Monday, January 04, 2010

I feel like I should be writing something, but I'm not sure what I want to say. After two negative HPTs, I stopped my crinone last Tuesday and then I waited and waited for my period to start. I just felt like December was supposed to be my month, my time to finally be pregnant. I really felt it in my soul. I would see the BFN and think "that's not right". I was wrong. Instead of my normal start to my period (it usually just appears), I had dribs and drabs of brown then red blood starting yesterday morning. Today it seems to be here en force, but it's just a little lighter than usual (so far). Now I have to decide whether to call in my Day 1 or not. We have a follow up appointment with my RE on January 18th - I think that's the appointment where he tells me he can no longer help me. Truthfully, I don't think he ever thought he could help me/us. I am bitter about that. Bitter that I didn't find someone who wanted to fight for me as badly as I want to fight for myself.

Today we are going to look at flights & hotels and book our trip to the Czech Republic. We have one more month before I have to start taking bcp, so we're going to try and make the most of it. But, if 36 months of trying haven't made it happen for us, I'm not sure that one month will be the difference. I am still mourning a biological child, I know I'll never hear the words "s/he looks a lot like you". It seems so silly and petty to me, yet it's what I feel. We saw the movie the.blind.side on Friday night. It was excellent. If you're not aware of the storyline, it's about a white upper class family that adopts a poor black teenage boy who just happens to be an excellent athlete. It is clear that this child is loved by the family, that he is definitely a part of the family - as much as her biological children. It reminded me that we are so capable of incredible, selfless love. I will love my de child as if s/he is my bio child. There will be a day that I will not be able to imagine not having the child in my life. Does that make sense?

This just reminded me of something my Mom said over the Christmas holidays. She was talking about a woman that she worked with that used donor eggs. My mother referred to her as "just the carrier". Sigh. I just let it go, we were in the middle of talking about epigenetics and the role that the carrier plays (it's much more than that of just carrier, feeder, sustainer of life). I thought we were making headway until my Mom came out with that. She did look rather sheepish afterwards, I know that her heart is in the right place, but she really knows how to take the wind out of a girl's sales.

Oh well, when I get right down to it, I just want to be a Mom and see H. be a Dad.


Valery said...

Oh Sweet Georgia, you are so right!
Sorry that your mother is like mine, she means well, but doesn't quite grasp the link between the technical/medical and personal parts of the story. And, for what it's worth, my mother still has to hear I look nothing like her, I take after my father. (Sorry mom)
On the other hand, a friend of mine is always told 'oh , you're exactly your father' Oops, stepfather...
I don't want to minimise your feeling of loss, just want to have a sparkling of light in the darkness of that feeling. Good luck with this, I'll be reading and cheering you on.

Lost in Space said...

Sorry about the negative, sweetie.

It's such a fine line to walk mourning your biological child while getting excited about your DE cycle. So many emotions to work through, huh?

As for your mom, I'm really sorry she said that. Hopefully with a little sensitivity/vocabulary training you can avoid it from her in the future. I think until people fully understand how those words affect us can they get it right the next time. It still sucks and hurts...

Kate said...

"Just the carrier"? Give me a break! Would apply to a surrogate, but you could hardly be more of a mother to a child conceived by DE or DS. So the genetic material wasn't from you. The 9 months of pregnancy "joy" and nurturing is all you and your DH.
I know I'd mourn the genetic connection too, but I really don't think it will end up mattering to you in the end. Lots of kids barely look like (or act lilke) their parents anyhow. A lot is in the nurturing, and you'll be so set to do that wonderfully.

Mad Hatter said...

I'm so sorry about the BFN, my friend. And sorry about the carrier comment...I'm sure your mom will get it more when there's a baby in your belly! Did you call in your Day 1? I hope so - DE or no DE, I'm hoping for a baby for you this year.

babyrecipe said...

sorry about the carrier comment - you will be way more than the carrier, you will be the MOM! I was reading someone's blog about adoption and how they made a game of "how you look like mommy/daddy" - meaning we all have something in common. It might be that some of the physical characteristics are off, but others might fit. Her kids had fun with it and were the right age for it. My point is this baby/ies will be yours! They will be from a part of you. This is a tough one to work through and I still struggle at times. And then there are my sister's kids - they look nothing like her and just like me!
Hang in there! Katie

Spacey said...

Sorry about the BFN and the comment your mom made. I'm sure her heart is in the right place, but sometimes says things she doesn't mean.

I really liked that movie too.
I think you will be a great mom and I am really excited to continue fallowing along your journey.

Fran said...

Sometimes people speak a bit too fast that's all. The brain just doesn't follow fast enough and then a hurtful phrase is out in the air and cannot be taken back. I am really sorry this cycle didn't work out the way you hoped for, but the fact that you have a plan in place it's a great way forward. You are taking actions, you are in charge of what comes next. I have everything crossed that your trip to Europe will bring back a baby. I know in my heart that once you'll hug your baby all your concerns will dissipate in an instant. Much love, Fran