Thursday, January 07, 2010

Knowing

Sometimes I am thankful for the road I have had to travel over the last few years. I have learned so much about my body and how it works. I have educated myself on all things infertility, hormone levels, procedures, protocols - you name it. I've done research on where things are heading, what will the next big thing be. I have even gotten a little political. I'm not alone in this, it seems that most of us make these decisions to educate ourselves and be our own best advocate. This also allows us to talk to other women that are just entering this road about what they can expect and questions to ask. It actually makes me feel useful and almost worth it to have travelled along so long.

There are times when I see one of these women that's been given wrong information or false hope and I know that they are headed for disappointment. But, I don't say anything because who am I to take away their hope. The choice is to give them knowledge with a penalty of marring their path. So, I sit back and hope that this time I'm wrong.

A dear friend of mine, recently became pregnant unexpectedly after many months/years of trying. She jumped whole-heartedly into the "I'm pregnant" way of thinking, the joy thoroughly took her over. I was and am incredibly happy for her, she got her miracle! But, there was this little voice in the back of my mind whispering "slow down". Be cautious is what I wanted to tell her, enjoy it, but be cautious. I read today that her beta did not rise very much. I can only imagine her disappointment and fear. I hope that this is just a blip or a lab error, and that in fact, things are moving the way that they should.

This way of thinking has me a little concerned... when I finally get my bfp am I going to be able to embrace it, or am I going to proceed with caution and concern. Will I be constantly afraid of being too happy about receiving the one thing that I've been praying for? I want to be on the sailing over the moon, shouting it from the rooftops side of things, but I think I'll settle for being cautiously optimistic.

4 comments:

Fran said...

Well my dear, what can I say...theonly two times I got a BFP I think I only enjoyed it truly for a whole 5 minutes before fear set in. It might have been some sort of deep knowledge that things weren't really right. It might have been just the way I am when something good happens that I am so afraid it may be taken away. Or is this damn IF that removed the true joy substituting it with a mix of joy (for sure) and anxiety. I know of another girl on one of the blogs, first round of IVF she was preganant with twins...and she bought prams I think before even getting to 8 weeks! She's well thankfully, but I don't think I'll be the same. Ever! Much love, Fran

babyrecipe said...

I freak out when friends announce at 5 or 6 weeks - I had a m/c at 6 and was so happy to not have to explain it to everyone at that time. The things I know now - oh boy. Scary. My first ob tried to help, but really if I'd been with an RE I might not have lost the baby. Never even wanted to test my progesterone! I now know how to speak up and talk much more intelligently about what I want and don't want.

Lost in Space said...

I think after all we have been through it is hard to proceed without caution and concern. I suspect there is some transition to work through, but hopefully as time goes on that caution becomes more bliss...

Elisabeth said...

Hello!

My name is Elisabeth, and I am an infertility / repeated pregnancy loss "veteran". You can read a little bit about me and my experiences in my blog: drhousewife.blogspot.com . I am completing a PhD in Counseling Psychology, and my dissertation is focused upon the impact of infertility on marriage. I believe strongly that there is a need for better support services for men and women who are undergoing IF diagnosis and treatment, and my hope is that this study will aid in the development of such services.

I am contacting you after stumbling across your blog. I am recruiting participants for my study, and wanted to invite you and your husband to take part. All that would be involved would be the completion of an online survey, that would take approximately 20 minutes. All couples who complete the surveys will receive a voucher good for a pair of free movie tickets at a Regal Cinemas.

Please let me know if you are interested by emailing me at UTInfertilityResearch@gmail.com .

Best,
Elisabeth