Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Slightly Going Crazy Am I ...

Two posts in one day, I'm such an overachiever! I went to the doctor today because I have been having weird things happen. Ever since I had the heart attack that wasn't, I have been feeling weird. Panicky, anxious and jumping to the assumption that every pain I felt was going to land me back in the hospital. I don't sleep well and when I do sleep I'm in weird positions. My hands are always over my head so my shoulders and back are stiff. This will lead to pains in my side or back and I will automatically assume I'm having a heart attack. I am disproportionately worried about things that I would have ignored in the past. Lately, I've had a dry hacking cough. No phlegm or anything green in colour (sorry for the gory details). I had a feeling it may be post nasal drip or something like that. But, the illogical over-worried, anxious part of my brain was imagining that it was cancer or a clot. I'd have to talk myself out of panic attacks almost on a daily basis. Now I'm taking BCP and there are side effects of blood clots. Today I had a cramp in my left calf and almost went spinning out of control thinking it was a blood clot.

Added to this is the infertility stuff, the worries about donor eggs and also the short-comings of the medical care here. I have to have a lupron depot shot and a transvaginal ultrasound before I go to the CR. My doctor refused to be of any assistance, which has just added to my stress level.

And, on top of all of this, I have stopped going to acupuncture. The one thing that actually has really helped my handle my stress levels.

So, today I went to my dr.'s office (which is also a walk-in) and she saw me within 20 minutes. I explained everything to her and she was so good. Talked me down and told me my options. First, I have post nasal drip and she's prescribed a nasal spray that is supposed to help. Secondly, she referred me to a special clinic for women dealing with reproductive issues (post-partum, pregnanacy related etc) - it is a pscyhology clinic. Thirdly, she showed me where I have to give myself the needle and finally, she referred me for a transvaginal ultrasound. Just speaking with her helped calm me down.

Logically, I know that I'm stressed, but I didn't grasp the extent of it.

Now I know I'm ok from a health standpoint. I will wait to hear from the clinic and I am going to make an appointment for acupuncture for Thursday. I thought I was dealing really well with this crap. I read that book and have been using the deep breathing techniques. I guess I really just buried my head in the sand.

There's really no point to this post other than to just be honest with myself. I haven't been handling things very well and I finally got up the nerve to deal with it.


Fertility Chick said...

Just wanted to say kudos for you for being honest with yourself - that can be one of the hardest things to do. I hope that acupuncture helps bring some calm -please know that I'm thinking about you. I also wanted to thank you for posting this.

Mad Hatter said...

Good for you for getting to the doctor and thank goodness she was kind and helpful! They are so fricking hit and miss! I'm sorry about the panicky-ness - I think it's completely understandable after your scare, and also due to the fact that all these IF treatments really mess with our bodies - sometimes I just feel like a walking science experiment! All of this to say, your feelings sound very very normal and you will get through this.

Valery said...

Sometimes it is just hard. Glad you didn't really panick but took action. It would have been easier to curl up on the sofa and be miserable me thinks. hugs

Lost in Space said...

You've made the first step!! I think this journey is a series of phases in denial and coping. You are doing it and it sounds like you now have an arsenal of things in place to help... If that psychology clinic is anything like my IF therapist, I highly recommend it.

I would love to hear more about your protocol. The lupron depot has me intrigued.

Spacey said...

YAY for going to see your dr and her being so helpful and understanding.