Friday, January 15, 2010

3 Year Blogaversary

Wow, it's been 3 years since I wrote my first post. Back when I wrote that first post, in my heart of hearts I thought that perhaps it was going to be a struggle to get pregnant, but that it would happen. I thought naively we'll try and if it doesn't work we'll do IUI or IVF. I thought there were so many things that they could now, that medicine had progressed so far that it might be an inconvenience and it may cost us some money but that we'd get pregnant. That was before the high fsh diagnosis. That first year I went along in la la land, one of the blissfully ignorant fertiles. There is so much hope and optimism in the posts from that first year that I had to take them down as they were such painful reminders of my stupidity. At the end of that year I stopped blogging consistently and only started back up in February of 2008 with a post talking about being referred to an RE in April of that year.

That year I got the high fsh diagnosis (it was 12) and we did one IUI + injectibles around the time H. lost his job. We didn't cycle any more that year.

On my 2nd year blogaversary, I posted about a woman I know IRL that was just starting out with TTCing and how I just knew she'd get pregnant right away. Envy filled me up. She did get pregnant in 2009, twice in fact, and miscarried both times. I felt like such an asshole. 2009 was the year that I had a failed IVF, failed iui's and started ovulating really early in my cycle. It was also the year that we came to the decision to use donor eggs.

That in a nutshell has been my last 3 years. I can chronicle my treatments and failures, changes to protocol and plans, but the hardest part for me to talk about is how this affected me mentally and emotionally. I think because I only really ever scratch the surface on how I'm feeling. If I let myself actually feel the despair and pain and self-doubt and self-loathing I don't think I'd be able to get out of bed in the morning. So, I focus on the next step, the next new thing, the good things and most of all I cling to the hope that one day this will all work. That one day it will all have been worth it because we'll have made our family and moved on. My hope is that a year from now on my 4th Anniversary of my blog, I will be able to say "we did it" and will be chronicling a whole different journey.

7 comments:

La La said...

I hope so too (for your next blogaversiry).

I always cring now whenever someone I know IRL announces that they are going to start TTC. Becaues either they are going to get pregnant right away and that will irritate me, or I'm going to end up with a broken heart right along with them.

Oh, to be blissfully ignorant again, eh?

La La said...

*Cringe

Spacey said...

I think you will be writing a different kind of a blog on your 4th blogaversary. :) **hugs**

Mad Hatter said...

I admire your strength and positivity, Sweet G. Thank you for your blog, and for your support. I hope you're so busy changing diapers on your 4th blogaversary, you don't have time to post!!!
Love,
Maddy

Valery said...

o yes, the not out of bed feelings.. so hard to put into words, so hard to process. Moving on means doing something, avoiding the abyss.
Guess your ticker was being optimistic: less than 3 months already!

babyrecipe said...

I envision your 4th blogiversary as one filled with lots of joy and happiness with a little one in your life OR just waiting to make it's entrance! Here's to a wonderful year - praying it flies by with you and is filled all sorts of good things! Katie

Pregnant Yuppy said...

By your 4th blogaversary you will be so sleep deprived and busy changing diapers that you won't even remember it.

At least that's what I'm putting out to the universe.