal hell. I realized that I am done being a hamster on that particular wheel. I hope this man works wonders for my blogfriend, that before the year is out she will be celebrating her pregnancy and awaiting the birth of her child. That is her path to travel and I’ve found mine.

I know that donor eggs may not work, there’s really only about a 60 to 70% chance of it working. There are no guarantees that after our trip in April that I will be pregnant.
But, the process is so much less invasive than what I’ve been going through that I am willing to give it a couple of shots.

Despite knowing that I’m doing the right thing for me, I’m still extremely sad (doesn’t seem a big enough word) that these are my circumstances. I’m still disoriented to find myself here. I really should just go home and cry.

Edited to Add: I really did think I was pregnant this month. I had crazy symptoms. Like cramping and the feeling of fullness, sore boobs, shooting pains in my boobs, acute smell, dizziness the list goes on. It's amazing the things the brain can produce when you want something so much.


Fran said...

Come here, let me give you a hug. The fact that you definitely thought you were pregnant doesn't really help of course, and I know that deep down the hope is there. I had written a post a while ago, how my life change for the better after my second ectopic. Both tube removed, no hope of a pregnancy unless via IVF. So I'm finally free from the torture of the 2ww. Even though our hopes have never been high I always hoped and always got disappointed. Now I'm at peace. I had said to you before, I do really feel that you connect to your baby once you have it, I have no doubt about it. Much love, Fran

Spacey said...

**big, big hugs**
It's hard some days. I hope your dreams come true and you will find peace with your decision.

Lu said...

Whoa. I am so sorry. As heart wrenching of a post as that was, it was beautifully written and I think it captures things a lot of us feel, but are too scared to say out loud.

It's time to do something indulgent. Spoil yourself a bit - get a manicure or massage, eat a box of Oreos. It doesn't solve your larger issue, but it helps to give you a break and make you feel good for a moment.

Hang in there.

Valery said...

O sweet Georgia, this is so hard. I'm wearing my new softest sweater now, and I've tested it, it's tear-proof. So you can borrow my shoulder for a while if you like.
I read her post too, and don't know where I stand. Somewhere in between you and her.
Glad you managed to write, I'm still stuck...

Kate said...

Yep, sounds like you need a good hug. There sure are a lot of emotions to work through with infertility, let alone adding the DE/DS stuff in there.
But you know, you say "only" a 60-70% chance of the DE cycle working. Those are freaking fantastic odds! Even with good eggs and decent sperm, an IUI will only get you a 20% chance. So you're getting way up there stats-wise.
Hope the DE cycle is a lot easier on you physically and mentally, because yeah, all the poking and prodding and supplements and other shit really does wear on you after a couple of years, if not sooner!

Anonymous said...

so sorry it didn't work out this month - hope is a hard emotion on this rollercoaster ride. I didn't even realize that my last month was my last month before going onto DE and that bums me out in a way too. hope you made it through the day ok - big hug coming your way!

Mad Hatter said...

Oh, SG, I'm so very sorry it was negative. I'm sorry, too, if my post upset you. Maybe I'm just being naive - maybe there really is no hope for me. But I need more time to find out. Your high FSH was first detected in April 2008, but I just found out about mine in June 2009. I may still be in denial about what is possible for me and what isn't - who knows? I just had to get away from that horrible clinic I was at and figure it out somewhere kinder and gentler.

From what I've seen from other women who pursue DE, the process of making peace with it seems to go back and forth for a bit - I think that's perfectly natural.

Hey, I'm on the list for a POF support group set to meet in February - I have no idea what to expect and it would be so lovely to go with a friend. Let me know if you're interested, okay?

Thinking of you and sending you lots of hugs and love,

Lost in Space said...

Big, big hugs, Sweet Georgia. You describe those free flowing tears so well. They just keep coming no matter what you do. I'm so sorry the grief is hitting you so hard right now. Let it come as it needs to... I'm so sorry you were hit with such a sucker punch. I think no matter what plans we have "next" it's hard to let the old ones go. Hang in there and keep talking...

p.s. Happy 3 year blogoversary! Sorry I missed it.

Fertility Chick said...

I'm so sorry. Will be thinking about you.

Loved Ever said...
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