Eight Weeks

Tomorrow Little G will be 8 weeks old. Time surely is flying by. I am head over heels in love and seem to fall deeper by the hour. We are thinking about going back to Brno in November. Actually, we are past thinking and will be going back then. Here is the thing, the optimisitc infertile in me keeps going over the "what if" scenario of us getting a miraculous natural pregnancy. Stranger things have happened, but lets face it, I will be 40 in April and my eggs were pretty crap at 35 so what makes me think that now things will be different. Oh, that is because people (my drs) keep sayng stuff lIke pregnancy can kick start your body. I had my post op appt on Monday and the dr said that I should take birth control. I laughed and sId that I've got my own built in birth control and that is when he hit me with the you never know statement.

So there it sits in my brain that has far too much time to foucs on things. And, if you have read my blog overmthe years you know that I am really good at thinking and worrying. I go from thinking that it would be amazing to get pg on our own after all this time, but then I think about my age and get scared. I think about down syndrome or kther birth defects that could be caused by my crap eggs. Crazy eh? In reality the likelihood of me getting pg without inftervention is close to 0. So, I need to focus on November and another trip to Brno.

About little G, at a month old she weighed 9lbs 10 oz, I think she is well over 10 lbs now. She is smiling on purpose now instead of just from gas which is pretty amazing. She is also starting to babble and also starting to recognize and play with toys although her hands are still mostly in fists. She has been out in her stroller for a couple of walks and also been in the car a lot going tonher grandparents or to the couple of showers that were held in her honour. She has to be one of the best dressed kids around. She is completely spoiled.
we'll have to do something about that if it continues. It is amazing how much she is loved by our friends and family. It feels like she was as much longed for and anticipated by the people who love us as she was by us. We are extremely lucky!

Here is a pic I took of her and used as a Valentine's Day card.

Just Popping In

Little G is now 6 weeks and 4 days old. She is getting more of a personality. She smiles more and has found her fists. So cute to see her happily munching on one of her fists! The big news is that she slept through the night last night. She has been a really good sleeper from the start and lately she has been sleeping at night for between 4 and 6 hours then waking for a bottle and then going back to sleep for another 3 or 4 hours. Last night she went down at around 10pm and when I woke up at 4:45am I realized she wasn't up yet I was able to keep myself from running in her room and checking if she was still breathing. She woke up on her own at around 5:30. 7.5 hours is not bad!

We had a family shower yesterday afternoon and I think because she didn't sleep as much during the day it made it easier for her to sleep thrpugh the night. The shower was a lot of fun and she was completely spoiled!

I have to say it still feels surreal to be having showers and caring for a baby. I cannot believe how lucky we are to have been successful after so many failures. We are talking about going back to Brno at the end of this year and trying our luck again with a FET. I am a little reticent about jumping back into the fertilty clinic world, but it is what it is. If that is what we need to do to complete our family then I am in for whatever needs to be done.

On another note, my beloved Packers won the Super Bowl! Go Pack Go!

4 Weeks Old

This past Thursday my darling girl turned 4 weeks old. Everyone says that time flies by and to enjoy every minute, but I truly didn't grasp just how quickly time would actually go.

Today she wore her first 0 - 3 months outfit, until now she has been exclusively in newborn clothes. A lot of the 0to3 stuff is too big for her still, but there you have it, she's growing. We have her 1 month appointment on Tuesday so I'll know then how much weight she's put on and just how much she's growing.

I'll tell you something, as much as I love her and I can't even quantify how much that is, there is a part of me that is sad. Everyone keeps saying how much she looks like H. H. will come home from work and say "so and so saw the pictures of Little G and they couldn't stop saying how much we look alike". I talk to my Mom and she says oh, I showed the pics of Little G to your Aunt or to my friend and they can't get over how much she looks like H." It breaks my heart a little, she will never look like me, there's nothing about her that could be mistaken for me. That part of the donor egg process is still tough to get over. I will get over it; it's not like my every waking moment is spend focused on it, but it is there none the less. I thought I was prepared for it, but I guess my skin is not quite toughened up yet. I'll get there. It's just tough.

Weirdly, at the same time as I am grieving the genetic link, I think that I have the baby that was meant to be mine. She was the one waiting in the wings for me to get my act together and come into my (our) life.

Faulty body

Being pregnant was a reprieve for me from my faulty body. For the first time in a long time my body was doing exactly what it was supposed to be doing. It nurtured and grew my beautiful baby girl. Before that, my ovaries basically shrivelled up before they were supposed to. Despite still getting my period every month my eggs were just no good and we couldn't get pg on our own.

Since giving birth, my body has reverted to it's faulty self. Now it's the breastfeeding thing. My breasts are not made for breastfeeding. I have gone to exclusively formula feeding. It has been a difficult transition emotionally for me because it is just one more thing that my body won't do properly. H has been amazing and supportive as i have worked through my feelings around this. Ultimately it comes down to the fact that we have a healthy baby girl. My body did the most important thing - growing our child.

As for how I am now, I am healing from the c section. It is very painful today I overdid it yesterday and now I am paying for it. The best side effect from having the baby has been the weightloss. I lost 28 pounds within a week of giving birth. I had only put on 2 lbs from my pre pregnancy weight so I have lost a total of 26 lbs. Crazy!

H and I are already talking about going back to Brno and using our frozen embryos. I am on the fence a little about this because I don't want to cheat Little G out of having her parents all to herself. If it works there will be almost 2years between kids. I know I sound like I am putting the cart before the horse, after all there are no guarantees that this will work. I need to be ready for whatever happens.

Update on Little G

She is doing well, gaining weight and is smiling alot albeit from gas. It is still so cute when the smiles come across here face.
She has her days and nights a bit mixed up but hopefully that will work itself out in the coming weeks.

G's birth story

I need to get this down in writing while it is still fresh in my mind. I want to have it for G when she is older.

On Thursday December 23rd I was scheduled to have my c-section at 10:00am. We were up early and at the hospital for around 7:30am as per my instructions I hadn't had anything to drink or eat since before midnight the previous night. That was really difficult because I had been really dehydrated at night. When we got to the hospital we had to wait for about half an hour before being brought into the pre-op room.
My Mom and Dad and brother and his girlfriend and father in law all got to the hospital around 9:30 to await the birth of our little girl. I was the second section scheduled for the day, but it turned out that there was an emergency and I didn't end up going into the operating room until 2:00pm. By that time I was so thirsty I was a practically begging for a drink of water.

I was really nervous about the spinal but I had two great anaesthitists that really took care of me and made me incredibly comfortable. The surgery itself didn't take very long and by 2:25 Little G had joined us. I heard her cry when her head was out and then briefly saw her all covered in blood and goop before they took her to be cleaned up. Then the dr went in for the placenta at that point. I started shaking uncontrollably, shivering and teeth chattering. I found out later that I had lost a lot of blood at that point because the placenta was behaving as if the triplets had still all survived.

The weirdest part of the whole thing was when they were moving me from the operating table to another bed, it felt like they were going to roll me right off of the bed onto the floor.

Then I was taken to the recovery room. H was carrying the baby and he was supposed to carry her into the room with me, but instead he took a detour into the waiting room with the baby. That scared the nurses for a minute. It took three or four hours for the freezing to wear off. While in there I could have two visitors at a time. H left so that my parents could come in and see the baby. My Dad fell in love and wouldn't let anyone else hold the baby. It was great to see.

Eventually I was moved to my room for that night - a semi private room. It was horrible, the other patient
In the room had her husband with her all nigh and every time their baby cried they called for the nurse - I didn't get much sleep.
The next day we were moved into a private room. That was much better.

I fell in love with my little girl from her first cry. The first time i held her my heart fell at her feet.

She's Here!

As of 2:25pm on Thursday December 23rd Little G came screaming into the world via c-section. She weighed 7.2lbs and was 20.9 inches long. She's perfect and has really long fingers and long toes. So far she's been a great baby, sleeping a lot and eating about every three hours. i'm doing pretty good. We got out of the hospital on Sunday and the pain is very manageable.

The only issue I have right now is with breastfeeding. I can't do it. I have inverted nipples and it's extremely difficult. Both breasts are really engorged, hard and lumpy... I found a lump under my left armpit today and it looks like there's a slight infection setting in. I made the incredibly difficult decision to go to formula - i cried in the baby food aisle while we were there to get what we need. I feel a bit like a failure. But the pumping and finger feeding and supplementing with formula was just too much for me. too many tears and too much stress around it. i'd rather have a happy relationship and use formula.

Here's our first picture as a family:




Little G - in the santa hat her great grandma knit for her...

5 more days

I can't believe it's already December 18th and it's been so long since my last update. I'm currently 37 weeks and 2 days along - I weighed myself this morning and I've gained 2lbs so far. I did lose around 10lbs at the beginning so I've actually gained back about 12lbs. I have a big red quilted winter jacket and you can't tell at all that I'm pregnant when I'm wearing it. One of my big fears was that I would not be in control of my eating while pregnant and would gain all kinds of weight. Weirdly, I haven't gone crazy, but I've basically eaten whatever I wanted and this is where I am. I was very heavy to begin with, so I'm not supposed to gain a lot and Little G is right where she's supposed to be so I feel pretty good about things.

My c-section is Thursday Dec 23rd, so it's fast approaching. Today we are going out to buy the final stuff for my hospital bag and stuff for the nursery. I am doing the last load of baby clothes as I'm typing this - still have a few stuffed toys to do. And, have to sterilize the pacifiers we bought. Little by little we're getting where we're supposed to be.

All of our Christmas shopping is done and the tree is up, our cards are all mailed out. One thing this baby has forced us to do is be a lot more organized.

I'm very nervous about the surgery. I don't know how I'll react to the pain meds and I'm worried about recovery. I've got more to say, but have to run.

More later...

Countdown is on

I am 35 weeks today and in 3 weeks at this time I will have my baby in my arms. Isn't that wild? Thanks to the planned c-section I know she'll be here and even if the operation is pushed back a little, I'm sure by now she'll be out in the world. The c-section is supposed to be at 10am barring unforeseen circumstances. Wow! I have a pre-admin appointment on Monday to meet with the anaesthesiologist to go over the procedure. I have scoliosis in my spine and we want to make sure that I'll be able to have a spinal. H will be coming along with me to make sure my questions all get answered as well as to remember the stuff I'm likely to forget or overlook.

Frankly, I'm nervous about the surgery and also about the recovery. I'm nervous about breastfeeding and whether we'll be able to do it or not. I'm nervous about a whole lot of things, but in another way I am so ready to be a Mom. I mean, this is what it's all about, right? This is what all the struggle and tears and failed tests and disappointments and set backs were about...getting to this point. I can't wait to be a Mom and I really can't wait to see H be a Daddy. I'm sure I'll cry the first time I see him holding Little G.

Despite expecting our new arrival, life marches on which means Christmas is just around the corner. We are doing our best to get all of our Christmas shopping and cards done early this year. I think we've got a pretty good handle on things. The weekend of the 12th we're going to get our Christams tree. Usually we cut one down, but this year we're just going to hit up a tree lot. I have started to put up a few decorations, but we have to wait for the house to be cleaned up first. You see, Little G's room used to be our storage space so we have boxes upon boxes of papers and stuff and knick knacks to go through. H is the one taking the lead on this and he's doing a great job! We're almost there. Once that's cleaned up I can decorate.

Happy Turkey Day!

Happy Thanksgiving to all of my American friends! Hope your day is as restful or eventful as you need it to be!

As for me, I'm currently at work and taking a couple of minutes to say HOLY CRAP - MY C-SECTION IS 4 WEEKS TODAY! Little G will be here in my arms in 4 weeks. Crazy. And, I'm off work in 2 weeks (well 2 weeks tomorrow). This is really happening.

In 34th week.

I'm now halfway through my 34th week. Holy smokes! This baby will be here in no time... 4 weeks Thursday! I worry about the strangest things and one very big item that we had not purchased until this past weekend was the carseat. They don't let you leave the hospital with the baby unless you have a carseat. I was so afraid that I was going to have this baby before we actually had the carseat.

We went yesterday and bought the stroller and carseat combination that I wanted.

We bought the Chicco Cortina Discovery...



We had to go to two different stores t get it because at the first store it was a special order item. Which means it was going to take 8 or 9 weeks for delivery. Yikes!

We also bought a gate to keep the dogs out of the baby's room:



It has door that swings so you don't have to remove the whole thing all of the time. It's also pressure mounted so that we don't have to drill into the door frame. All wins. And the best part is that Little G's room should stay relatively pet hair free.

We also bought a video monitor for her room. It zooms and pans around the room with a remote which is very cool.


Additionally, we bought a basket to go with the change pad to hold diapers etc, change pad cover, a couple of change pads, a tigger toy that H. thought was too cute to pass up.

We have also decided to go with gdiapers for our diapering needs and I've ordered the starter kit. Hopefully, it will be here in time for baby, but if not we'll use disposable until we have them.

I haven't got any bottles etc yet because although I want to breastfeed, I'm not sure if I'll actually be able to. I'm not sure what supplies I should buy.

On another note, I had my 2nd shower over the weekend. I have a small group of girlfriends and they got together to shower the impending baby. We went to a fancy schmancy hotel for tea. It was a lot of fun - I'd never gone out for tea before. It was a great time, the little sandwiches were delectable as were the scones, clotted cream, lemon curd and pastries. The theme of the shower was Winnie the Pooh, now Little G has so many amazing Winnie items includind a beautiful big book of the complete works. I (and little g) was completely spoiled.

As an added bonus, the Boston Celtics were in town to play the Raptors, and they checked in to their hotel while we were at tea in the hotel lobby. It was pretty impressive to see Shaq. He seemed to be a really nice guy, stopping to give autographs and talking with people.

hmm, what else. Oh yes, I am able to control my blood sugar levels quite well through diet. I don't have to see the dr. every week about it - just every other week and instead of testing my blood 4 times a day, I'm down to 2 times a day. I have been a little more lenient with the sugar, but as long as my numbers are okay I feel like we'll be fine.

A new belly shot should be coming shortly.

Almost 33 Weeks

I had my u/s and check up on Monday and also a follow up with the endocrinologist about my glucose impairment on Tuesday. All is going well. The u/s went really quickly because Little G was in a cooperative mood. She did her practice breathing right on queue so we didn't have to wait around for her to do it. The only thing she wasn't cooperative about was having her picture taken. She is head down and manages to always have her face turned at an angle that is really difficult to get a good shot of. So, no photos to take home with me. I then waited an hour and a half to see my dr. My blood pressure was normal - woohoo and my weight was steady. I think I've gained a total of 2lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight. Which is fine because, they use a score out of 8 when giving the u/s and Little G scored an 8 out of 8. She's about 4lbs now and measuring right on track. They think she just went through a growth spurt. So, it was all good news and then the Dr. said the following... "I've booked your c-section for December 23rd..." I just looked at him for a minute and then had to have him explain what he meant. I have been getting more and more comfortable with just playing things by ear and going into labour on my own etc. And, now I find out that I have to have a c-section.

My current Dr. and my high-risk OB got together and went through my chart and decided between the two of them that based on my family history, and also what I've been through with this pregnancy that a c-section is the way to go. Apparently, because I lost the twins a little later in the pregnancy that there may be left over tissue that is not reabsorbed into the body. If I give birth vaginally, they won't be able to tell if all of the tissue has left my body which could result in uterine infection or hemorhagging. So, a c-section it is. On DECEMBER 23rd!!! I will be in the hospital for Christmas... with my baby (and my husband of course!)!!!!

I will be 38 weeks along, and full term is 37 weeks so Little G should not have any issues. I can't believe that she'll be here so soon. We still have quite a bit of stuff to buy - particularly a stroller and carseat. I know we'll get it all taken care of.

Remembering

For my Grandfather...

In Flanders Fields
by John McCrae, May 1915


In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

In Canada, November 11th is Remembrance Day. It is the day we honour the veterans who have served our country in past and current battles. The Royal Canadian Legion, Canada's largest veterans', ex-service persons' and community service organization , sells poppies that we pin to our jackets over our hearts, to commemorate the date. The money from these sales goes to the widows, orphans of vets, as well as injured vets (I believe).

Here's what they look like:

32 weeks tomorrow

Tomorrow I will be 32 weeks along, only 8 more weeks to go assuming I will make it to my due date and don't go overdue. My last day of work is Friday December 17th 5 and a half more weeks... so crazy. At the same time it feels like this pregnancy has flown by and also that it is just putting along. Although, now that I'm approaching the end the weeks definitely seem to be going by more quickly. Tonight we have our final prenatal class. I think the classes were valuable, but I can't really pinpoint why. Well, one thing they have done for me is to make me feel more comfortable about the labour process. I was very worried, but now I'm just going to let things happen and have confidence in myself. If I end up with a c-section so be it, but there's a small part of me (that is growing) that would really like to see if I could do this thing naturally.

I think that Little G is doing well, she's moving quite a bit and I can feel that she's gotten a lot bigger in the last little while. Her kicks are getting stronger and while they don't hurt, they can be jolting at times. I do have one minor health issue right now - I have impaired glucose tolerance. I failed my 1hour test by .1 and had to do the 2 hour test. For the two hour test they test your blood 3 times - fasting, an hour after drinking the glucose drink and then 2 hours later. I failed the 2 hour test - the other two numbers were fine. So, that meant that I had to go to a gestational diabetes clinic on Tuesday to learn about nutrition etc. They treat GD and Impaired Glucose Tolerance the same. I have to eat a little better and have to test my blood 4 times a day. It's not as bad as I thought it was going to be, and so far my blood levels have all been right around where they are supposed to be.

Apparently, this will go away as soon as I give birth, so I can handle poking myself 4 times a day for 8 weeks. The weird thing is that all of my numbers are fine, so I'm not sure what exactly will go away.

Monday Smile

Um... 9 weeks left

Holy crap! I'm 31 weeks pregnant which means my weeks left until my due date are now down to single digit. Not sure why, but I just got a little overwhelmed by how much we have left to get done. Crazy!

I don't have any blankets, baby sheets, receiving blankets, bath stuff etc yet. I have to get a move on buying that stuff.

I went to my cousin's baby shower last weekend. It was really nice. She had a baby girl and she's adorable! There was one very special gift that my Aunt gave to my cousin. It was one of my dresses from when I was a baby. I had worn it then my cousin wore it a few years after me. My aunt has held onto it all these years.

She kept saying how she's had the dress "almost 40 years" and that she was waiting and waiting for one of us to have a baby etc. I wanted to scream that I'd been trying. I know that she wasn't trying to be insensitive and perhaps I was being oversensitive, but I realized that even though we have been successful after so many years of failure, the wounded infertile is still lying there inside.

Belly Pic

30 Weeks

30 Weeks

Now that's a milestone! 30 Weeks. Wow, we are in the home stretch here. With the help of my parents, my brother and his girlfriend, H and I have finished painting the nursery... I'll post pics when the furniture is in. My parents came over yesterday during the day and finished all of the trim and did the touching up. My Mom also cleaned my bathroom which really really needed it. I'm embarassed that she saw it in that condition, but I'm also thankful because it was really helpful.

This Saturday my folks are going to help us get the baby furniture and set it up. Then I'll be able to put the decorations in place and get a new rug and window coverings and the bedroom will be done. I feel like there is so much more to get done though. I have a list of things you need to buy to get ready for baby and we've only got about 20% of the things on the list. It makes me feel a little overwhelmed if I dwell on it too much. I just have to think about one thing at a time and hopefully all will be ok.

As for the pregnancy, the baby is really active these days wiggling around and sometimes it feels like she's trying to kick her way out. I don't think I've gained anything over my pre-pregnancy weight as of yet... I had lost 10lbs and I think I've gained them back. The next 10 weeks should show me piling the pounds on. I think at this point I'm supposed to be gaining .5lb to 1.5lbs per week which means by 40 weeks I should have gained between 5 and 15lbs. That's pretty good. I started out pretty big and I was really afraid about how much I'd end up gaining.

I am still feeling good and sleeping OK - although I am not sleeping soundly anymore. The fatigue during the day is pretty bad. And, I've been having some very strong cramping - yesteray was horrible. I'm not complaining, I'll take whatever comes my way in order to have a healhty baby at the end of this.

Speaking of which, I had my 2 hour Gestational Diabetes test yesterday after failing the one hour test by .1. I should have the results at my appointment next week (Nov 2), hopefully I don't hear from them before that because no news is good news. The test wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I had my blood taken 3 times in 2 hours and only have 1 small bruise so I'll consider that a success.

Starting the Nursery

A few weekends ago H. and I bought Little G's crib (that converts into a toddler bed and then eventually a double bed) and also a change table/dresser & hutch. We are picking up the furniture next weekend. So, this weekend we are painting the nursery. At first we were going to have white furniture and a robin's egg colour on the wall. Then we saw the furniture and fell in love with a mahogany set - so much for the white furniture. Then we couldn't find the right shade of robin's egg. H. happened to see a picture ripped from a magazine and hanging on the wall by the paint chips in our local paint shop. The picture was of a little girls room. The walls were a vibrant green colour - and we both just knew that would be the perfect colour for Little G's room.

So, we bought that paint, ceiling paint and paint for the trim and, along with my brother and his girlfriend, got started yesterday. My bro could only stay for a few hours so we didn't get as much done as we had expected. Today we finished the second coat and are now ready to start the trim and then touch up the mistakes we've made. I think I over-exerted myself today. My whole body is achy, but I can't help but smiling when I think of what we've been doing... getting ready for an actual baby to come into our home. I am still in a little disbelief over this. And, if I let myself think of all we haven't done I get very overwhelmed. So Much To Buy!

In case your interested... this is the crib:


This is the dresser/hutch:


Sorry about the weird size of the pics - just click on them if you're interested in seeing them. When I have pics of the finished room, I'll share them.

I had another u/s and OB appointment yesterday. It was an exercise in patience as the person doing my u/s was an intern who had never used the machine before. The u/s took an hour to be performed, which made me 1/2 an hour late for my appointment. I should have been at the appointment at 2:45 and didn't actually see the doctor until 4:00pm. Sigh.

The u/s was good though, it showed that the placenta has moved and I no longer have placenta previa. Also, Little G has flipped and is now head down. Hopefully she stays that way. She is now measuring exactly where she should be from a growth standpoint and is weighing a smidge under 3lbs (1.346kg). She's in the 50th percentile for her stage. She was really active, practicing breathing, getting the hiccups, bouncing around etc. At one point she had her whole hand shoved in her mouth. We got a pretty good profile shot of her sucking her thumb.

Then it was off to the dr. to get my GD results. They took my blood pressure and weighed me. BP was normal, and I don't think I gained any weight - they didn't say anything to me about it. Then I got my GD results - I failed by 0.1, a pass is anything 7.8 and under, my result was 7.9. So, I have the pleasure of going back for the 2 hour test next week. I fast for 8 hours, get my blood taken, drink the sickly sweet drink and then after two hours I have my blood taken two more times. Blech. As a precaution I'm going to start following loosely the GD diet. Limit my sugars, increase my veggies etc. Even if it just makes me healthier, I'll take it.

I had asked my Dr. for a c-section date as I was really thinking that with the placenta previa and my family history that I wanted to go that route. So, he presented me with a c-section date of December 23rd. Christmas is my favourite time of year and I can't imagine spending it in the hospital - even if it means the birth of our first born. Also, since it doesn't seem to be medically necessary anymore, I thought a little more about what it is I want. I asked to be induced on a day that my doctor is on call. This way I will hopefully have a Dr. that knows me and my family history, that will be watchful of how things are going and will also be able to assess things alongside my family history. Someone I trust. I want to be able to discuss with him about my progress and decide with him if c-section is the best route or not. H. doesn't understand this option, he thinks I'm trying to control things and that I think my opinion means more than the dr.'s. I will admit there is a part of me that needs to feel in control and by knowing the date (tentatively Jan 1, 2011) I at least know when the process gets started. I just need to feel like the doctor I will be going through arguably the most important day of my life with is someone who knows me, and my medical history and will be on my side.

My Aunt almost died in child birth, my cousin's (her daughter's) life was in danger as she hemorrhaged so much blood and they had problems getting her uterus to contract. 4 out of my 5 aunts on my Mom's side had to have c-sections due to the birth canal not being large enough for vaginal delivery. My Mom delivered the placenta before she had given birth to me, which resulted in an emergency c-section where they didn't know if I would be alive. This all really scares me, I don't want to die giving birth and I don't want our baby to die.

An Interesting Question

Yesterday H. and I were sitting on the couch talking and I had just finished shoving my shirt up and scooching my pants down to show him my belly and where Little G is currently residing. He laughed and then looked at me and asked "So are you enjoying the experience of being pregnant?"

The answer is an unequivocal yes. The whole point of going the donor egg route for us was so that I would have the physical experience of carrying a baby. There would be a genetic link to H and a very real connection to be as well, but the act of carrying the baby was the goal.

This hasn't been an easy pregnancy. From the joy and fear of finding out we were expecting triplets, to the excruciating decision to reduce our TTTS twins, to the ongoing morning sickness, nausea and vomiting things have not been ideal. But, I am so incredibly glad we did this and I know without a doubt that we made the right decision.

Now that Little G is kicking and moving and flipping around and I can really feel her the pregnancy has become so real. At night, she flips around and ends up on the lower right side of my abdomen. I can feel the round hard shape of either her head or her bum. I'm not sure which, but the point is I can actually feel her inside of me... from the outside. Crazy!

So my answer is yes, I am enjoying the experience of being pregnant, warts and all.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day 30

A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Dear Sweet G:

You ROCK!

That is all (and everything)

Love,
Sweet G.

30 Day blogging challenge - Day 29

Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I hope that I will be able to gain more confidence in my abilities and have faith that I will find a better job. I really can't stand where I work or what I do anymore. It is a chore. I feel stifled and unimportant and because of that and the lack of challenge I feel like I don't have any skills any more. I feel like I have nothing to offer at other companies. It's a horrible feeling to have... to feel trapped into what you're doing.

I hope with the completion of my degree and the year off of work for maternity leave that I will be able to hone my skills again and find something I really want to be doing, that gives me confidence and challenges me.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day 28

What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

The first part of that question entered my mind a multitude of times over the 3 or so years of trying to get pregnant that H and I went through. It was usually followed by a wistful sigh and a day dream of holding my own baby, or me being heavily pregnant at Christmas time or of H. asleep on the couch with our baby lying sleeping on his chest. When I actually found out I was pregnant, I shook like a leaf and cried deep heaving sobs of relief and joy. Now that I'm well over halfway through the pregnancy I finally believe that we will have a baby girl in our arms in the near future and I feel incredbily lucky. There's so much love and joy already.

Glucose Test

Well I had my glucose test this morning and will probably have the results next week when I go back for my ultrasound. The drink was kind of gross but not as sweet as I thought it was going to be. It also tasted gross because I had brushed my teeth pretty close to having to go for the test so that was icky. I almost passed out because of the sugar rush - got lightheaded and my fingers were all tingly. Luckily I did not pass out.

Then I met with my OB, I like him more each time I see him. I talked to him a lot about my family history and my fear of giving birth vaginally. My Mom is one of 11 children of which there are 6 girls. All of them except 1 (I think) have had to have c-sections. The birth canal is too small for the baby and they end up having emergency csections. My Mom delivered the placenta before me and I ended up being an emergency section. One Aunt hemorrhaged and had to have a hysterectomy at the age of 22 - her daughter just gave birth on the weekend. She ended up having an emergency c-section and she too hemorrhaged and is still in the hospital and is in need of a blood transfusion. My Dr. said that he'll make a note of it in my chart, but also that I can basically request a c-section if that's what I want. He said that I've been through so much to get pregnant and through so much with this pregnancy, that to have a successful outcome he would let me choose.

Then he checked me out and said that the baby is still breech so the whole previous conversation may just be a moot point anyway. We'll still be keeping an eye on the placenta to see if it moves or not. All signs point to a c-section in December.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day 27

What’s the best thing going for you right now?

This is an easy one, it's the fact that I'm pregnant with a healthy baby girl. This baby girl represents years of effort and tears and demoralization and determination. She represents a dream coming true. She is without a doubt, the best thing going for me right now.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

It's Thanksgiving today and I'm looking forward to a yummy dinner with my family tonight. I made an apple pie and a pumpkin pie for the occasion. I have never made either one before so it should be interesting. H. took some courses at a local college and learned how to make pastry so he made the pastry for me. The apple pie looks nice and flakey, and the pumpkin pie, well it looks like pumpkin pie so that's a start.

I have my one hour Gestational Diabetes test tomorrow morning, so I have to make sure I don't indulge too deeply in the sweets/starches today. For the uninitiated, the test starts with me drinking a sickly sweet orange drink, waiting an hour and then having my blood drawn to see my sugar levels. I hope I psss!

Anywho... Happy Gobble Gobble!

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day 26

Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Another question I'm not going to answer.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day 25

The reason you believe you're alive today.

I don't know. I'm not a deep thinker about these things and I don't really believe that people have a purpose to fulfill in their life. Just like I don't believe I have gone through infertility to be taught some sort of lesson. I do believe that living your best life and thinking about the legacy you leave when your life has been lived is important.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day 24

Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists)


I am opting not to respond to this one. I have enough projects in my life without having to add this!

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day 23

Something you wish you had done in your life.

I wish I had applied to and gone to the university I really wanted to go to rather than chickening out because it was too far away from home. Don't get me wrong, the school I went to was great and I made some of my best friends there. It's just that my university experience would have been so much different because the school was so much smaller and every student lived on campus.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day 22

Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

I wish I had waited to have sex until it was with someone I actually cared about. I don't have that great story about being in love etc etc. It was just with some random guy and done to get it over with rather than to have a special experience. I was 20 years old and sick of saying no. Not a great reason.

There aren't a lot of things I regret because I really believe that all of my experiences have made me the person I am today. And, I like the person I am today. But, this one thing, sigh, it would be have been nice to have waited a little longer.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day 21

(scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Assuming it's a bad accident and she's in the hospital as soon as I found out about the accident I would head to her side to make sure she's okay and see what I can do. If it's a fender bender, I'd call her to make sure she's okay.

It's kind of a weird question because I don't really have fights with my friends. We may have disagreements, but nothing that would stop me from talking to them.

Starting to Nest

Little G has been kicking off and on today reminding that I should be writing more about this part of the journey. I want to be able to reflect back here later on and see the little (and not so little) ups and downs that happened over the 40 weeks it takes for her to arrive.

I'm still throwing up occasionally. Most recently was on Saturday night after a very full day of shopping and partying (an alcohol free event for me). I am getting more tired and have to pee a little more frequently - I'm actually waking up during the night to go now which I can't remember ever having to do on a regular basis. Little G is moving around more and her kicks/jabs/pokes are getting a little stronger and more frequent. She seems to have her nights and days backwards because she's really active around 8:30pm. She also responds to H's voice which is really cool. When he's talking to me she tends to kick a little more. She's already a daddy's girl. The latest symptom is joint pain from the way I'm sleeping; my left shoulder and right hip are bothering me today. I was actually limping a little bit this morning. I think this is more from the way I'm forced to sleep than from anything physically pregnancy related.

About Saturday... we went to a used baby clothes and equipment sale put on by the local parents of multiples group - which we had been going to join when I was pregnant with triplets. The first hour and a half is for members only, so we went a little later in the morning. We got a Disn'ey Swing, a bouncey seat, a feeding pillow, a winter insert for a carseat, a Winniethepooh snow suit, and about 10 outfits for $100. Then from there we went to a furniture warehouse store to check out cribs because my Mom had let me know that there were great deals on cribs etc there. Well we ended up buying a convertible crib (it goes from a crib to a toddler bed to a double bed), the conversion kit, a mattress, a dresser and a hutch. The sales woman was awesome and kept cutting deals for us; she even threw in a free changing pad. We just have to arrange a time to pick everything up. Then from there we went to a big mall at the north end of the city - it's a pretty swanky mall and it's pretty huge. We had lunch and then spend 3 hours shopping for stuff for H. I was exhausted! We went home and had a few hours before we had to go to a housewarming party. We got home from the party around 10:30 or 11pm and I was wiped out. Sunday it really hit me that I can't do the same things as I used to do, I need to pace myself a little better. I was still so tired on Sunday, that I fell asleep sitting upright on the couch.

I was ironing my clothes for work on Monday morning - the ironing board is in the room that will be the baby's room - and I happened to look over at the closet. I saw all of the little outfits hanging there and it hit me anew that we're going to have a baby. There will be a little baby in our home that we will be dressing in those clothes.

It reminded me again of just how incredibly lucky we are. Lucky that the last cycle worked... lucky that medicine has come so far that it could give us this chance to be parents. I am in awe of what is happening in my body and I really do love it despite the tiredness and vomiting and aches and pains.

One last thing... on Thursday I will officially enter my third trimester!

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day 20

Your views on drugs and alcohol.

I don't really have specific views on drugs and alcohol. It's a shame they are addictive for some people. I think pot has very therapeutic qualities and should be made legal.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day 19

What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Both topics can make me incredibly frustrated at times because people's views/belief systems can be so polarizing. I am not sure how much I want to put out there in terms of my viewpoints. Suffice it to say I am not very religious and I lean left.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day 18

Your views on gay marriage.

For it.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day 17

A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

I do a lot of reading on various topics and I know that some of those books have changed my view on things, but I can't think of any of them off the top of my head.

I reserve the right to revisit this post.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day 16

Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Through trying to get pregnant and being pregnant I have realized I can live without caffeine. I stopped drinking coffee leading up to our DEIVF cycle and from there haven't looked back. I fell off the wagon in Prague a few times, but the coffee there was too yummy to pass up. Since being pregnant I don't drink pop with caffeine and don't drink regular coffee or tea. I have discovered I like decaf tea a lot, so that helps. I was a regular coffee drinker, I'd have 1 or 2 large coffees every day until I started getting panic attacks and the attacks were worsened with caffeine.

I thought I'd have a much tougher time giving it up than I have. Now alcohol on the other hand is a different story. Not that I've allowed myself anything while being pregnant, but I have had the worst craving for sangria for most of this pregnancy, especially during the really hot summer months.

Update on Me

Today I am 26 weeks along, one more week and I will be in my third trimester. Time has really been flying. I am now showing, but in most of my clothes if you didn't know me you'd just think I am fat. I officially outgrew a pair of pants yesterday and had to go buy some maternity clothes (the safety pin I was using to keep my pants closed kept popping and jabbing me in the belly). I ended up buying 2 pairs of pants for work, 1 pair of jeans, 4 shirts and a bella band type thing. The entire bill was a little over $300 but with tax, it comes out to around $36 per item - which is pretty reasonable really. That should last me through to the end of my pregnancy and all I'll need to buy when the time comes is maternity underwear and bras. Maternity pants are weird... the panel thing feels like a girdle.

On Saturday we are going to a baby sale, it is put on by the multiples group here and is all used stuff. It should be interesting. I'm not sure what, if anything, we will buy, but maybe we'll get a good deal on a dresser or change table. Then that night we have a house-warming party to go to. It will be nice to see my friends; I feel like since becoming pregnant I have isolated myself from them.

H.'s schedule is finally slowing down so I'll get to spend more time with him as well.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day 15

Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

Everyday that I'm writing these posts the questions are not easily answered. I can't think of anything that I've tried living without that I can't. I think it's a pretty melodramatic question. My Grandfather was one of the most influential people in my life and before he died I would have thought that I couldn't live without him in my life. It's been very difficult and there are still days that I cry just thinking about him, but I have been able to live and thrive without him. Isn't that human nature? We keep living and moving forward because that's what there is for us. We make the most of each moment (or at least most moments) and treasure the memories that we build.

Even, God forbid, if we had never been able to get pregnant, we would have somehow got through it. We would have continued living and being and thriving and building memories. They'd just be different experiences from the one we had expected to be living and making.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day 14

A hero that has let you down.

I don't really have anyone that I've put on a pedestal and held up as a hero. There have been people I have admired, but no one that has really let me down. Sure there's Michael Vick and his dog fighting mess or Tiger Woods and his mistresses, there was OJ and the whole murder episode, but those have been things that I've followed with interest, but not really with that feeling of being let down.

I'm a Leafs fan, so I'm used to athletes not living up to my hopes. (For those of you not in the know, the Toronto Maple Leafs - a hockey team - have not one the Stanley Cup, or first place overall, since 1967 the last time they came anywhere close making it to the semi-finals was 1993.)

I am a big Brett Favre fan. 2 years ago, H. and I made a pilgrimage down to Lambeau Field to see the Packers play the Giants in the NFC championship. The Packers lost and I thought I had seen Favre's last game ever. He did retire that summer, then came back and played for the Jets, then retired and is now playing for the Vikings. I still love me some Favre, but I do feel a little let down that I didn't get to see his last game ever - just his last as a Packer.

It's weird that I can't really think of anyone that I've held dearly that has let me down. Well, there may be one person. I think having been molested at the age of 8, changed me. It made me realize early that people aren't always trustworthy and that the only person I can really count on is myself.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day 13

A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days.

There is a Canadian group called Trooper that has a song called "Here for a good time". This song cheers me up every time I hear it. It is my anthem because I truly believe that we should be making the most out of the time we have.

Here's the song... you have to play it loud, learn the words and sing along...



On another note, I'm under 100 days now. holy crap.

30 Day Challenge - Day 12

Something you never get compliments on.

I kind of alluded to this in the last post - I don't get complimented on my intelligence very often. Upon further reflection I have realized that while it happens infrequently it does happen. In fact, I don't get complimented very often at all so it's difficult to answer this question.

I can't think of anything that I think I should be complimented on that I am not or have not been complimented on.

30 Day Challenge - Day 11

Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

I get complimented on my big blue eyes a lot and my dimples. Well, I get complimented/teased about my dimples and complimented on my eyes. I wish I was complimented on how smart I am or how witty, but really that does not happen all that much. Except by H. he thinks I'm extremely smart and capable - he's a wonderful man.

30 Day Challenge - Day 10

Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

This is a really tough one. Off the top of my head, nobody comes to mind. I have friends that I feel like I'm growing apart from, but I'm not ready to let the relationship go yet.

i think I'll have to give this one a little more thought.

30 Day Challenge - Day 9 & an Update

Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

I had a Best Friend when I was growing up. We met when we both moved into a new development with our families. We were 9 years old at the time. Her front door looked out on my backyard and we would play together every day. We were best friends from Grade 3 until near the end of high school. We would sign all of our birthday/Christmas cards "Best friends forever" and talked about how we'd still be friends when we were grown up and how our kids would be best friends just like us. It didn't work out that way. In high school we moved in different circles and just kind of grew apart. I haven't spoken to her in almost 20 years although I think of her quite regularly. Our parents still live across the street from one another, but our paths have never crossed in all of that time.

Update - 25 weeks.

Well, I went for a growth u/s and an OBGYN appointment today. Little G's estimated weight is 1lb 1oz and she's measuring a little behind at 24w4d. They checked the cord to make sure that the blood flow is ok, and I was told that it was perfect.... always nice to hear. I found out that my placenta has moved. It's not longer anterior, it is now previa. Meaning it is sitting over top of my cervix. Also, Little G is currently in a breech position. The doctor explains this as being normal for placenta previa, since the placenta is taking up the space at the base of my uterus, there's no room for the head. The doctor said that this can change, the placenta could move away from the cervix which will allow for the baby's head to move down into the normal position. But, in all likelihood, if things don't change, I will be having a scheduled c-section about 2 weeks prior to my due date. That puts us around December 22nd. I'm not sure how I feel about this yet. My Mom had the same thing with me, but before her scheduled c-section, she went into labour at home and delivered the placenta, I was an emergency c-section. Time will tell.

30 Day Challenge - Day 8

Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

I haven't been involved with many people who could fall into this category, thankfully. I had one ex-boyfriend that lied to me about everything - said he was adopted - he wasn't, stuff like that. He broke up with me early on in our relationship and I was completely fine with it, in fact, we remained friends. We got back together a couple of weeks later and were together for another 6 months. He cheated on me and broke up with me again. This time I was more invested in the relationship and he really hurt me. Looking back, I realize that we only got back together so that he could treat me like shit... I wasn't upset enough the first time.

It didn't take me long to realize that I was so much better off without him.

30 Day Challenge - Day 7

Someone who has made your life worth living for.

Hmmm, this is a really tough one. I have never thought my life wasn't worth living. Egotistically, I'd say that I have made my life worth living because I've fought through the adversity in my life and have come out of it for the better (in my humble opinion). Of course, there are people who have made a special presence in my life.

My Grandfather was a man that was larger than life to me. I am the 2nd oldest of 27 grandchildren and my Grandfather had the knack for making each of us feel like we were his favourite. He gave me the best hugs, and lip smacking kisses on the cheek and just made me want to be a better person to live up to/make myself worthy of the love he so easily gave.

My husband is another person who has made my life better. I never thought I'd find someone who would love me for me, who would see past the crap... have the patience to see past the crap and truly love me. Someone who would put my needs before his own. H. has done that for me and makes my life better for having him in it.

Little G, although technically not a person yet, has made me want to live a better life and be a better person. Her presence in my body has already made a difference for me.

My parents, my brother, my friends are all incredibly special people. I feel lucky to have all of them in my life.

3 Day Challenge - Day 6

Something you hope you never have to do.

This is a really tough one for me to come up with. After some thought, I'd say that something I hope I never have to do is to be on welfare and face being homeless. For a long time I lived pay cheque to pay cheque and I could see how missing a couple pay cheques could send me out onto the street quickly. H and I have made a real effort to get our money under control and I no longer live pay cheque to pay cheque which is a relief. I do realize that there is very little that separates us from those unfortunate people who have found themselves out of work and down on their luck.

On another note, one of the reasons I found this post difficult to write is because I believe that what you focus on will come back to you and I am careful not to give somethings too much weight. I almost feel like I'm tempting fate by answering this question. There were other things that came to mind, but I really didn't want to put them in writing. Do you know what I mean?

30 Day Challenge - Day 5

Something you hope to do in your life.

Write a book and have it published. I have always loved writing for me, keeping track of my thoughts in a diary/journal/blog has just been a natural thing for me to do. Periodically, I will write short stories for myself as well. Recently, I wrote a short fairy tale for Little G that talks about how we used donor eggs. I still have some polishing of it to do, but one day I may share it here. Who knows.

30 Day Challenge - Day 4

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

This is a tough one for me. I have done most of my forgiving already for things that happened in the past, simply because it was too much work to carry around with me. I guess, one person I need to forgive is myself - my body - for not working the way it was supposed to in order for me to get pregnant. I have carried around a lot of anger and frustration that my body wouldn't work the way a "normal" woman's would. So, that's who I'm forgiving today.

30 Day Challenge - Day 3

Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I forgive myself for leaving university after 2nd year and not returning until recently and all that surrounded that decision. I literally lost myself for a couple of years and have recently realized that it took going through that crappy time to become the person I am today.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day 2

Something you love about yourself...

I love that I know the words to all kinds of songs from various eras and that I love to rock out when I hear those songs. The only thing is I have the worse voice known to mankind. I don't let that stop me though as I belt out Elvis' Teddy Bear, or Trooper's Here for a good time. It just makes me feel great.

I am that person you see singing along to the radio stopped at the red light. Lost in my own little rock world and loving it.

Baby update...

24 weeks down, 16 to go. Holy crap, I'm not going to think about what that means.

Baby is moving lots, she's right around my belly button now.

In other news...

H. comes back from his two weeks at Wharton on Sunday and I can't wait to see him. It sounds like he has had the most amazing time and learned a lot about himself and also about the business world. I'm so proud of him for making this happen.

Tonight my brother is coming over for dinner and we're going to plan my parents 40th anniversary party. Shhh, it's a surpise. Their anniversary was on Sept 11th and we originally planned the party for Sept 25th, but my Mom is having her gallbladder out on Sept 24th (we just found out) and so we've had to move the date... we are now having the party on November 6th. My Mom really doesn't like being in the spotlight so I'm sure she'll be thinking that we're not doing anything for their anniversary...hahahaha!

Tomorrow I am going to my parents' place to meet my Mom and then she and I and my aunt are going out for lunch and then to do a little shopping - looking at strollers/car seats. It should be a fun day.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day 1

I borrowed this idea from S at Misconceptions about Conception

Each day I post the answer to the question allotted for that day.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days.
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down.
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Day 1 - The thing that I hate about myself is my inability to control my weight. I have had a private journal at one point or another over most of my life. The running theme has always been that I hate my body - that I want to lose weight. The thing is I also was molested as a kid, so there's a certain security to having extra weight - e.g., being unattractive to men. I have healed as much as I can heal over what happened years ago, but I can't break the habit of being overweight. I am ready to be a healthy weight... I have no illusions of being model thin, but I'd like to be under 200lbs for the rest of my life.

Movement

I will be 24 weeks on Thursday and I'm feeling pretty good. Still throwing up occasionally, but I don't have all day bouts of nausea any longer. The latest is feeling the baby move. She's moving more and more every day. At first it started out as just sensations, kind of like something moving inside like doing flips in there. Now the movement is more like nudges and pushes. The other day I was having some belly time (lie on my back on the couch, open my pants to see my belly, rub belly and talk to babe) and she kicked and it was so cool. I could actually see my belly move where she kicked (or punched or elbowed). That was so weird to see my belly jump up from within.

Even though I've seen Little G numerous times on u/s and can now even feel her. I still get caught by surprise and think "OMG I'm pregnant". That happened this morning. After 3 years of trying, we're a little over halfway to achieving our dream.

On a non-pregnancy note, H has been at the WhartonSchoolofBusiness for the past week and will be there until this coming Sunday. It's the longest we've been apart since we met almost 10 years ago. He's doing an executive development program and from the sounds of things is enjoying every moment of it. We talk via Skyp almost every day, which has made being apart easier. I do have to admit that it's nice having the whole bed to myself. The dogs have become really sucky, following me everywhere I go, wanting to be beside me all of the time. This morning I was in the shower and I guess I hadn't fully closed the bathroom door, because suddenly it opened fully and when I looked out of the shower both dogs were curled up on the floor just waiting for me. It feels good to be loved. Well, I guess that's if you believe that animals can have that emotion.

In addition to H's schooling, I am currently completing two courses. One finishes at the end of November and the other the end of December. They are worth 1.5 credits and represent my last 1.5 credits required to finally get my degree. I left university years ago due to some very heavy personal stuff and it's been a struggle to get to this point. But, now I'm so close I can taste it. At the end of December 2010 I will have completed a Bachelor of Education in Adult Education. Woohoo! Then in Jan I'll have a baby and in April I'll turn 40. It's a year promising big changes.

22 Weeks

Well, I'm 22 weeks along and things are looking good. I had an appointment yesterday with my high risk doctor and also an ultrasound to finish the anatomy scan - third time was the charm. The ultrasound was a little longer than expected because Little G still didn't want to cooperate, but after much moving around by me (rolling from side to side, sitting up etc) she was finally in a position for the tech to see her heart. I met with the Dr. and he went over my anatomy scan results - everything looks normal, I'm doing find - I have gained 3lbs in the last month. I think that's a total of 6lbs now over the course of my pregnancy, but I am still not back to my pre-pregnancy weight. My blood pressure was good as well. As a result, I have been released back to the low risk clinic and to my original OB. I am still going to go for monthly u/s just to make sure everything is on track the way it should be.

When the u/s tech was looking at the baby she said that Little G is really long and is going to be tall like me. That's weird. I guess I have to get used to people making those kinds of comments and just go along with it.

20 Weeks

Yesterday was my (our?) 20 week u/s to finish up the anatomy scan. They were looking at Little G's hands, head, stomach and heart. Well, the technician wasn't able to see Little G's heart properly - she was in the worst position possible for it and would not move. She was a little uncooperative yesterday; I hope that's not an indication of her personality!

I go back in 2 weeks for a dr's appointment, so they're going to try to squeeze me in for an u/s then to finish up the anatomy scan. Then I'll be released to the low risk clinic and won't get as frequent viewings of thie little one.

I have been feeling pretty crappy lately. I now have a type of a pregnancy induced sinus infection. So much mucous - it's gross. I think I'm turning the corner on it now, but it's been a week of hell. It feels like I have double ear infections, a sore throat and am completely stuffed up. Who knew this could be a pregnancy symptom?!?

Here's the 20 week u/s profile pic of Little G

It happened again.

My lovely post yesterday about how things are progressing and how i am a little nauseous still, but there hasn't been anymore throwing up must have tempted the fates. Lo and behold, this morning I'm in the shower after having just ate a lovely bowl of Frosted Flakes and wham-o, I threw up all over the place. In.the.shower. Yuck.

Little G is going to be sick of hearing stories about how she made me so sick when I was pregnant with her.

19 Weeks

I'm about half way through my pregnancy today - which seems quite unbelievable to me. I still feel like a bit of an imposter when I'm talking about being pregnant or expecting a baby. At first glance I don't look that different from the old pre-pregnancy me. For one, I haven't gained any weight and I am still wearing all of my regular clothes. I do have a bit more of a paunch, but wouldn't say that I look pregnant at all. I have had to buy a few bra extenders because the strap was cutting off my breathing, but the cups still fit relatively well.

Now, when it's just me and my mirror I can see the physical differences that have been made. I have a linea nigra stretching down from my belly button. And, for full disclosure my boobs are looking a little different as well.

The nausea comes and goes, as does the exhaustion, for the most part I've turned the corner for throwing up as well. I'm still not feeling the babe move very much, I have an anterior placenta so that will probably take a while for me to feel anything.

And, I just can't get past the fear of losing this babe. It's not the main focus of my day and I certainly don't dwell on it, but after losing the twins I can't help but feel scared we're going to lose this little girl.

I just keep praying that come January we have our little girl, healthy and active in our arms.

17w6d

We had our anatomy scan today and everything looks as it should. She was wiggling around while the tech was trying to get her measurements and I felt pure joy when I saw her heartbeat thumping away. I was overcome by this feeling of awe, I still can't believe there's a little human being growing inside of me. It's crazy!

The u/s was ok, but the machine broke down and we weren't able to quite complete the scan. I go back in two weeks to have the heart, head, stomach and hands looked at. We got another view of the 3 lines so we know she's a she. From the measurements the tech was able to get, Little G is measuring 17w3d. Then we met with the doctor. I'll go back to see him in 4 weeks and then I'll just be treated like a regular patient - won't be getting bi-weekly u/s anymore. Oh well. I think we're going to change dr.'s and go to the low risk clinic instead. It just seems to make more sense.

Yesterday, we bought some wall cards for the baby's room:

These are alphabet cards:



These are the number cards in French:



We're going to use a similar colour to the background in the alphabet cards' picture.

Today things are looking good.

17w1d

Yesterday we made it to 17 weeks. I am feeling pretty good, and have gained a little weight back now that I am able to keep things down for the most part. I'm still occasionally throwing up in the morning, but nothing like it was before. I ordered a snoogle yesterday also, because while I'm sleeping ok right now, I know that soon it will be a problem for me and I want to be prepared.

I got dressed for work yesterday and the black pants that I put on have two buttons at the waist. I could only do up one of the buttons, the lower one just wouldn't do up. I guess I'm starting to get a baby pooch. I was oddly excited by this.

At work, I decided to look into the amount of money I'll be getting on unemployment while I'm off on maternity leave. Our gov't will pay up to a maximum of 55% of your salary or a certain dollar amount. Well, I'll be making 36% of my salary which really sucks. I put a whole budget together and sent it to H. to review. We ended up getting into a major fight last night about money and how there's so much pressure on him because he makes so much more money than me. And, how I haven't done anything to help our situation e.g., by finishing my degree earlier or getting a higher paying job. He had valid points, but we've gone over this stuff so many times and we are where we are that to me there's no point in re-hashing what got us here. It's having to make a plan to go forward that we need to focus on. The truth is I should have changed jobs, but the job I'm in has so demoralized me that I just don't feel suitable for anything. I have looked and looked for jobs that I think will suit my schools - either I don't feel qualified enough or the jobs just don't appeal to me. There are weeks and months that I have spent my work day trolling job sites and then there are weeks and months that I just bury my head in the sand. I also think that through all of it I was so focussed on getting pregnant that I just didn't think about the financial side of things once we have a baby. Today we're not arguing, but I also don't think we've settled anything.

When I went to bed last night I was not a happy person. I laid on our bed and thought about what had been said and worried myself silly about how bills are going to be paid etc and then I felt the most amazing thing. The babe was moving and I could feel her! It only happened for about 30 seconds and then it was gone, but it was the most weird and wonderful thing to have felt. She reminded me that regardless of what happens, she's going to be in our world. We'll just have to work it out. It's amazing to feel myself falling in love with this little girl. I already feel like I'm her Mom even if she's just in my belly at the moment. I talk to her and rub my baby pooch and tell her everything's going to be alright. And, it will be.

16w4days

Well I finally did it; I went out and bought 3 little precious sleepers for the babe. They are so cute and tiny. One is pink and white striped with an embroidered bunny on it, one is yellow and green with elephants all over it and the third is a white velour-ish sleeper with teddy bears and bunnies on it and the feet have little teddy bear faces on them. So cute!

My friend at work also said that it looks like I’m starting to show. I hope so. I can’t wait to have a big round belly. I have total belly envy. Everywhere I go I see pregnant women with these big round perfect bellies and I cannot wait to have one. I have to duck my head so that I stop myself from staring. It used to be that seeing pregnant women just hurt too much and I would duck my head to avoid having to think about the thing I wanted most in the world.

I’ll be 17 weeks on Thursday and my next appointment is on August 4th. I’ll be able to get another peek at this little girl of mine. I can’t wait!

Over the weekend we went to my brother's cottage, it was a good time. It's a nice cottage and it's older with a lot of room for improvement. The shoreline isn't ideal, but the water was warm and dogs seems to have a good time chasing sticks and swimming. The only thing is that I didn't sleep very well while I was there and now I'm paying the price. I'm just exhausted. Maybe the babe is going through a growth spurt and that's adding to the exhaustion. Next weekend we're going to my cousin's new home for a bbq and a swim. Seems like we've been pretty spoiled and busy lately with all of our visiting. I just love the summer!

15W5D

The cottage was so relaxing, just what we needed and we really did have a great time.
The waterfront was beautiful and you could just wade straight in. The dogs enjoyed it too.



On Friday, we were in the cottage and had just finished eating dinner so I thought I'd put the dogs out (it was around 7pm). Something told me to check out the window before I put them out and that's when I saw the bear. It was on the next cottage's backyard and making it's way towards our cottage. The pictures that follow were taken from our bedroom window.





He was just a little bear, maybe 1 or 2 years old, but still very intimidating.

We got back from the cottage on Sunday, and then back to work yesterday. I also had a follow up u/s to see how our babe is doing. Heart beat was strong, everything was where it's supposed to be. I am now a low-risk healthy singleton pregnancy. Woohoo. And, the best news was that we found out the gender. it's a girl! One of these days I'll get H. to scan one of the u/s pictures so I can share her with you.

I am so happy and thankful that we were finally given some good news. I go back in 2 weeks for the official anatomy scan.

Cottage-bound

I made it to 14 weeks on Thursday and am still having pretty bad nausea and vomiting, which I'm taking as a good sign that things are ok with this pregnancy. H and I are off with the puppies for a week or so. We've rented a cottage which looks spectacular; I am itching to get on the road - we leave tomorrow. So, of course we're runnning around tying up all of our loose ends and buying supplies in order to get out of here on time tomorrow. Thankfully, my aunt is going to stay at our place for the week, taking in the mail and watering plants etc so that we don't have to worry about anything while we're gone.

I may check in while we're away if we happen to go to the internet café, if not have a wonderful week.

One Healthy Baby

We had our appointment today. We met Dr. W and she was amazing, incredibly kind and empathetic. The appointment started with an u/s to see what was going on inside there. Well, Dr. W. said that she saw early onset TTTS with the twins. One was moving all over the place while the other was barely moving. This one was stuck in place with very little amnio fluid and a very small sac. She said that based on the u/s that she would recommend reduction.

We went forward with the procedure which was done with great care and compassion. It took about 50 minutes to be completed. At the end we were able to see our healthy baby happily floating around, scrathing its head and waving to us. We got a picture of the baby facing the u/s wand and it looks like it's waving at us. Very cute.

It's been a very long day full of tears and emotion. H and I are now looking forward to our due date and keeping the hope of bringing home a healthy baby in our hearts.

13W4D - Sitting in Limbo

H. and I have made the heart-wrenching decision to reduce the twins from this pregnancy. It's been incredibly difficult and now we are just waiting to find out when the procedure will take place. We called the doctor to let him know of our decision last Tuesday and we still have not heard back from him. There was a stat holiday last Thursday and the clinic was closed from Thursday through the weekend, so I guess it is expecting a lot to think they would have called us back more quickly. It's just that with the decision made, we need to move forward. The basic reasons for making the decision came down to my health (there are very high risks of preclampsia for me), and to the health of the pregnancy. This gives us the best chance of having a healthy baby at the end of everything.

There are no guarantees anywhere with this decision, but we're hoping that we've made the best decision with all of the information that has been provided to us (as well as through our own research).

Please do not leave comments about how you know of a woman in a similar situation and her babies survived or thrived. I am happy that she had a successful outcome, but she is an exception not the norm. It's like saying to an infertile person that you know someone who as soon as they stopped actively TTC'ing that they got pregnant. Again that is the exception, most infertile women don't get that lucky.

I left another voice mail with my doctor's office last night. I am hoping that they'll call me back today to let me know what's going on. H. and I are on vacation next week and will not be available. They have told us that the longer we wait to do the procedure the higher the chance of losing the whole pregnancy. I don't understand what is taking them so long to organize things. I hate dealing with the medical profession.

We have had to change the way that we communicate with each other about the pregnancy. We tend to talk about the babies e.g., "the babies are really hungry today" or "the babies are making me so sick". Now we have to change our way of talking to talk about "the baby". It's a tough transition to make.

As to the pregnancy, I'm still pretty sick, but not all the time like it was before. I still throw up at least once a day although there are days now that I'm fine. My belly is protruding more now and it's a lot more round. I haven't gained any weight yet and all of my clothes still fit. Guess that has a lot to do with how over-weight I was before getting pregnant.

I'm very scared about going through with the procedure and the impact it could have on us - like losing the entire pregnancy. I'm tired and I wish that after the struggle we went through to get here that we could have had an uneventful pregnancy. I think that until the baby is born, healthy, with all the necessary bits and is crying in my arms that I'll be waiting for the other shoe to drop. There is no innocence allowed for me, I'm not allowed to go through anything naively expecting it all to work out.

Edited to Add: I got a call from my high risk OB, I have an appointment tomorrow at 2pm to meet with the doctor who will be performing the procedure. Depending on how the appointment goes, the procedure may be performed tomorrow as well.

11W6D - Ultrasound Results

So, we had another u/s today to check on the triplets, specifically the twins. They suspected that the twins were monoamniotic-monochorionic twins and today they were checking to see if there was a membrane between the twins. The day was incredibly long and started out with us being an hour early for the appointment. We were told to be there for 10:30am, but somehow they didn't actually book our appointment until 11:30am. By 12:30 or so, we were finally seen by the technician. H. was with me. He got a bird's eye view of the screen and kept making comments about how active the babies were and how they were jumping around. I did get a little screen time and was able to see one of them moving their hands around and putting them by their face. Too cute! All the babies are measuring well - 11w6d, 12w and 12w2d. The NT measurments were 1.3, 1.8 and 1.3 - all in the normal range.

It took quite a long time, with a few breaks to get all of the shots that they wanted of the babies. At the end of the appointment the high risk doctor came in and looked at the twins to determine if they were "sharing an apartment or sharing a room" as the technician put it. It turns out they are in fact in separate amniotic sacs. We were momentarily happy about that. But, the reality is that the twins are sharing a placenta. And, this can create many complications. There was some indication that TTTS had already set in as the membrane of one of the twins appeared to be wrapped closely around its head. We are to go back in two weeks to take another look.

We were told that one of our options is to reduce the twins so that we'd be left with a singleton pregnancy. This would give a better chance of carrying full term. We're not really sure what we're going to do. We will at least wait to see what the next u/s shows us. We are leaning towards just moving forward with things and seeing how it goes. But, there are so many factors to take into account. H and I have a lot of discussion ahead of us.

Such a bittersweet day.

11W

Well, I am 11 weeks along today. It's weird. I am so tired and so nauseous, but I don't really "feel" pregnant. I don't think that I'm showing, altough H. thinks I am. I always had a belly, but now there's a bit of a different shape to it. Maybe, I'm showing. I was down 8lbs the last time I checked, but I'm sure the weight will start piling on soon enough. I am reading a book that's for women expecting multiples, the dr. in the book recommends gaining between 58 and 75lbs regardless of how much your starting weight is. I cannot imagine putting on over 60lbs. It's just plain crazy! There is so much evidence to support what she's saying though; the multiples that are born through her practice are 35% above the average weight for multiples and spend less time in the NICU. This is a big incentive for me. I'm going to talk to my doctor next week when we're there about this book and how realistic it is for me. We go for our u/s on June 23rd, I will be 11w6d along. As you know, we are hoping that they see a third sac that day. Please keep us in your thoughts.

On another note, things are getting busy at work and at home. This weekend we have dinner at a friend's on Friday and dinner at my parents' for Father's day. Tonight we're bring the wheaten in for her shots, we already tooke the lab in. Next week, on Tuesday we have the New and Expectant Parents night with the local multiples group. I'm really looking forward to that. Also, I'm working from home next week because of the G20 summit in Toronto. My office is pretty close to the site and for safety reasons I won't be going into the office.

Anyway, that's all I've got for now.

H.

I just want to take a minute a write about my man H. I know he's going to be an amazing and an involved Dad. He's already making sacrifices to make sure he's there for me and the triplets. I think I mentioned earlier that he got accepted to start his MBA in the fall and how proud I am of him. He has decided to defer starting the MBA until next year so that he can be here and available for me and the triplets when they're born. It is a load off of my mind knowing that he will be completely available at that time.

The other wonderful thing about H. is that he's already started taking care of me. He sees how sick and how tired I am all of the time and he's started taking on more of the chores around the house. He is cooking dinner, doing the groceries and doing the laundry for me. He won't let me lift anything that's too heavy and generally just looks out for my best interest.

He's being amazing and I just felt the need to acknowledge him for that.

Doing a little better

I found a forum for parents and expectant parents of momo (monochorionic and monoamniotic) twins. The information there was enlightening. First, since I'm being diagnosed based on a 7 week ultrasound, there is a chance that I've been misdiagnosed. I am hoping that at my u/s next week the magical 3rd sack will appear. That would still mean that the twins are sharing a placenta and we'd have to watch out for TTTS - inequal sharing of nutrients etc - one twin laps everything up while the other one dies or is significantly smaller.

A lot of women with momo twins go into the hospital for daily monitoring around 24 to 26 weeks. A man on the forum, himself the father of momo twins, wrote that entering the hospital means that if something goes wrong they will deliver the twins and therefore you need to be ok with the implications of having those twins at 24 weeks. H. and I have used this information to formulate an approach that we feel comfortable with. We'll be able to use this info when we talk with the high risk doctor next week.

I always feel a little bit better when I feel like I have some control. Having a plan, gives me the semblance of control back and has helped me to feel a little better about the outcome of this pregnancy.

I also feel sorry for the fraternal in there. There s/he is floating around minding its own business and if something goes wrong with the twins that can end the fraternal's life. That's just crazy.

I feel bad that there is nothing I can do to make sure all 3 are safe and secure. I am taking my prenatals and I am eating as much as I can. I am really really sick still. The worst is puking first thing in the morning on an empty stomach. Blech! I have lost 8lbs now. I know that I'm eating lots and that eventually things will turn around so I'm not worried about that.

Every time I complain about how crappy I feel or that I hate throwing up H. reminds me that this is what I wanted. And, it's true, whenever I thought about being pregnant and the possibility of morning sickness etc I always thought to myself "I'll take it all just for the chance of being pregnant". And, for the most part I still feel that way, some days though when I just feel like shit warmed over it's hard to keep that though front and center. The other thing H. pointed out is that if I wasn't having any symptoms I'd be worrying myself sick. So, it's best that things are as they are.

Oh, and I'm done my progesterone now. The original plan was to take it all the way until I hit 12 weeks, but I had to order more meds (my Dr. here would not prescribe them) and the meds got stopped at the border. They were refused entry. I went to my RE in CR (well emailed) and he said it's ok to stop now. I haven't used one since Thursday and I'm feeling ok. I will continue my estrogen until this Friday and then I'm done with that. I can't wait! The less pills I have to pop the better.

10W1D - First OBGYN Appointment

So, I went to me first OB/GYN appointment today. Both the nurse and the doctor are very nice. I was hoping for an u/s but didn't get one. We found out that we are at a very high risk of losing this pregnancy - losing all 3 of the babies. It was a pretty hard appointment to sit through. The doctor listed all of the risks... primarily that they think the twins are in the same amnio sac and that they're sharing a placenta (1% of twin pregnancies are this way - monochorionic and monoamniotic aka momo). There's a danger that the cords can intertwine cutting off supply to one or both of the babies. The cord could strangle one or the other. Losing one or both of the twins could force my body to dispose of everything in the uterus, which means even though the fraternal baby is healthy we could lose it. The doctor also said that triplet pregnancies aren't safe until after 24 weeks when they can actually attempt to save them. Up until then there are no guarantees. We talked about reduction and the likelihood that even if we chose to reduce the twins then there's a significant chance we'd lose all 3. Fun times. I cried. All I could think is that we've been through hell for 3 years and then we finally get pregnant, see the heartbeats etc, I'm finally coming to terms with the prospect of being a mom to triplets and then I hear how it could all just slip through my fingers.

I know the doctor has to prepare you for the worst, but wow, I'm still just trying to digest everything. We have an u/s scheduled for July 8th - I'll be 14 weeks along. We could have gone in at 12 weeks, but the dr. kept saying that between 14 & 16 weeks is where they'd be able to tell if the twins are in different amniotic sacs. Now, it's just a waiting game. And, a praying game. I am praying that the twins are in different sacs and it was just too early to see the walls of the sacs (which is what the dr. said is possible).

Thank god, H went with me. He was my rock and asked a bunch of really great questions while I sat there looking like a deer in the headlights.

I'm scared, but I'm choosing to look at things positively. I'm still throwing up and feeling like crap. That must account for something.

UPDATE - I just got a call from the u/s technician that will be doing my u/s. She called the other lab to get a copy of my results and the pics - she has moved my appointment up to June 23 (I'll be 11w6D) - the u/s will take an hour and a half and then I've got an appointment to see the high risk doctor. I don't know whether to be happy about this or scared since they want to see me sooner. It makes me feel better to have less time to wait and worry. Who knows, there may be 3 sacs in there after all.

9W4D

I am 9 weeks and 4 days along today and still feeling horrible. Before I get into what's been going on with this pregnancy, I want to apologize for seemingly dropping off the face of the earth. I was at a conference last week in a city different from my own and I didn't have time to blog or check in on most of your blogs. I'm trying to read along and keep up with your journeys, I just may not be commenting as much as I used to - I just don't have a lot to say.

We are still trying to absorb the triplet news. It is amazing that we were lucky enough to get pregnant, let alone with 3 babies. It's just that financially, emotionally and mentally we're not quite prepared for 3. It's still a lot for me to digest.

H. is supposed to be starting his MBA in late August, if I make it to 34 weeks (typical time of delivery for triplets) I'd be due around November 25th. I don't know how he's going to be able to work full time and do his MBA while being available to help me. We are looking at various options - e.g., him deferring for a year. But, then I think a lot can happen in a year - will he actually still do it? Can we handle it if he does do his MBA and we have 3 newborns at home?

We also don't have a room for my Mom or anyone to stay in to help us after the babies are born. We're looking at selling our home and moving out of the city or at least a little further east. Then there's the car, we have a Chevy Equinox. I'm not sure that 3 car seats will fit across the back of the car. We may have to get something bigger. That will accomodate 3 babies, 2 adults and 2 dogs.

On top of all of the what ifs and life changes, I am sick. I hate throwing up and fight it with every ounce in me. I will sit with a churning acidic stomach for hours rather than giving in to throwing up. I have pulled a muscle around my ribs from the vomiting. And, then there's the sheer exhaustion; exhaustion like I can hardly believe.

I am eating every couple of hours and to date I've lost 6lbs. I'm a big woman, so I know the babies are getting what they need, but it's strange to be eating as much as I am as often as I am and not gaining any weight. I know this will change; it just hasn't happened yet.

I know I've done a lot of complaining, but I wouldn't change this for the world. I know I should be more cautious about things, but I am just so thankful that we're going to finally have our family. I guess I am counting my chicks before they're hatched. We have our first appointment with the OB/GYN on Friday = dr. S. I think we'll also be doing another u/s then as well so we'll be able to see how everything is going. I'll post afterwards to let you know how it went.