What the hell was that?

Today was my weekly acupuncture appointment, the only difference here was that my lovely acupuncturist/naturopath, Dr. Nice was off on vacation (in sunny Cuba – lucky girl!) so I was in with the perky chiro/acupuncturist that was filling in for her. Have you ever seen a chiro table? It doesn’t look like your normal dr.’s table. It’s ergonomic and fits the shape of the body… that is if you are a teeny tiny person. If you’re someone like me, it’s completely uncomfortable because your feet hang off the end and there are no sides to rest your arms on so they are either folded across your stomach or dangle down towards the floor.

Anyway, I hop (haha, try gingerly move) onto the table and locate the most comfortable position possible (feet hanging off from the table at the lower calf, arms folded at my sides so that my hands are under my bum, head resting on the head rest area that has a crack down the middle). Meanwhile perky girl puts the needles in their allocated spots. This all goes well – no pain, no blood, no tears. Sigh. Then she turns out the lights and leaves the room, closing the door behind her with the chipper words “Relax and enjoy your nap”. I suddenly go into panic mode. I’m lying on some contraption in the dark, with pins sticking in me, being serenaded by some kind of weird Japanese opera while the walls feel like they’re closing in around me. I was {} this close to hopping off the table and running out of the room screaming. I could feel the blood rushing to my head, my chest getting tight and my heart begin to pump pump pump. All the classic signs of a panic attack.

I knew that if I didn’t act quickly I’d have a full-blown attack on my hands and who knows where that would lead. So, I started trying to even out my breathing, in through the nose, out through the mouth… big, deep, cleansing breaths. Then, I put myself in my happy place – in a backyard pool floating face up with the hot sun beating down and the small waves lapping against the sides of my face and body. Inch by inch my body started to relax… but, I never quite reached the Zen feeling I normally get from acu.

OK – I just have to say it. I hated it. It was horrible. I can’t believe what a creature of habit I am, but I love Dr. Nice. She’s awesome. And, I love her big squishy table that my feet don’t hang off and my arms don’t dangle from. I love that she dims the lights rather than plunging me into darkness like I’m being punished for something. I can’t help it. I just like what I like and if I had ever been referred to perky girl, despite all of the great things I’d heard about acu prior to starting it, I would NEVER have continued it.

On the plus side, I guess it’s nice to experience something like that so that you find out how much you appreciate the people in your life.

I can’t wait for Dr. Nice to get back.

I'm officially a pin cushion...

Last night, I did my first set of shots to launch us towards IVF. .05 of Suprefact (ETA - Spacey - the Suprefact is for suppression) and 150 iu of Puregon. I some how nicked myself removing the needle for the Puregon and bled for a little bit. I was a little nervous because I hadn’t given myself any shots since last August. I also had a bit of a meltdown because I thought I didn’t have any needles for my puregon pen… my mind was swirling trying to figure out how I was going to give myself the shot without needles. Then I realized that in the box with the cartridge there were not one, but two boxes of needles. Oops. Disaster averted.

This morning’s sticking went much better. I’m almost over the weird sensation of plunging something into my belly. I’m sure by the end of this I’ll be an old pro at shooting up.

And... go.

I was getting a little worried because I still didn't have my period after stopping BCP last Wednesday (March 4), so on Monday(yesterday) I emailed my clinic to let them know and to find out if I should be worried. Well, I got a call back today. I have to start meds tonight. This will be considered my Day 3. They forgot to tell me one important thing... if I didn't have my period within 5 days I should have started the meds. Hmph. So, today is 6 days later, but should be fine.

Wow. This is really happening. And, it starts tonight. I'm excited and a little overwhelmed with things. Trying desparately to manage my hope and expectations. There are so many hurdles to get past. Hurdle #1 was a cycle with a lower FSH., Hurdle #2 shrink cyst, Hurdle #3 - get period to start meds. The next hurdle is how I respond to the meds. I'll find out on Saturday morning at my first check up ultrasound.

On another note, I found out an urban infertile myth can really happen. This blogger, has 3 month old twins (ivf) and has magically found herself pregnant with no intervention. It really does happen! Go by and read her story, wish her well!

The Ball is Rolling

Today was my follow up ultrasound to make sure the cyst had shrunk. I was so happy to find out that they didn’t need to do any blood work! When the called my name, I hopped up, entered the room and dropped trow. After mere moments of waiting, nude from the waist down (well wrapped in one of those crappy paper sheets that doesn’t quite close around my massive hips) I was called into the room. Dr. HMHMM was there – I didn’t quite catch his name last time – waiting with his magic wand. Lining .5, cyst down to .9 and wonder of all wonders I had 4 or 5 follicles on each ovary. I almost did a back flip off the edge of the examining table – darn foot rests were in the way.

So, here’s the deal. Stop taking BCP and wait for period. On CD3 start 150 iu of Puregon twice per day, .05 Suprefact each morning. Do that for 5 days and then go in for an ultrasound to see how we’re doing. If my calculations are right, my Beta will be scheduled around my birthday (April 5th-ish).

Wow.

Why is this Carpet Wet?

About a month ago after the mounds of snow surrounding our house started melting my father in law came upstairs (he lives in an apartment in our basement) and said that the carpet was wet downstairs. Our basement was leaking. Well, as soon as a deep freeze came back through the leaking stopped so we ignored it. Then this morning it started raining and the snow started melting and... well you guessed it... more water, more wet carpet. The problem is Serious. So, I put out a few alarm bells and my Aunt came to my rescue. She sent her contractor Leo to my house. Yay for Leo!

There's a lot that needs to be done to our house, but for now we're just going to fix the leak. He gave us a great price - which makes me very happy. And, on Tuesday he'll send his guys to fix things up.

I am breathing a sigh of relief. I feel like I can trust this guy.

Aaaaah. Now I just have to wait for the load of towels to dry so I can go back downstairs and attack that wet carpet.

CD2 BW & Ultrasound

Today was my CD2 blood work and ultrasound for a possible IVF cycle. Today was a better day than the last time I thought I was starting a cycle. I didn’t close the car door on my leg this time – that’s a huge improvement. I got there late and was called in by around 9:05 for my blood work. It took 2 people and 3 punctures to get any blood.

The first person punctured my arm - no blood, punctured my hand - no blood, had to call in a 3rd person- 3rd puncture - success! Then went in for my ultrasound - there were 3 big droplets of blood on the floor of the change room. I know it's just menstrual blood and it's to be expected, but someone get a mop and clean that shit up! Nobody wants to look at that.

So, I go into the room for my ultrasound and hop on the table. There are two Dr.’s in there – Dr. B and some other guy who introduces himself but I don’t really catch his name. He’s the lucky one who gets to do the ultrasound. It starts off great – “well, you’ve got some follicles” – then oh, but they’re kind of big… oh you have a cyst. Fuck. I had a feeling that’s the way things would turn out. I didn’t ovulate last month so of course I get a cyst to add to my troubles. Anyway, they check out both ovaries and my lining (.6 for those of you keeping track) and send me on my way. I’m to take BCP for a week and then come back and they’ll check to see if the cyst has shrunk any. Then we’ll go from there.

Now here’s the thing. I couldn’t get an answer about my FSH – if it’s still high what will we do this month – do I still go ahead with the IVF? Will it be cancelled for another month? When I asked Dr. B said something about the BCP inhibiting my FSH so does that mean it’s like an estrogen priming protocol?

I guess I just wait for the call and see what they say.

ETA - I called them - FSH 6.7, Estrogen 172 (in Canada unde 200 is good - so it's an OK number) - I can't get over how much FSH can fluctuate. Crazy.

Smile, though your heart is breaking

I can so relate to these song lyrics.

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though its breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, youll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
Youll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
Thats the time you must keep on trying
Smile, whats the use of crying?
Youll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

Thats the time you must keep on trying
Smile, whats the use of crying?
Youll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

For your listening pleasure Smile

Got AF today, blood work on Friday will tell us if we're off to IVF.

Dedicated to all of my sisters in this struggle.

My Dog Ate my Thermometer - Again.

My dog ate my thermometer again – actually for the third time now. I leave it out on my nightstand because if I put it away I know it will be out of sight out of mind. I also know that my dog (the chocolate lab) loves to chew all things plastic… so I should know better. Part of me thinks I should just take it as a sign that I shouldn’t be taking my temperature any more; the more practical side sees it as a dog doing what I know he will do.

I haven’t run out and replaced it for a couple of reasons. 1. My temp was all over the place and I was so obviously not ovulating that I don’t really care to see my temps right now. I’m just waiting for AF to show so that I can get to CD3 to have my blood work and find out if I’m going to do IVF. 2. If my next course of action is IVF, I don’t really need to temp any more so don’t really need that thermometer.

I think I’ve settled in to a state of acceptance. We’re not going to get pregnant naturally so we need a little help – we may need a hell of a lot of help, but it is what it is. I believe that we’ll be parents. It surprises me how much I believe it at times. But, that’s been one pretty constant belief I’ve had the whole time. We will have at least one healthy baby to take home with us of that I’m sure.

A Good Day

Just a quick note about the new Dr. C., I like him very much. He called me today to confirm some information about my TSH level and how the thyroid affects fertility. He then went on to talk to me about how I had follicles and that was promising. That he thinks my FSH will come down and we’ll be able to do an IVF cycle. He also said that he’s looking forward to seeing my blood work next cycle because I won’t be on any progesterone or Chinese herbs so he’ll be able to get a truer look at what’s going on with me.

He ended the conversation by saying that he feels very optimistic about me getting a chance at IVF and the ensuing outcomes. I could tell that he was holding himself back from saying that I’ll get pregnant… he’s not in the position to say that and he doesn’t want to give me false hope. But I love his enthusiasm.

It’s nice to know I’ve got someone on my side; it’s really the first time I’ve felt this way at my clinic. Don’t get me wrong, I like Dr. B. It’s just that he’s a little on the quiet side and a little tougher to get an opinion from.

Today has been a good day.

Review Appointment Wrap Up

Had my review appointment with my RE today. Well at least I thought it was supposed to be with my RE – Dr. B. When I got there promptly at 12:10 for my 12:30 appointment I was informed that I wasn’t meeting with Dr. B, I was meeting with new Dr. C. Hmph. I wasn’t too happy about that. I mean Dr. B is the guy who’s going to be doing my IVF/IUI he’s the person I want to talk to because I want to get his feeling on dealing with someone with high FSH.

Got into the appointment and ask Dr. C. what was going on. Turns out that although I’ve seen Dr. B each time I’ve been to the clinic it was just a coincidence. At my clinic no one is assigned a specific dr.; there are 3 doctors and 2 fellows that are dedicated to all of the clients… yada yada yada. The good thing was that Dr. C had read my file and was familiar with what was going on with me. I didn’t have to fill him in on everything that had gone on with me which was great.

We had a very frank discussion about my FSH, my odds of getting pregnant naturally (less than 5%), with IUI (8 to 10%) and with IVF (not much better than IUI). We discussed the vitamins that I’m taking as well as the Chinese herbs. Dr. C, while Chinese, is not a big fan of Chinese medicine; he told me not to take them anymore. I don’t know if that’s something I’m willing to do. I’ll have to give it a lot of thought.

ETA: He likened your eggs in your 20s to be white shiny glowing eggs, apparentlymy eggs now are brown and cracked with possibly some hidden gems.

I asked if my weight was a factor in my FSH – he said that it is, but only marginally. Obviously, pregnancy will be much easier at a lower weight, but my FSH will come down only slightly (maybe not even noticeably). Even if it means that I just put myself in a better place, I’m going to do it. Well, since the beginning of December I’m down 8.5lbs… just got to keep it going.

So what, I bet you’re wondering if you’re still reading, is the plan of attack. Well, I am going to go in on my next day 3 and get blood work and ultrasound done. They’ll check my FSH and resting follies and we’ll go from there. If it’s under 15 (the FSH that is) I will be on the road to my first IVF. This may be downgraded to an IUI if I don’t respond as desired.

Dr. C brought up the dreaded stress as a reason that FSH can be elevated… he stopped well short of telling me to relax (lucky for him). He also told me a story about a woman with an FSH of 40 who had been told by her clinic not to come back. She went on vacation and got pregnant. Yes, the Dr. basically told me to relax and maybe a vacation would work. I chose to ignore this line of thinking.

My husband on the other hand, gave this some thought. He decided he wants to help with my stress. He said that #1 on my list is probably our fights and the way he yells. He’s not abusive physically nor verbally, but he’s loud and expressive. I’m not. I retreat. I find it very difficult to deal with. So, he’s going to try and change that. Hallelujah! That is a big cause of my stress. He also said that when my benefits for acupuncture/naturopath run out that he’s going to help me out more. Yay!

Some really good things came out of this meeting today. The best part was when the Dr. told us that we should be positive, that we have a real chance of getting pregnant. I was so afraid that they were going to tell us to prepare for the worst.

I did get an abbreviated donor eggs talk though. But, it was when I brought up the question of what if the IUI/IVF this year works and we want to get pregnant later how long do I have from a fertility stand point. That’s when I got the donor egg talk. I still don’t know how I feel about that, but will cross that bridge if we come to it.

I know this is turning into a book, but I just want to share the sweetest offer H. made today. After we left the Dr.’s office H. asked me if I wanted him to freeze his sperm. I said I didn’t think it was necessary- there’s no reason to think that his sperm is going to deteriorate. Well, he then went on to say that if he froze his sperm and something happened to him, then I could still have a baby. His baby. I thought that was incredibly sweet.

Review Appointment

I called my clinic and set up an appointment to review my case with the Dr. I want to ask a ton of questions about what's going on with me, what our odds of success are, what the best protocol would be etc etc. I'm going to be bringing a lot of kleenex with me as I'm sure it's going to be an emotional meeting.

I kind of just want to bury my head in the sand, but I know that knowledge is power. So, I'm going to tough it out. High FSH is a real kick in the head because there's really nothing you can do for it. I'm doing acupuncture and thought that was really helping. It makes me feel better and helps me with my stress so it may not be helping the FSH, but it is helping me.

My naturopath suggested that I change doctors. There's one Dr. H that everyone raves about and she has nothing but good things to say about him. I think that I'll have a listen to what Dr. B has to say and make a judgement from there.

I also think that if IVF is the way we have to go and that we're going to spend all of that money, then I want to look at all of our options including possibly going to one of the clinics in the States that specialize in high FSH (e.g., Coopers).

I find this article worrisome. It talks about fertility clinic's lack of concern about the potential baby's potential future. Or, in other words, the "fitness" of the infertile requesting treatment as a parent.

Any person with the ability to procreate can do so without any license, courses or background checks. But, should you require assistance in getting pg, then what? Is it ok to have background checks like those necessary to adopt? Should fertility clinics be able to turn aside potential parents because of their background, financial status or emotional state?

I can understand why the question is being asked (a woman with 6 children already, no job, no means of support, has 8 more via ivf), but I fear giving this much power to the doctors. There is already such a "god-complex" amongst this group that I am cautious about giving even more power to them.

On another note, how did that women afford to have IVF 7 times? She's also got a university degree and is doing her masters... where is she getting this money? And, how do I get on that gravy train?

So That Wasn’t Good News

I went to the clinic yesterday for Day 3 blood work and ultrasound. Had a few small follies – think the largest was .6 and as I found out this morning an FSH of 20. That’ right 20. So, I’m basically fucked. The IUI for this month is cancelled. H. and I are considering moving straight to IVF. We do not have any coverage for this and aren’t sure how we’re going to come up with the money, but if it increases our chances of getting pg then that’s what we’re going to do.

H. doesn’t understand why I’m so sad. He doesn’t understand that I’m mourning the chance to get pregnant naturally, spontaneously – to do what millions of women do every day. I know there is still a good chance of getting pregnant via IVF; I’m still disappointed that we can’t do it ourselves. My body has betrayed me. I feel like a failure. H. thinks that I should be happy because we have options. I am thankful that there are options, but I am not happy that I have to use them.

I think I’ll take me and my old eggs out for a few drinks. I’ve been “good” lately. Not overdoing things, not drinking – just to make things optimal. Optimal – shmoptimal. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what I do.

The scary thing is that we can’t really afford IVF – what if it doesn’t work. What then?

Feeling Blue

I’m such a loser. I get my hopes up every time and every time I am disappointed. Due to the recent chemical pregnancies (that I now believe can’t possibly have happened because my body just doesn’t get pregnant – chemically or otherwise) at the recommendation of my naturopath I took progesterone supplements during my luteal phase. Well of course, this month my body decided to act all whacky. I had a huge temp drop on CD11 (my usual ovulation time) but then I didn’t have the rise that usually follows. I eventually did O on CD16. The amount of sex that we had was insane and not that great quality towards the end as I’m sure you can understand.

I’ve been on the progesterone, but my temp dropped yesterday and went back up today. But, today was 14DPO – test day. I hate taking the tests because I know I’m just going to be disappointed. So, last night after FIL’s girlfriend’s funeral we stopped at a Shop.pers Drug.mart so I could buy a test. To add insult to injury, the tests were behind the pharmacy counter and I had to ask a pharmacist to get me the test. WTF?! I have never seen HPTs kept behind the pharmacy counter. I decided to go with the FRER digital because I had never used that type so it remained untainted in my brain.

Got up this morning with FMU – peed and after 3 minutes it said –NO. There were no tears, no moaning about it just not being fair. Just a small sigh, and the onset of a blue mood. Of course I’m not fucking pregnant.

Tonight I stop the progesterone and tomorrow or Sunday I’ll get my period, call in Day 1 to the clinic and we’ll move down the road to IUI#2. Can’t wait to become a pin cushion again.

I wanted to post about this all week and let it out… but I feared that I would jinx myself. Ha. What’s there to jinx? The outcome actually has to have a possibility of coming true in order to be jinxed.

I already feel like the IUI is not going to work. I hate being this negative, but I just feel like it’s never going to happen. I look at H and think he’s never going to be a father and it’s my fault. My stupid fucking body decided it was old before it’s time. I have no idea why this happened… the doctors have no idea why this happened. I just feel like I have missed my chance.

Well That Sucked

Not a fan of Bri.de W.ars, really really did not like that movie. It had its moments, and the potential was there for it to be a good movie, but it really fell short of that.

We went to that 50's inspired diner - loved the atmosphere, but it was a total rip off. Almost $8 for a burger... you read that correctly. You don't get any sides with it. We ordered onion rings and they were considered an appetizer. So, you get the onion rings, eat them and then 15 minutes later you get your burger. $11 bucks total for a crappy burger and so-so onion rings.

The high point of the evening was getting to spend some time with the girls. It's always great to see them.

I think one of the main reasons I didn't like this movie was that I wasn't their target audience. I wasn't one of those little girls that dreamed about her wedding day and had it all planned out, just waiting to insert the man of my dreams into my plans.

SPOILER ALERT:

As a fertility challenged woman, I really didn't appreciate the ending - where they're both spontaneaously pregnant and due on the same day. Barf!

Movie Talk

I haven’t been posting a lot here because I don’t really have a lot to say. One day is pretty much the same as the next as far as IF stuff goes. We’re (I’m) readying ourselves for another IUI with inject. but there’s still a while before that happens. I was talking with my naturopath today and she was saying that my cycles today are completely different than a year ago when I started seeing her. I hope that means good things will happen this year.

On a completely different note, we saw The Wre.stler on Friday night. I’m still not sure exactly how I felt about it. I did like the movie and Mickey Ro.urke is great in it as is Mar.isa To.mei (although I didn’t quite expect all of the nudity). It’s pretty depressing. I was a big wrestling fan back in the 80’s and he has the mannerisms down to a ‘t’. There were a couple parts that H. and I thought were funny, but we were the only ones in the theatre laughing. That reminds me… when we go to the theatre it was packed! There were people everywhere and announcements were made over the P.A. that some move was sold out or it was front row seating only. I thought, “Crap! We’re not going to get in or we’re going to have to be all jammed in”. Then I listened more closely to the announcement – that Mall Cop movie was the one that sold out. There were about 50 people in our 300 seat theatre watching our movie. What does that say about our society?! Mall Cop – really?!?

All this movie talk reminds me that tonight I’m going out with the girls to a 50’s inspired diner for dinner followed by a movie. We’re going to see Brid.e War.s . I’m not really keen on the idea – it looks like a rental at best, but I’m not going to be the one who complains so brid.e war.s it is. I’ll let you know how it is.

Nominate a hero

I saw a Nominate your hero link on a news website today and I got to thinking about who I would nominate as my hero. I think it would have to be my Mom. Not because she did anything out of the ordinary, but because what she did was so steadfast and ordinary. She’s just always been there for me. For support and love and guidance and a few stern words when necessary. She worked full time out of the home and full-time in the home. We never had packaged foods – all of our meals were made from scratch even after working a full day in the office. We never had white bread or margarine. I don’t think I had a slice of Won.der bread until I was in my 20’s. She showed me what it means to be an independent woman after being brought up in a low-income home that held some violence. She told me once that when she and my Dad got together that she said “If you ever hit me, you better hit me hard and make it count because you’ll never get the chance again.” She was 23 when she had me and I was a surprise. She never made me feel unwanted or regretted the choices that she made, but she always let me know that there are choices for me. When I’m in the kitchen cooking, I notice how I hold the spoon the same way or dice vegetables just like she did. I put my makeup on the same way I saw here putting on hers. I notice how we have the same hands, and we have the same expressions. Everyone seems to worry about growing up to be like their mother. Of course there are some things that I don’t want to continue, but for the most part if I grow into being like her (even more) I am pretty ok with that.

I Just Can't Help Myself

I post on a message board pretty regularly and have recently discovered that I know one of the women in “real” life. She’s talking about TTC and she’s on her first month of actually trying. I find that I am totally addicted to reading her posts to find out where she is in her cycle, what’s happening etc. She is much younger than me; I’m talking 10 to 12 years younger. So of course she’s going to get pregnant right away. It’s kind of like watching a car wreck. I just can’t stop myself from looking.

To add to this, my cycle’s all weird. It looked like my body geared up to O on CD12. I had tons of EWCM, a big drop in temperature, and then a temp rise of .3 degrees – so I’m thinking here we go. Well, I still have some EWCM, my cervix is still high, soft and open, and my temps have flat lined. No crosshairs on FF – looks like my body is still trying to O on CD 15. I have those handy-dandy progesterone suppositories just sitting there taunting me, waiting for me to O. I have no idea what’s going on with my body. Another little mindfuck from the fertility gods.

My Rainbow

I got this idea from Get Pregnant.

My rainbow is kind of fugly, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised because yellow is one of my favourite colours. I bet that on a different day in a different mood it would be very different.

Your rainbow is shaded yellow.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What is says about you: You are a joyful person. You appreciate optimism. You're good at getting people to like you.

Find the colors of your rainbow at spacefem.com.

Putting Your Foot in It

I think putting your foot in it is a natural part of life. There are those gaffs that we make that the minute they’re out of your mouth you’d like to take back. Today one such thing happened to me… prior to a meeting at work a group of us were sitting around talking. A friend mentioned he had watched Tro.pic Thund.er on the weekend. I loved this movie – very funny and not very p.c. in places. Well, I say to the guy “what did you think of the full retard bit” (like I said the movie is NOT pc). Just as I said it I remembered that his sister has down’s syndrome. Of course, he said that he didn’t like it and I felt like I should crawl into a hole. Open mouth insert foot.

I was sort of on the receiving end of this on the weekend. I was getting my hair done and my hairdresser and I were shooting the shit. We start talking about friends that are pregnant etc. Then she mentions that one of the other hairdresser’s sister in law is infertile and how she’s done the full gamut of things and still hasn’t gotten pregnant. And all she really needs to do is… wait for it…. Relax. Because if she’d just relax there would be such a better chance for her to get pregnant. And, she’d be so much less touchy about the whole subject.

Well off I went. I identified myself as an infertile. Then proceeded to tell my hairdresser to never ever say that to her because it’s the worst thing an infertile can be told. Then I went on a diatribe about how being told to relax implies that your fertility is something that you can control and the next thing that’s almost as bad is being told to go on a vacation. Then on to how women are always blamed as being the reason a couple can’t get pregnant and the invasive treatments. And, how it should really start with the man ‘cause if he’s shooting blanks there’s not going to be any point sending them away with a prescription of clo.mid. And on, and on. Then finally I caught myself, I think I stopped mid-sentence and said “Sorry – I just know way too much about this stuff” and changed the subject. The poor girl didn’t know what had hit her.

Guess I was due some of my own today.

I got "that" call

I got the phone call that I’ve been dreading and expecting and looking forward to last night. It was my friend L. calling to tell me that she and her husband are expecting. The baby is due July 7/09. She wanted me to be the first of the group to know because all the girls are getting together tonight and she’s announcing it and she didn’t want me to be blindsided. Very thoughtful. Of course, I said all of the right things and expressed my excitement for her (not very well, I don’t think, but I tried). After I got off the phone, I called H. and cried. He told me it’s ok to cry and that it will be all the more special when we do get pregnant. I love him.

Today, I have absorbed the information. I am truly happy for her and her hubby. She’s had a really tough year. Her mother died suddenly of undiagnosed lung cancer a year to the day prior to when she found out she was pregnant. There’s a certain symmetry to that.

Of course, me being me, I did the math and realized that she got pregnant the same month that I had my first chemical. I would have been due July 20th. We would have been pregnant together. Another dagger in the heart.

But, I’m looking to the future, not looking back.

ETA: Thank-you to those of you who have left comments, for your support. It really does mean the world to me!

Guilt

I went in for my acupuncture appointment today; she took one look at my chart and said “So you were pregnant”. She also said that I need progesterone support. She said this after the first chemical and I did not listen to her. Fuck.

So, as soon as I got back to my office I made a call to my fertility clinic explaining that I’ve had 2 chemicals in 3 cycles and that I believe I need progesterone support. The nurse said that she’d talk to the dr. and if he agrees that I can get it at their office.

“If he agrees”… he better agree or they’re going to have one seriously pissed patient on their hands. I don’t know if this is true everywhere, but in Ontario progesterone is only available via a prescription.

Do I need to detail the guilt that I’m feeling? Potentially, if I had made that call prior to my last cycle I could still be pregnant right now.

I know there are many reasons that chemicals can happen – it could be my eggs, it could be a problem with the embryo etc. So, I’m just going to try to move on from here. Do what I need to do to take care of myself and not look back.

On a side note, I lost half a pound over Christmas. I wasn’t particularly careful, but didn’t go crazy either. I started Wei.ght Wa.tchers yesterday, and so far so good. It’s always so easy to jump in when it’s the beginning; I know that down the road I may need a little support.

Resolutions

I’m slowly moving past the last failed cycle. I keep thinking – was it actually a chemical or is my mind so powerful, the constant wishing for success, that I was able to delay my period. Who knows? If my mind is that powerful, wouldn’t I be pregnant by now?! For whatever reason, it just wasn’t meant to be at this time. So, we keep moving and trying, and get ready for IUI#2 – I’m on cycle 29 and it will take place cycle 30. I’m sure we’ll do the pure.gon again. I don’t see why they’d change my protocol.

Ah, but to the title of my post – Resolutions. I don’t usually have resolutions because I very rarely stick to them. So this year I’ve set out goals for the year rather than specific resolutions. They are, in no particular order:

1. Lose 60lbs by the end of 2009.
2. Finish my university degree.
3. Have a healthy baby (or at least be pregnant so that we’ll end up with a healthy baby in 2010).
4. Pay off a couple of my credit cards.

All of these things, except the baby, are within my control.

I have more than 60lbs to lose, but I felt like that’s a pretty good goal. If I lose 10lbs every two months I’ll be there. It seems really doable to me. I’m going to work out a minimum of 4 times a week and I’m going to watch what I eat. I am considering doing Weig.ht W.atchers because I’ve been successful with it in the past. Whatever I choose it has to be something that I’m going to stick with.

I dropped out of university after my 2nd year and went back a couple of years ago. I’m completing a BofEd in Adult Education. I have 3 more courses to complete it. I know I can do it!!

As to the paying off of the credit cards, both DH and I have rather elaborate spreadsheets that detail our budget (he keeps our joint budget). I have set out a great plan to pay off 2 credit cards this year and by the middle of 2010, if all goes as planned, I should have all of my debt paid off. I feel like a burden has been lifted already with just having the plan in place.

Now I get to the baby. I figure that working towards losing 60lbs will put me in a better situation physically to get pregnant. H. & I will do what we have to do to make this a reality for us. I’ll shoot myself with whatever I need to shoot myself with to give us the best odds. I’m just going to try and think positively. There’s not a lot more that we can do.

It's Over

I'm talking about 2008 and cycle #28. Looks like another chemical. I'll never know for sure because of my aversion for poas, but in my heart I know. This is the thing I had going on. The thing I couldn't bring myself to talk about.

Happy New Year. Hopefully 2009 will be a much better year.

19 DPO

So today is 19DPO – 19 fucking days. And, of course, my temp dropped – below cover line. The end is near. I’m devastated, but trying not to be. Of course, hope is whispering in my ear that I’m not out yet. That, the temp could bounce back tomorrow. I made a mistake last night. I said to H. something about New Years and not wanting to go out because I can’t drink. He asked me why and said, in a really snotty voice, “Because I’m pregnant.” Then, I backtracked and said that I could be pregnant.

I was so hopeful. And, now it’s just so depressing. I keep having this thought in my head, “Start the year as you will continue”. A growing part of me thought I’d be starting the year pregnant. Now, I know I won’t. I don’t want to start the year as I will continue this way – infertile and broken. I actually thought today “Can there really be a God.” How can s/he let this happen to people? Why can’t s/he hear my prayer? What have I done to deserve this?

I do not go to church but I do believe in a higher power. I do believe that there is someone watching out for us. I just don’t understand why I (we, all of us infertile women) am chosen to go through this.

H. wants to go out tonight for New Years because it’s boring to stay home and we always do that… blah blah blah. I don’t want to be around people, I want to howl, scream, punch, yell and sleep. Only in sleep can I really get away from this. Can I just sleep away new years? Sleep away the pain of the last 2 years. It’s officially 2 years of really trying. 2 years of being a member on fertility friend. Because my cycles are so short it’s 28 failed cycles.

There are many good things in my life, but today, I only see what I’m lacking. There’s a part of me that thinks maybe it’s time to take a break. But, I’m 37, 38 in April. I’m getting too old to have children – not for myself but for them. Who wants to be 12 years old and have a 55 year old mom? It needs to happen now/soon. I’m officially just blathering on now. Sorry for the moaning.

Edited to Add: as of 12:25pm we have creamy brown spotting.

Could it be?

This is a log I am keeping for myself, so that I can get all of this wondering out of my head and not jinx myself by sharing it with the world.

I think I’m pregnant. Just typing that scares the hell out of me… ‘cause I don’t want to be wrong.

I’m 18DPO I had spotting on 15DPO. I never spot. I’m worried. My temperature is coming down. I think that this is a chemical pregnancy and I’m terrified to POAS. I don’t want to see a negative, and I don’t want to see a light line. I have no one I can talk to about this. H. just doesn’t get it. He thinks we should just wait and see. He’s not excited or disappointed or worried or anything – he’s just so matter of fact about things and doesn’t see what I’m getting all worked up about.

There’s a part of me that I am desperately trying to control… the one whispering “this could be it”; the one that wants to go crazy with happiness to scream and cheer and jump up and down. I can’t let go of my control because if this is not a pregnancy or it is and it goes south…how will I be able to take it.

These are my symptoms – kind of sore boobs, missed period, shooting cramps in my thighs (mainly left thigh), acute sense of smell (but this is kind of true all of the time), cramps in my lower ab – particularly left side so of course I’m thinking if this is it, then it’s an ectopic. And, after writing that I think well, are they symptoms or am I just reading things into this.

Or, is my body just all fucked up again. I want answers but I’m too chicken shit to try to get them.

So where does that leave me/us. Waiting. Waiting to see if af shows up. Waiting to see if it doesn’t. In the meantime, I’ll try to gather my courage to go and get the answers that I need.

Time to Relax

Sorry it's been so long since my last post. The holidays were crazy busy and I'm just getting back my equillibrium now. I'm dealing with something right now that I want to post about but can't. Over the next couple of days it should play itself out and then I'll be able to talk about it. Right now there are too many things running around my head for me to deal with it.

Christmas was a crazy hectic day, but i was completely spoiled. Loved it!

Merry Christmas!!!!

I'm not religious, in fact I'm agnostic (I believe in a higher power, I just don't have to go to a special building to express it) to me Christmas means love, family, joy, dreams coming true so when I wish you a Merry Christmas - I'm really just wishing you all of those things.

Merry Christmas to all of my friends visiting my little corner of the webosphere. This time of year is not particularly easy nor stress free, but I think we can all muddle through the best we can. No guilt. I'm declaring a guilt free Christmas.

It is ok to feel what we're feeling - normal even. So that doesn't leave room for guilt.

I raise my glass of Christmas cheer (homemade eggnog and spiced rum if you must know) and send this Christmas wish to you:

May the dreams you hold in you heart, be held in your arms next year.

Mini-rant

I'm tired of the two sides to ab_ortion rights referred to as pro ab_ortion vs. pro life.

I am pro CHOICE not pro ab_ortion. The other side is ANTI - CHOICE.

I believe that women should have the right to make a choice for themselves. The government should keep its hands off of my body. You have the right to disagree, but not the right to tell me what I can or cannot do.

For the record, I think that everything should be done to educate women and help them avoid having to ever make this kind of decision. However, if it comes down to it there should be a choice.

Judge not, lest ye be judged.

A Meme - 2008 in Review

Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn’t do a resolution this year. I will make one or more for next year, but I have to put some thought into it so I can make sure that they are achievable.

Did anyone close to you give birth?
IRL – No, several of my web friends did.

Did anyone close to you die?
Touch wood – no.

What countries did you visit?
US – we went to Florida in March. And Green Bay in January for the NFC Championship game.

What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
A baby.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
This is a tough one. Learning to run 10 and 1s.

What was your biggest failure?
IUI – August 2008

What was the best thing you bought?
Our new car – HHR.

Whose behavior merited celebration?
I don’t really have a response for this.

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Nor this one.

Where did most of your money go?
Food, debt and shelter

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Going to Lambeau Field for the NFC Championships, watching Brett Favre & the Green Bay Packers lose to the NY Giants in the 3rd coldest game in history. Experience of a lifetime.

What song will always remind you of 2008?
4 Minutes – Madonna (feat. J.T.)

Compared to this time last year, are you:
Happier or sadder?
Happier

Thinner or fatter?
fatter

Richer or poorer?
Richer

What do you wish you’d done more of?

Spending time with my friends laughing and going to movies with my husband.

What do you wish you’d done less of?
Worrying about my fertility

How will you be spending Christmas?
Surrounded by family and loved ones.

Did you fall in love in 2008?
No, but I continued to be in love.

How many one-night stands?
None – I’m a married lady now.

What was your favorite TV program?
Gray’s Anatomy – it used to be Gilmore Girls, but they took it off the air.

Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Nope.

What was the best book you read?
Glass Castle was a good one, as was The Secret Life of Bees, oh, Such a Pretty Fat was also very good. And the Slow Fat Triathlete. Do I have to pick just one?

What was your greatest musical discovery?
Hmmm this is a tough one. Oh – that the Sunday Night Football song sung by Faith Hill is a rip off of “I Hate Myself for Loving You” by Joan Jett. Which as I have later found out was done on purpose.

What did you want and get?
I wanted a new HHR and got it.

What did you want and not get?
A baby.

What were your favorite films of this year?
Sex and the City was good, I don’t really have a standout.

What did you do on your birthday?
Had a nice dinner with my husband.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Whatever fits.

What kept you sane?
My Steel Magnolias, my fellow IF bloggers, my husband, my dogs, my friends.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Jason Statham or Vince Vaughn

What political issue stirred you the most?
Earlier this year the Canadian government tried to put back-door controls on freedom of speech. That pissed me off.

The fact that Stephen Harper – the pseudo-dictator called an election to get re-elected in yet another minority government. A huge waste of money for no change.
Obama.

The Big 3 Bail-out. It has to happen; there are too many people that are directly and indirectly affected if these automakers are to go under. You can give $700 billion to a bunch of crooked assholes that pissed away people’s money, but $15 billion to actually protect your GDP, inflation rate, unemployment rate and people’s lives is too much to ask?!!!

Who did you miss?
I missed my Grandpa D. I missed my uncle Earl. I missed my Grannie.

Who was the best new person you met?
Lost in Space. All of the Steel Magnolias.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
To love and accept myself.
I have also taken that serenity prayer to heart – to change the things that I can, accept the things that I cannot and the wisdom to know the difference.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find.. you get what you need.

Fragile

Mr. Parker: Fra-gee-lay. That must be Italian.
Mrs. Parker: Uh, I think that says FRAGILE, dear. (A XMAS Story)

I’ve been feeling a little fragile lately, like I’m just going to breakdown crying at any given moment. I don’t know when I turned into such a suck, but there you have it. We cut down our Christmas tree on Sunday; we couldn’t find a tree exactly to my wishes and when we had to settle for a short fat tree instead of a tall, full tree I almost cried. I pouted all the way back to the car.

Yesterday the hubby and I played hookey, it was nice. We were watching tv and an old comedian from my childhood was being interviewed. I almost started crying because seeing him reminded me of what a great childhood that I’d had. All the things I’d done with my parents. Things I wanted to do with my kids. Kids that I don’t have…

Every road seems to lead back to my inability to get pregnant.

I need to shake off this feeling. I need to realize that there are so many things in my life that are good… my husband, my puppies, my family, my fil, my friends, my job and co-workers, our home. Having a baby will enhance the picture. It’s not the whole; it’s simply a part of the picture.

I’m starting to thing about my New Years Resolutions. Usually, I’m not big on them and I rarely stick to them, but this year I may actually do it.

WTF?

Well, my temps are all weird and it looks like I o’d on CD5. Yep CD5. Fucking great. I know I’m all messed up again. This just sucks. Last year I told my husband that I was going to do that Secret thing and focus on my goal. I wrote a story, I thought about it every day… me glowing, laughing and pregnant standing next to our Christmas tree in 2008. If I really ovulated already that means our last chance to be pregnant for Christmas 2008 is gone. Who am I kidding – was there ever even a chance? Oh sure, my RE gave us a 10% chance of getting pg on our own. But, really if it was going to happen that way wouldn’t it have already?!

I guess I’m looking for my own little Christmas miracle.

I’m going to my naturopath today to have a little acupuncture. I can’t wait for 2009 so that I can get it covered again. I used up my $500 naturopath and $500 acupuncture coverage already for 2008.

On a completely different note it was my father in laws 75th birthday yesterday. He was born in Queens_land, Austra_lia in a little town called Ayr*e. We took him to see the movie named for his homeland last night. He grew up in the era of the movie and it was a walk down memory lane for him. I found it to be a pretty good movie – beautifully shot – but long – 2hrs 45minutes movie. It’s worth it to see it in the theatre because of the cinematography.

100th Post

Perhaps there should be balloons and confetti falling from the ceiling in honour of this, my 100th post. But, I’d be lying if I said my heart was in it. I am on CD2 of Cycle #28. Fucking #28. I have on average a 25 day cycle, for all intents and purposes I ovulate every month, H.’s spermies are just shiny except for that little retrograde ejaculation problem. The Sud.afed is supposed to take care of that. I do have that pesky elevated FSH 12 being my highest, 7.2 being the last CD3 result. We have about a 10% chance of getting pregnant without intervention. I think my eggs are fucked. What other reason can there be? We have had PERFECTLY timed intercourse, then I have my perfect temp shift, eggwhites etc. Then I get a red parade into my next cycle. It has to be my eggs.

We have done one unsuccessful IUI with injections. We will do another in January – well hopefully that one will be successful. So, I feel like such a lame ass for even complaining. I know women who have been through so much more than I have; miscarriages and repeated failed IVFs, even losing the baby at almost full term. (God how heart breaking that would be) So, I know that my 28 cycles, with one failed IUI is not much to complain about. I just find it all so unfair. I want to scream my lungs out, rage against the unfairness of it all. I want to sit in a dark room and cry and stare until I can’t feel anymore. Instead I’ll go about my day, smiling, joking, working… moving forward while that small ember of hope builds back up into a flame.

Off Topic

There’s a woman who posts on a message board that I go on that for some unknown reason (well unknown reason to me, obviously it’s known to her) will just not reply to anything I post. I will write posts directly to her – asking questions or providing advice and every one goes ignored. At first I thought I was jumping to conclusions – which are easy to do on a message board. But, I have been doing my only little test to see if what I think is happening is actually happening. It is. I’m really not sure what I’ve done to piss her off, but somehow something that I’ve written must have rubbed her the wrong way.

I kind of care and then again I really could care less. I guess I care because I want to be liked by people. I generally try to be a nice person and be genuinely interested in those around me. So, it’s not often that I run into someone that really dislikes me (that I’m aware of).

I just realized something. (Is this what they call an Aha moment?) This person knows someone that knew me (or of me) a long time ago in real life. Perhaps that has played a role in this.

Whatever. I am not sure why I even felt that this was post worthy. It was irking me so I guess I just needed to get it out.

/whine

A Trip to the Store

H. and I were out shopping at our local discount store over the weekend, checking out the discounts on Christmas cards, paper etc. The store is famous for the “white trashiness” of its clientele. Armed security guards etc, etc. This family walked past us in one of the aisles – the parents had to be in their early 20s, they had 4 very cute kids but it was really obvious that they didn’t have any money. The parents were swearing at each other and their kids. My heart broke for those little ones. As they passed by us, H. looked at me and said, “It’s so unfair – how come they can have 4 kids and we can’t even have one”

I just shrugged. There is no easy answer as to why some people can get pregnant so easily while others can’t. We don’t deserve children any more than anyone else, but I’m pretty sure we don’t deserve them any less either. Infertility is so frustrating. It can get into all aspects of your life. Even a silly trip to the store for frivolous things can be turned sour.

We both moved on and got back into the holiday spirit. But, the thought lingers with me… why not us?

Turducken

Have you tried this magical dish? Every year, our group of friends gets together on American Thanksgiving and goes to a local restaurant that serves up Turducken as a salute to our American neighbours to the south. You Americans are ingenious (and maybe a little crazy J); to think of stuffing a chicken into a duck into a turkey and also taking the time to create 3 different stuffings to go along with it. Madness I tell you – magical, yummilicious, madness.

For those of you not familiar with this dish, here’s a blurb from the restaurant’s website that explains it a little better:

"Turducken - the American Thanksgiving Treat! A chicken stuffed into a Duck stuffed into a Turkey. Your Turducken comes with three delicious stuffings: Cornbread, andouille sausage & oyster. Enjoy yam gravy made with Bourbon and Grand Marnier , cranberry citrus compote. Served with brussel sprout gratin and our famous roasted garlic mashed potatoes.
What is Turducken? Turkey, Duck and Chicken all rolled into one with three delicious and spicy stuffings. If you a had a few days off and more than 25 people to feed, you could make this 10 page long recipe with 12 hours of prep time and 13 hours of cooking time at home. Why not save yourself the trouble and let us do it for you! "

Essentially, each bird is de-boned and laid flat. Turkey on the bottom then a layer of cornbread stuffing, the duck is laid on top, then a layer of andouille sausage stuffing, then the chicken is laid on top and a layer of oyster stuffing. It’s rolled up and cooked and then it’s sliced and served.

This year’s offering was the best yet! For dessert there was a choice of pecan pie, vanilla bean ice cream, & bourbon bread pudding.

All that to say that while you were celebrating, some Canadian friends were as well.

Happy Gobble Gobble (to my American friends...)

In honour of American Thanksgiving, I have come up with a few things that I am thankful for:

1. My Health
2. My Husband
3. My Family
4. My Dogs
5. My Friends
6. My Friends in the 'net
(not necessarily in that order)

I'm so happy that American Thanksgiving is here because it means that Christmas is right around the corner and then I get to decorate!!!!

I LOVE Christmas. In fact, I'm going to see if I have any Christmas CDs at work and listen to that right now...

Happy Gobble Gobble! As my Uncle Earl used to say, if you get too full, just have a small bowl of vanilla ice cream to cleanse the pallette then you'll be ready for more.

Oh and Go Cowboys Go!

Wistful

Every day as we drive back and forth to/from work we pass these wonderful children’s boutiques. There are beautiful clothes, pint-sized running shoes, children-only hair salons and children’s bookstores. I look at them so wistfully as we drive by. All I can think as we pass each one is ‘When is it going to be my chance’ or, on better days, ‘I can’t wait to shop there’. Invariably, I get a little quiet and just a little sad. Then H. will ask me a question or start a conversation without noticing my little bout of “poor me” and I am pulled back into the moment.

Infertility is kind of like grief – it sneaks up on you when you least expect. My Grandpa died 10 years ago, to this day if I hear particular old 40’s songs or smell his aftershave I will cry. So, when I see new neat little children’s stores or I run into an old friend who’s now pregnant with her 2nd even though I hadn’t heard about her first, it’s like I’ve heard that old song or smelled that special scent. I get wistful.

Hmm, that’s definitely the right word for it; it means full of longing or unfulfilled desire.

I think we can all relate to that.

Recap

What a weekend. Feels like a whirlwind, we got a lot done, but I wouldn’t call it a good weekend. The one really good thing we did was buy a car on Saturday. Our lease was up on our old one (well it’s up next month) so we impulsively bought an HHR on Saturday. It’s black with ebony interior. Just the basic model, but I love it. We pick it up next Saturday.

On Saturday night we were supposed to go to a friend’s place for a party. Well, I went up to our bedroom to get ready and then had a huge meltdown. I hated everything I owned. I felt like a fat pig in everything. It was so bad that I just decided not to go. Then of course I was mad at myself for acting so irrationally. It really brought down the rest of the weekend. Sigh.

I am on CD16 today. No idea when I ovulated, I know I did because my temp is up (I’ve been temp’ing sporadically). So I have no idea if our DTD was well-timed or not. Now I’m kicking myself ‘cause I’m such a control freak I like to see what day I’m on and know exactly when my body fails me.

We are for sure, 100%, definitely doing the IUI in January. I have one more month needle free and then -boom- back at it. I am not getting any younger and I don’t want to be a really old Mom so it needs to happen soon.

Nowhereville - Population 2

I’ve completely given up temp’ing this month and taking my vitamins. I kind of feel blah – you know, what’s the point. We’re still DTD and trying, but I feel kind of like we should just throw in the towel. I know we have only had the one IUI and haven’t done anything else. But it all feels so pointless. I guess you can tell that I’m not feeling a lot of hope right now. Oh, it’s still there at the back of my mind, but it’s not nearly as strong a feeling as it used to be. Doubt has even crept in. Do we really want kids? Are we ready for how it will change our lives? I have already dealt with all of this stuff. And, the answer is yes on both accounts, but I don’t know. I guess I really didn’t expect it to be this hard.

I thought it might take a while, I thought we might have to go to a FC, but I really thought we’d be pregnant by now. So, now that we are where we are in this process (essentially nowhere) how do we keep going?

We're still going ahead with the next IUI in January. I guess I just have to stay focussed on that.

Feeling blah

I went to my naturopath/acupuncturist today. I was not in a great mood… just read that the pregnant man is pregnant again. It makes me feel like such a defect – a so-called man can get pregnant it seems at will and I can’t. Just pisses me off. I say ‘so-called’ because men don’t have the reproductive organs to get pg, so you can’t really call yourself a man if you’re using your body to perform female functions. Of course this is just my opinion- to each their own.

Anyway as per usual, I brought my chart from the previous cycle with me. It’s truly a beautiful chart – triphasic and everything. I talked to Dr. W about how I had been feeling, symptoms, cramps, temps etc. She basically confirmed what I had already been thinking – last month was a chemical pregnancy. The kicker was that the chart was triphasic which is not normal for me.

I was feeling a little crazy thinking it was a chemical and being sad because I hadn’t tested. I didn’t have concrete proof that it had really occurred. But, I trust my body and Dr. W trusts my body and what it was showing. So, I’m going to say it. I was pregnant and now I’m not.

My heart aches a little at writing that. I told my husband and two friends about this. You know what they all said… “you have to take the positive away from this… you know you can get pregnant – that’s half the battle” You know what I wanted to say back to all 3 of them “fuck you.” But I value my husband and my friends so I just nodded and absorbed the blows.

So, I move on. Hopefully next time I will get pg and stay pg until the time has come to hold a healthy baby.

Nope

BFN. My LP was 14 beautiful days, I had a lovely 27 day cycle. Almost text book for an ovulatory cycle. Our DTD timing was impeccable. I had a dream last Thursday night that I received a card in the mail that said "We were so sorry to hear about your first miscarriage." So, who knows, maybe subconsciously I knew it was a chemical. I don't say that lightly. I know my body, I was so sure that this was it. I was crampy, tender boobs, moody - things I am not normally during my LP. Until Saturday morning - my temp was down - but, I just didn't feel it anymore. Got AF on Sunday morning at 6:30 - full flow - extremely heavy. Went through a Super tampon in 3 hours.

Anyway, it made me want to start the IUI process right away. But we're not going to... our plan is to try on our own two more cycles, save money and try to get a little healthier. Then we'll do the IUI. H is working again so we can actually save money and pay off some of our debts. Thank God.

I felt so close this time. Oh and my co-worker's wife had their baby boy at midnight Saturday night. He's their first child. I'm incredibly happy for them, but there's a small piece of me that is so sad and broken.

BTW - Thank-you for your well wishes. I truly appreciated them.

Quick Update

First - thank-you America for making the right choice (in my humble opinion!) Barack Obama will make a phenomenal president.

Now to me... I'm on 12DPO, my temp has been high and dropped today (it was really low when I woke up at around 4:45am, went back to sleep and temp'd again at 6:30 - it was a little higher then). My average LP is 12 days. My boobs are sore and have had some lower back pain, but that's it. My boobs are sore every LP so that's an indication of exactly nothing. My temps have been higher than usual (until today) so hope was creeping in. FF has me testing on Saturday. I have only ever made it to test day once - the cycle I did my IUI and I was on progesterone suppositories. All that to say that I'm waiting for other shoe to drop which I'm sure will happen later today or tomorrow morning when AF rushes in. I didn't want to post anything about this because I thought I'd jinx myself. Then I realized that a. I'm driving myself crazy from thinking so much about this and b. it is what it is - either I am or I am not and posting about it on a blog is not going to change that fact.

Anyway I'm driving myself crazy with the "am I's" or "aren't I's" and I refuse to do an HPT because I hate those things! I may do one if I make it to Saturday, but it's more likely that if I can make it through the weekend I'll get blood work done. My spidey senses tell me I'll need a tampon more than an HPT.

A Meme

I had a meme about the top 100 songs the year I graduated up here, but I took it down because people doing searches for the names of the artists were landing here. I just feel weird about that. shrug.

This is my first one:

The Rules: A.) Go to Music Outfitters. B.) Enter the year you graduated from high school in the search function and get the list of 100 most popular songs of that year. C.) Bold the songs you like, strike through the ones you REALLY hate. I don't know how to do the strike through options so I'm going Green for Good, Red for Bad.

Thanks to Inconceivable for the idea!

The Year was... 1990...

My new hobby

On Saturday morning I took a knitting class – the Virgin Knitter’s class to be exact. It was a 2 hour class for people who have no or very little knitting experience. When I was about 12 years old my Grandma tried to teach me to knit, but I just didn’t have the patience for it. In that class on Saturday morning, it all came rushing back. We were taught how to cast on, how to knit, how to pearl (is it spelled that way?), how to change balls of wool when you run out. There were 5 women in the class, 4 of us were pretty quick learners. One poor soul was completely confused. She spent a lot of time just mastering the knitting, not worrying about the “pearl”. The rest of us learned the garter and stockingette patterns as well as how to do ribbing. We also learned how to bind off.

I felt so confident at the end of the class that I bought two skeins of charcoal gray alpaca wool - so soft – to knit a scarf for H. for Christmas. I have already knit half of the scarf so he may be getting it as an early gift. Maybe I'll post a picture of it if it turns out the way I hope.

I’m already trying to decide which class I want to take next.

Anyway, not a whole lot of TTC stuff happening, H. and I tried more this month than we ever have in all of our time of trying. We got a High rating from FF for the numbers of times we DTD around O time. We both realized that while our chances of getting pg naturally are low, we have never really gone all out. We used the Sperm Meets Egg Plan this month. It seems so weird to even be talking about changing approaches at this late stage in the game, but that’s what we’re doing. H. and I were outside raking on Saturday afternoon (we got 20 bags of leaves raked up in 2 hours) and started talking about our next steps. We both want to wait until January to try the next medicated IUI. It’s nice to be on the same page about this. We’ll try a couple more times like we did this month and save some money. Now that H. is finally working again we are able to put money aside for this.

I guess that’s it. I haven’t been posting very much because life while not boring has been pretty uneventful lately.

Message Board Drama

I post on a message board that has many different topics not just infertility and am constantly amazed at the lack of decorum that is displayed there. I am lucky that in my usual section there is relatively little drama. But get outside of that little group and there are trolls waiting. Trolls are those people who have secret user ids to post horrible, divisive, derogatory comments that they would not normally post under their ‘known’ name. Occasionally, they are also posters who seem to be happy to insult and belittle other posters for seemingly no reason. The other people who are waiting are the “right fighters” (thank-you Dr. Phil). These are people who are waiting to pounce on the troll in the name of standing up for what’s right. They can usually be as insulting and cutting, but it’s OK because they are on the “right” side of the issue. They simply can’t just walk away. Then there are the peace keepers, these are the posters that try to show both sides the error of their ways. It’s done with good intention, but really just tends to drag out the drama rather than helping to resolve it.

When I see a post that appears to be purposefully stirring the pot, I keep moving or I will keep an eye on it, but not post. These posts can be entertaining to read as they spiral out of control.

The drama that has happened recently on my message board has really gotten out of hand. People stalk each others posts to use them as ammunition. It creeps into other topics where it doesn’t belong. In fact, someone came into the Infertility area and posted some very hurtful stuff. It’s at the point where the people I post with are talking about starting a private Face_book group. So that we can talk freely (I read this to mean so that they can bitch about all the people they don’t like in addition to talk about issues that most other posters don’t understand e.g., how it feels to find out a friend is pg on their first try when you’ve just had your 26th failed cycle.) My company blocks FB so I can’t participate – I don’t really have anyone to bash, but I can definitely relate to the IF stuff. I fear what’s going to happen is that the girls will all go post there and then I’ll be left alone on my old board.

I’m sad that it’s come to this. I’m sad to be left out of things. And, I just don’t get why people get so worked up about some stupid posts on a message board.

A Vent

I have a beef to pick with the message board world. I am getting tired of seeing people say “I can’t believe this is happening to you. You deserve to get pregnant.” As in, a particular person deserves to be pregnant more than other people. I really hate it when that is said for two reasons. The first being that for the most part, we are all deserving of the ability to get and stay pregnant. We are all deserving of having a child to raise, care for and love. Everyone has their own personal struggles that they need to overcome and no one is in the position of judging which person is more “deserving”. The second reason that I hate seeing this is because it doesn’t do anything to make it better. Let’s say I do think that I am more deserving that I deserve to get pregnant after 25 failed cycles more than a woman trying for the first time. When I’m proven not pregnant yet again, how can being told I’m more deserving help with the situation? It seems to me that if I truly believe that I ‘deserve’ to be pregnant, then not being pregnant will be even more difficult. So ladies, I thank-you for your thoughts and know your hearts are in the right place, but a simple “I’m sorry” will suffice.

Ahhh, I feel a little better now.

Been a while - sorry

Wow - it's been a while since I last posted. Not a lot to talk about lately. Still not pregnant, got my period on Monday. Should have been starting another IUI cycle but I got a bitch of a cold. I just didn't want to deal with sitting there sniffling in a doctor's office waiting to be called in for CD3 blood work. I am not ready to deal with all of the needles again. I know I've got a bit of a time crunch facing me, but I just couldn't make myself do it this month. H. is fine with it.

BTW, Stephen Harper got voted back in with a minority government. What a complete waste of tax payers money. It was clear that he wasn't going to get a majority - just a complete waste of time and energy. The only thing it did accomplish was showing the Liberals that they need to vote in a new leader if they want to beat the Conservatives.

Back to what I was saying earlier... this bitch of a cold is crazy. I've had it since the sore throat showed up on Saturday and I'm still off work. I ended up using a couple vacation days because I've had so many sick days this year. Which reminds me, I really need a job change. I am completely uninterested. That's a post for another day.

Political dishing

Not much new, but I don't want to get out of the habit of posting. Hmm, let's see what's interesting right now. Oh, there is the Canadian election. That's right while those of you in the States are preparing to elect a new President, we, in Canada, are getting set to elect a new Prime Minister. Our election takes place on October 14th. Our current PM, is Stephen Harper - le douchebag. He is a mini dictator - none of his staff or party members are allowed to speak to the press unless he has given them specific permission to do so. Then they are not allowed to give their own opinions, they must spew the party line. He is a member of the Conservatives (similar to Republican and he studies at Dubya's knee). I can't stand him. The problem is that the Liberals (similar to the Democrats) have their own douchebag as a leader - Stephane Dion. He's got about as much personality as a wet-noodle. And, I'm not sure what experience he had that qualifies him to be the leader of his party, let alone the leader of our country. On top of his we have 3 other parties in Canada - the NDPs, the Green Party and the Bloc Quebecois (these guys are separtists that want the province of Quebec to be a country). We end up having minority governments because the vote gets split between so many parties. So, the majority vote against one party, but because the votes are divided between the other 4 parties the government most people don't want in - gets in. In a minority government, it makes it difficult for the ruling government to make any real change because there are so many of the opposition included in votes. Have I lost you yet?

So I am asking all Canadians - vote either for the Conservatives or the Liberals (ahem the latter would be my preference). Voting for any other party will only dilute the election and we'll end up with another minority government. Nobody wants that.

Oh, and i have to voice one of my biggst pet peeves right now... Iraq is pronounced more like ear rack, it is not pronounced eye-rack.), same goes for Iran - closer to ear-an than eye ran.

Anyway, those are my 2 cents for what's that worth!

He Got a Job!

Wow – I’ve been pretty lax about writing lately. Sorry about that. I guess it’s because not a lot has been going on from a fertility standpoint. I’m having a weird cycle this month not sure if I’ll ovulate, but the faster this cycle's over the faster we can move on to IUI#2.

There are a couple of anniversaries happening this month for me – October 12th is my 2nd wedding anniversary. H and I have been together for 8 years, married for 2. As the fates would have it, my cycle lined up perfectly when we were married to allow us to really try to get pregnant for the first time on our wedding night. You know the results of that, so we are also about to celebrate 2 years of trying. Where has the time gone? I’m currently on my 26th cycle – thank-you short cycles. We did take a couple of months off here and there, but really it’s been 2 years. Sigh.

On the plus side, H. has 2 job offers and signed the contract for one of them today. He’s starting the new job on Monday. Yay! All I can say is – finally!!!! It’s a 2 year contract, with the money being paid to his company and then he pays himself a salary. No benefits, no paid vacation, but it pays a lot (a lot) more than his last job. So, he can afford to set money aside and plan for vacations or have a safety net in the event that he’s laid off again. I am so incredibly happy for him (us). It’s been really difficult for him over the last 6 months, it’s nice to see that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel for him.

There is one other big thing that we’re considering right now – a complete life change for me. I have been interested in nutrition and how the body works with food for a while. I have educated myself quite a bit about it and find it very interesting. Well, H. and I were talking and he brought up the suggestion of being a Holistic Nutritionist. It is something that interests me very much and it scares me more than a little bit. You have to understand that I have worked in the financial world since 1993 (holy crap - 15 years!!!!). I kind of fell into it because my Aunt was VP of human resources at a company and I needed a job. Then I was really good at it. I do corporate training now, which is interesting, but... I would love to do something different, something where I’m my own boss. This would allow me to take my interests and make my own hours. It would take me about a year and a half to get the diploma. Then I would probably work at it part time until I had a set clientelle. I am cautiously excited about it. The course is a lot of money, but H. is going to help me pay for it. I just have to say that he’s amazing – so supportive and wants great things for me. Not sure how I got so lucky.

Anyway, back to the fertility stuff. I'm on CD12 waiting to see if I ovulate and then wait for AF to show up. I'm anxious to talk to my RE about the last cycle. I seemed to respond well to everything, and I know we only had a 25% chance of getting pg, but I'd like to know if there's anything we should be doing differently this time around.

For the Record

This is what Rockets look like:

Those little devils look harmless enough, but I'm telling you they're pure sugary evil.

BTW - Smarties in Canada are candy-covered chocolate.

I'm a Slackass

I’m a slackass and I know it clap my hands.
I’m a slackass and I know it clap my hands.
I’m a slackass and I know it and my body really shows it.
I’m a slackass and I know it clap my hands.

So, I kind of fell off of the healthy train. Damn you Rockets, every year at this time your sugary colourful tablets swoop in just in time for Halloween and I succumb to your powdery goodness. Yesterday I was at a drugstore buying an 8 pack of AA batteries, the batteries were strategically placed in the candy aisle. I made sure not to walk down any further than the batteries because I could see the Halloween candy display taunting me from afar. I used my super skills of avoidance, turned a blind eye and snatched up those double AAs. Turned around and lo and behold, my nemesis Rockets were piled nicely at eye level. I tried to walk away, but I just couldn’t do it. I left the store with the batteries and the smallest bag of Rockets that they had. Damn it.

When I got back to my desk, I ripped open the bag and took out 5 little packets – 150 calories of pure sugar. I did that twice more – for a total of 450 empty, sugar soaked calories. The sugar high was soooo good, I love the way the white ones dissolve on my tongue. Mmmm.

Then I crashed – hard. I was supposed to go running last night. But, by the time I got home I didn’t have the energy to do anything. So, I didn’t. I didn’t even try to push through. I’m so disappointed in myself for falling so hard and so fast.

I’ve been getting all of these great comments (thank-you ICLW!) encouraging me to keep it up. Thank-you for all of your support,. I’m climbing back up on the healthy train and am going to white knuckle it until it feels right.

On top of all that, I forgot to take my temperature this morning. Blah.

Healthy Living

So far my healthy living plan is going OK. I haven't made huge changes with my eating, but I have brought exercise back into my routine. I am starting the learn to run program over again. In week 1 you start out running a minute and walking two minutes and repeat that 6 times. Each week you add in more running time. I have already done the program once, but I stopped running for a while and thought it would be good to start over again. This time when I run, I am actually running hard. The first time I did the program when I ran it was simply to get through the allotted running time. I was doing this old man-ish type of shuffle. This time around I am actually trying to run at a good pace and take actual strides. It makes me work really hard. I went for a run last night and was huffing and puffing so loudly at times that people on the street were staring at me. Hmm, maybe they thought I was going to pass out.

In addition to the running I am doing a small strength training routine. From a healthy eating perspective, I'm trying to be conscious of what I eat (tracking it in sparkpeople.com) and drinking 8 glasses of water per day.

I'm trying to remind myself that I didn't put all of this weight on in one day and it sure as hell isn't going to come off in a day either.

My Pants are Huge!

Nobody told me not to go shopping for clothes while cycling. Or maybe nobody realized that taking progesterone for 14 days would make me bloat up a whole pants size. Yikes. I was feeling crappy about my fall wardrobe (can you believe the summer is over?!), thinking back on it now some of that may have been hormonal. I decided that I would go across the street to my favourite plus-size store - handy don't you think that it's kiddy corner from my office?

Anyway, I tried on what felt like thousands of outfits and suits. Getting completely disgusted with myself for going up yet another pants size. I found a beautiful black suit that actually seemed not to make me look like a giant marshmallow and bought a cherry red sleeveless turtleneck to go under it. I also bought a blouse to go under it. When all was said and done, I was pretty happy with my purchases.

I stopped taking the progesterone on Friday and wore the pants that go with the suit to work for the first time yesterday. They were too big, particularly in the waist. Not so big that they were falling down, but there's probably about a 2 to 3 inch gap when I pull the waistband out. Progesterone should come with a warning to shop at your own hazard. Those pants weren't cheap and now what do I do?

IUI #1 Wrap Up

Well, as you know, our first ever IUI with injectibles cycle failed. I was 99.9% that the procedure was not going to work when the actual procedure was being done. I didn’t have a whole lot of egg white cm and I had checked my cervical position prior to the appointment and it was still high and firm. This was confirmed when Dr. B had a little trouble getting the speculum in and asked me when exactly it was that I took my shot of Ovi.drel – the trigger. It just seemed poorly timed – then he told us to DTD for the next 3 days. If DTD was actually going to get us pg, we wouldn’t have needed the stupid IUI in the first place.

So, H. and I left the office – H with an optimistic outlook. He said on more than one occasion that he knew it was going to work. And there I was, cautiously optimistic, but knowing that it just didn’t feel right. I let myself get caught up a little bit in the whole two week wait thing. You know that age old debate of is it a PMS or a PG symptom. Deep down I knew I wasn’t pg, the IUI hadn’t worked. I think that made it easier not to pee on anything because I didn’t want my suspicions confirmed.

There were a few things that did work out for me. My FSH and E2 were exactly where they were supposed to be! My body reacted to the meds in the desired way (except for the trigger) I produced 2 or 3 eggs. The progesterone worked – my temps were nice and consistently high and I had a 14 day LP. I successfully gave myself all of the shots – conquering a huge fear. All great things. So as a test run, it went very well and now I know what to expect for the next time.

Speaking of next times, it won’t be this cycle. With H still out of a job, we can’t afford to do another cycle this month. We’re hoping that by next cycle he’ll be working again and we can jump back on the baby making train. Until then, I will be concentrating on living a healthier lifestyle. I’ve started running again and I’m going to be more conscious of what I’m putting in my mouth. I’d really like to lose 10 lbs in the next month (2.5 lbs per week at my considerable size seems pretty doable). So that’s the plan.

Beta Today

So, today is my beta. I went to the clinic this morning to have my blood drawn. While I was sitting there a woman came blowing through the lobby like a tornado. I could feel the excitement radiating from her. She was talking to one of the nurses about how at her last IVF the IV didn’t even leave a mark and how she’d peed on two sticks and they were both positive and now she was at the clinic to get her blood taken to confirm the pregnancy. And then she said yes I am pregnant – God Willing.

I was struck by a bunch of emotions. First, I do not think that I’m pregnant – I want to be, I hope I am, but… When this woman came in, I took it as a sign – she’s the one that succeeded this time. Not my turn. She took my turn. Totally irrational. I actually scowled on the inside. Of course, I am logically happy for her. She went through IVF, not for the first time from the sounds of it and it stuck. She is pg. She is incredibly lucky.

A little while later I was called in by the nice nurse to have my blood drawn. No big deal. She took the blood from my hand since the veins in my arms are so difficult to deal with. When I left she said Good Luck. I thanked her and was on my way.

So now I wait. I go back and forth between thinking of course I'm pregnant to of course I'm not pregnant. On Wednesday afternoon I went to the bathroom and there was one tiny little speck of light pink blood. Of course after that I was religiously and obsessively going to the bathroom and checking my underwear then checking the tp. There hasn't been another drop since then. I don't spot - usually when AF arrives she just jumps in full force, so I am marking it down to the progesterone suppositories. They really do what they're supposed to do.

As an aside, my Father had his follow up appointment with the heart specialist and he is in great shape. He’s doing so well that he can even play hockey this winter if he wants to. That blast of wind you just felt was my sigh of relief!

UPDATE: BFN.

Weird Searches

I just checked my goo.gle ana.lytics to peek at my stats and to look at the search phrases used to find me.

Having the word "oven" in the title of my blog has led to a few people finding my blog with some strange searches:

1. Babies having to go in the oven. Huh? I'm hoping this wasn't from someone who was looking to cook their children. I know it's morbid and not funny - but wow!

2. How to tell if my oven is celsius. Well, they'll find a lot about the temperature of my oven, but not quite in the way they were hoping I'm sure.

3. Superstitions on ovens. Who knew there were superstitions for ovens?

4. Killing yourself with an oven. My heart goes out to this person. I truly hope that he/she was searching for this as research for a book or article or something and not for information on how to harm themself.

Ramblings

For the last two days my temp has been 36.6 down from 36.8. I have this horrible feeling that this IUI was a bust. My body feels like it's getting ready for a visit from AF and there's nothing I can do to stop it. Of course I still have hope... hope that my temperatures will re-bound, hope that miracle of miracles this actually worked. I have been scared since the IUI, not sure if I really conveyed that here; I was scared because I definitely didn't think the IUI was well-timed. My cervix was still pretty high, the trigger shot didn't seem to work for me - at least not in the time frame they allowed. Then Dr. B told us to go and DTD for the next 3 days. I was scared and guilty because we only did it once - and I was scared because I thought he was crazy - DTD doesn't get us pg. I was also scared/overwhelmed by the 14 days to Beta. My body doesn't do a 14 day LP, 13 at the very most, but usually 12 days. So, I was/am scared that I won't actually make it to beta. I feel like I can't even do that right. On top of it all, I'm scared that by writing this post about my fears and my feeling that this cycle is a bust that I am tempting fate. you know - what you put out is what you get back. So, I could be ruining this with my negativity.

I have never felt crazier than I do now after having read that last bit. I know that wishing and hoping and praying and begging and sticking a smile on my face for everyone and making all my thoughts shiny and happy hasn't worked. None of those things have gotten me pg, but by allowing myself to acknowledge my fears - that's what's going to sabotage a cycle. See - crazy.

This reminds me of my conversation with Dr. W at my last acupuncture appointment. She said it's so weird how I'm like a different person from appointment to appointment. I go from being strong and happy and positive to being down and negative. There's no consistency. She said that most of the IFers that she sees go from neutral to negative and don't waver very much. I do see the consistency. I'm up and positive when I'm starting a fresh cycle - when there are no indications that the cycle could fail, when I allow hope to shine free. Then when I'm down it's because I'm feeling the way I do now - I know my body and the cues it sends me. And it hurts that it doesn't do what it's supposed to do. To me it's all nauseatingly consistent.

On a completely different note, I'm on the progesterone suppositories - 1 every night. After reading a lot of the blogs out there it seems that most women do one in the morning and one at night. Will one each night actually do anything?

The passing of a good woman.

I found out today that a good friend and co-worker died early this morning. She had put up a courageous battle against breast cancer. She underwent a double mastectomy, radiation and chemo treatments only to find that the bastard of a disease had found its way to her liver.

She grabbed life by the balls, had a braying, booming laugh and a tender heart.

I will miss her wisdom, and her straight shooting ways.

One week down

I have made it through one week of the two week wait relatively unscathed. Hmm, that makes it sound like things have been difficult. Really, I do think about it every hour or so, but I’m not tempted to pee on anything, so that should tell you how I feel. I don’t know how I feel about this cycle; I guess the best description is neutral. I neither feel like it’s been a success nor a failure. I’m really just waiting to see what happens next.

I have been on the progesterone suppositories for a week now and I don’t really have any “symptoms” to speak of. I am crabby and hyper-sensitive – H. is just loving me right now. I have been having trouble sleeping through the night – waking around 4am every night. I even fell asleep on the acupuncture table yesterday – only to wake myself up by my loud snores. Slightly embarrassing, hopefully nobody heard. Last night I was so tired I went to bed at 8:30 (well, I went upstairs got in bed and watched tv) I was asleep by around 10pm. Had extremely vivid and weird dreams last night all about being at the seashore (not sure which sea since I live in Ontario and the closes “shore” is Lake Ontario) staying in a scary hotel where I felt scared for my life.

On another note, H. is still out of work, but has had about 6 interviews this week. Hopefully, one of them pan out – and it’s one that he actually wants to get. He’s been having fits of depression the last few weeks. I don’t blame him really; I’d be completely stressed if I were in his shoes. I’m so proud of him for muddling through, keeping his chin up and pressing forward. I know he is incredibly smart and incredibly good at what he does. I know that he is going to get a fabulous job. It just hasn’t happened yet.

Please keep him in your thoughts!

Interesting Article

In Ontario IVF is not covered unless a woman has bilaterally blocked tubes. This article offers an argument for our government paying for IVF. It offers the idea of covering single embryo transfer IVFs because it is a much cheaper alternative to the use of fertility drugs without IVF and the high instance of multiples. The argument being that with multiples, they are usually high-risk pregnancies requiring more care, predominantly premature births require more assistance and longer hospital stays. This all adds up from a cost perspective - which is covered by the government. So, it's a cheaper alternative to cover the cost of IVF.

Oh, and recently, our government decided to cover sex change operations. Yet, fertility is still not deemed a necessary issue. I talked about that here.

I think all fertility treatments and drugs should be covered. What are your thought?

To DTD or Not

The parting instructions we were given on Friday after the IUI was to have sex for the following 3 days. So, what, magically we’ll get pregnant naturally after 24 cycles of no bfp’s? We dtd the following day, but we didn’t do it yesterday. On FF, my chart shows that I o’d on Friday, if only with hash marked lines, if it wasn’t Friday it certainly was on Saturday. Since the egg has a 24 hour shelf life, I’m not sure what dtd would add at this point. H. is stressed about not working, he’s worried and tired. The act of dtd right now is just added stress. It makes it so mechanical. So, should we dtd today? My inclination is not to, but I don’t want to have paid all that money for this not to work. Then I think hell I paid the money for the IUI, if we could get pg by having sex that would have happened already. Does anyone see the irony here?

So, I feel guilty for not following the dr.’s orders to do something we know doesn’t work for us. Blah.

I’ve been doing the progesterone suppositories. Thank gawd it’s only at night. I couldn’t imagine having to do that more than once a day. I don’t think I’ve experienced any side effects, maybe as I get further into this 2ww I’ll have them. I read a great post on a blog (now I don’t remember who’s it was – sorry) about there not really being any pg symptoms during the 2ww. That they’re all progesterone induced whether you’re on suppositories or going it au naturel. That makes it easier for me to get through this 2WW, because I won’t be thinking “there was a twinge in the area of my uterus, my boobs are sore and my sense of smell is stronger – I wonder if this month I’m actually pg” I can chalk everything up to the progesterone and just wait and see what happens.

IUI is Done

At 7am, H. and I were in the clinic and by 7:40 he had given his sample. We then headed down Bloor Street to a local breakfast joint to enjoy a leisurely breakfast. I didn't have to be back to the clinic until 10am. We took our time over breakfast talking about what was about to happend and plans for our future (we're thinking of refinancing our house). That brought us to 8:45 or so. We then headed down Bloor and up to Yorkville - a swanky little part of T.O. with lots of high end shops and restaurants. We noticed that the TIF.F had started and a film was going to be shown around 9am. TIF.F is the Toront.o Inte.rnation F.ilm Festiv.al, Bra.d Pi.tt among others will be in town to show their films and rub elbows at a lot fo galas etc. It's kind of neat to witness the excitement around the festival. H and his Dad are planning on going to one of the films, and H & I may go see either Passche.ndaele (a Canadian film by Pa.ul Gross) or Bur.n After R.eading.

Anyway, back to the matter at hand, so to speak, after walking around and killing time at Ind.igo. We headed back to the clinic for 10am. There was one other clinic ahead of us having an IUI done. At 10:55am, I was officially inseminated. H. gave his sample at 7am, it resulted in 16 million healthy little swimmers. Dr. Handsome said that anything over 1 million is what they're looking for which is great. The only issue I have is that I don't think the timing was very good - my temp hasn't dropped and there isn't very much eggwhite CM, but I'm not the expert, right? We're supposed to do the deed (dtd) for the next 3 days to maximize our chances. And, joy of all joys, I start progesterone suppositories tonight. Beta is two weeks today.

H. was in the room with me when I had the IUI. I wanted him there because if we do really get a live baby out of this, I wanted him to feel like he was really a part of this. You know - that we were at least in the room together. It was funny, I asked Dr. Handsome if there was anything special that I was supposed to avoid or do. And he said that "nope, it's just like when you have sex". I couldn't help myself and replied "well, this isn't exactly like sex" he blushed. Teehee.

The part that was the best is that I had been worried about my FSH and E2 numbers - they were 7.2 and 115 respectively. Someone had mentioned that my FSH could be low because my E2 was too high and was therefore suppressing the FSH. That anything under 100 is what they're looking for. Well, H. brought this up with the dr. and it turns out that the unit of measurement that they use in Canada is different than in the US. In Canada, anything under 200 is considered good. So, I just plain had good numbers. Yay!

Looking Good

I had another appointment for blood work and an ultrasound today. The nurse took me for the blood work and took one look at my arm and sighed. It's pretty bruised up. She ended up taking blood from my hand. It didn't hurt so that was good. Then it was time for the ultrasound. Today my lining was 0.8, and I had three follies - 1.3 and 1.8 on the left, 2.0 on the right. Not sure why one of the follies on the left got smaller, but I'm happy that I have two.

So, now I'm just waiting for the call about my blood work. They are going to tell me if I have had an LH surge already. If I have then I will have to take the Ovid.rel as soon as I get off the phone and we will do back to back IUI's tomorrow and Friday. If there's no LH surge, then I'll trigger tonight and the IUI will be on Friday morning.

I am nervous. We have about a 25% chance of actually getting pregnant from the IUI. So, I'm trying not to hold out too much hope, but hope is there. Our goal is to have a healthy pregnancy that results in a healthy live baby. I will do whatever it takes to get us there.

And then there were 3

Had another ultrasound and blood work today. The experience was completely different than Saturday's appointment. Everyone was nice and welcoming. The nurse who did my blood work was awesome and appalled at the treatment I had received on Saturday. Then the ultrasound was with my RE, not just the RE on duty. He has such a good bedside manner, he put me at ease immediately. And, it looks like the pure.gon is working. I had 1 follie on my right ovary (1.5) and two on my left (1.5 and 1.6). I am to give myself one more injection tonight and go back tomorrow for a final blood work/ultrasound. Tomorrow night should be trigger and Friday should be the IUI.

I am definitely feeling a little better. It's nice to know that my ovaries responded to the medication the way they are supposed to.

I don't know how this IUI will go, what the outcome will be, but I am hopeful that if it doesn't work this time that it will be successful in the future.

I read another IFer's post yesterday about how she went back over her posts and how they sounded bipolar. I can completely relate... one minute I'm up, the next I'm down. This whole fertility thing is really a big roller coaster of emotions.